Your value system is predicated on the nonconsensual impregnating of a teenage girl.

“She had a choice, read the Bible!”

After Gabriel told an unsuspecting Mary she is pregnant, she could have chosen to not give birth?

“Yes!”

So the Bible DOES support a woman’s right to an abortion. Cool!

January 6 was nothing more than peaceful protests in the same way the Romans put Jesus in a time out after a little talking to.

I know I have always publically spoken out about vegetables, but I’m happy to announce that I have agreed to restart communications with kale. #noble

After great consideration and much deliberation it is with a heavy heart that I must announce that I have decided to put on pants today. #LifesDilemmas

Super pumped for the release of #echomachine2025 #davidpakman I only need 11000 copies, give me a break!

Forgot the key code into my building. Thank goodness they keep that spare cinder block under the doormat. #ThinkAhead

I think it’s really great that knee replacements now come complete with Siri. His joints really can tell when it’s about to rain! #modernman

Sign by my treadmill reads "don't text on equipment." Who would be dumb enough to...*clunk skirrrch* oh, I see. #fitnessguru

Today I joined X just so that I could deactivate an account. #worthit

Today I learned that I’m not particularly very good at juggling. On an unrelated note, eggs make a great floor polish! #lifehack

 Just a guy with two thumbs. #HumbleBrag

I have concepts of a fitness plan. Before and after pics pending indefinitely. #fitnessguru

Every year for work I must resubmit for a background screening. Every year I sit anxiously in my home office just waiting for black ops to come repelling through the windows. And every year I’m left disappointed that my scheme to make new friends has failed once again.

It’s events like this recent election that make you wonder if Chris McCandless wasn’t really on to something. #reminiscing #hammockcamping