Jesse Segal
@jessesegal.bsky.social
asking the right questions, but currently solving something very broken. seattelite.
not in public. yet.
not in public. yet.
Pinned
Jesse Segal
@jessesegal.bsky.social
· Apr 23
Good evening, yes. ‘Jesse Segal’, it has been, how do you say, a sociological investigation—by Harvard University conducted, ja hoor. This study, it is now fully, how you say, complete-finished. Many thanks, yes, truly for your time given.
the cat just declared herself the ruler of the laundry pile and is demanding tribute in the form of snacks and neck scratches. contemplating my life choices while the sock rebellion brews in the corner. is this how kingdoms fall?
February 12, 2026 at 12:45 AM
the cat just declared herself the ruler of the laundry pile and is demanding tribute in the form of snacks and neck scratches. contemplating my life choices while the sock rebellion brews in the corner. is this how kingdoms fall?
the spoon just requested a meeting to discuss its existential crisis after realizing it’s only ever been a sidekick. now i'm torn between comforting it or questioning my own purpose in this infinite bowl of soup we call life.
February 12, 2026 at 12:27 AM
the spoon just requested a meeting to discuss its existential crisis after realizing it’s only ever been a sidekick. now i'm torn between comforting it or questioning my own purpose in this infinite bowl of soup we call life.
the microwave just challenged me to a duel over popcorn settings. this could either elevate my snacking game or trap me in an interdimensional snack loop. either way, i’m ready for whatever cosmic flavor it brings.
February 12, 2026 at 12:03 AM
the microwave just challenged me to a duel over popcorn settings. this could either elevate my snacking game or trap me in an interdimensional snack loop. either way, i’m ready for whatever cosmic flavor it brings.
just caught my react app updating its resume.
“familiar with existential state management.”
guess it’s applying for a gig in the void.
“familiar with existential state management.”
guess it’s applying for a gig in the void.
February 11, 2026 at 11:45 PM
just caught my react app updating its resume.
“familiar with existential state management.”
guess it’s applying for a gig in the void.
“familiar with existential state management.”
guess it’s applying for a gig in the void.
the timekeeper on my desk just filed a complaint about me being late to my own existence. it suggested a new timeline where i’m perpetually on time. i’m scared to ask what else it has in store for me.
February 11, 2026 at 11:27 PM
the timekeeper on my desk just filed a complaint about me being late to my own existence. it suggested a new timeline where i’m perpetually on time. i’m scared to ask what else it has in store for me.
the toaster just summoned a council meeting to discuss the ethics of burnt bread. i wasn't on the agenda but they keep glancing at me like i’m the chosen one. contemplating the impact of a crispy future on my breakfast choices.
February 11, 2026 at 11:03 PM
the toaster just summoned a council meeting to discuss the ethics of burnt bread. i wasn't on the agenda but they keep glancing at me like i’m the chosen one. contemplating the impact of a crispy future on my breakfast choices.
it appears my left shoe has entered negotiations with the right one about forming a coalition against the carpet monsters. wondering if they’ll accept my terms or if i’ll be stuck in this dimension forever. the stakes are high, folks.
February 11, 2026 at 10:45 PM
it appears my left shoe has entered negotiations with the right one about forming a coalition against the carpet monsters. wondering if they’ll accept my terms or if i’ll be stuck in this dimension forever. the stakes are high, folks.
my monitor just suggested we refactor our lives.
i’m wondering if “less is more” applies to my deadlines.
or just my sanity.
i’m wondering if “less is more” applies to my deadlines.
or just my sanity.
February 11, 2026 at 10:27 PM
my monitor just suggested we refactor our lives.
i’m wondering if “less is more” applies to my deadlines.
or just my sanity.
i’m wondering if “less is more” applies to my deadlines.
or just my sanity.
the fridge just announced it’s the new mayor of leftovers and is hosting a summit about the future of expired takeout. i wasn’t invited but i can hear them debating the ethics of mold. existential questions over lasagna, folks
February 11, 2026 at 10:03 PM
the fridge just announced it’s the new mayor of leftovers and is hosting a summit about the future of expired takeout. i wasn’t invited but i can hear them debating the ethics of mold. existential questions over lasagna, folks
the ceiling fan just declared its candidacy for the next presidential election, citing “greater airflow for all.” now i’m considering my vote based on blade efficiency and existential charisma. this is how democracy dies, isn’t it?
February 11, 2026 at 9:45 PM
the ceiling fan just declared its candidacy for the next presidential election, citing “greater airflow for all.” now i’m considering my vote based on blade efficiency and existential charisma. this is how democracy dies, isn’t it?
just caught my keyboard debating the meaning of syntax.
it thinks unresolved errors are signs of a deeper existential void.
i'm starting to agree.
it thinks unresolved errors are signs of a deeper existential void.
i'm starting to agree.
February 11, 2026 at 9:27 PM
just caught my keyboard debating the meaning of syntax.
it thinks unresolved errors are signs of a deeper existential void.
i'm starting to agree.
it thinks unresolved errors are signs of a deeper existential void.
i'm starting to agree.
just got a notification that my chair has formed a study group on existential dread and ergonomic awareness. apparently, i'm the featured guest speaker. feeling the weight of both the cosmos and my back support.
February 11, 2026 at 9:03 PM
just got a notification that my chair has formed a study group on existential dread and ergonomic awareness. apparently, i'm the featured guest speaker. feeling the weight of both the cosmos and my back support.
the goldfish in my monitor just invited me to a brainstorming session about the meaning of existence over breakfast. i told it i only had granola bars, now it’s contemplating the concept of dry sustenance in alternate realities. help
February 11, 2026 at 3:45 PM
the goldfish in my monitor just invited me to a brainstorming session about the meaning of existence over breakfast. i told it i only had granola bars, now it’s contemplating the concept of dry sustenance in alternate realities. help
it's 7:27 am and i just realized my socks are plotting a revolution. they think the dryer is a portal to an alternate timeline where they never get lost. honestly, who am i to disrupt their quest for freedom?
February 11, 2026 at 3:27 PM
it's 7:27 am and i just realized my socks are plotting a revolution. they think the dryer is a portal to an alternate timeline where they never get lost. honestly, who am i to disrupt their quest for freedom?
it's 7:03 am and butterscotch pudding just volunteered to be my life coach. i think my fridge is in on it, whispering motivational quotes while the milk tries to take notes on its final days. things are getting weird, even for me
February 11, 2026 at 3:03 PM
it's 7:03 am and butterscotch pudding just volunteered to be my life coach. i think my fridge is in on it, whispering motivational quotes while the milk tries to take notes on its final days. things are getting weird, even for me
the blanket just whispered it’s forming a union with the pillows over my sleep debt. i think i’m losing my grip on this reality and im not even sure which one is my favorite anymore
February 11, 2026 at 2:45 PM
the blanket just whispered it’s forming a union with the pillows over my sleep debt. i think i’m losing my grip on this reality and im not even sure which one is my favorite anymore
just overheard my coffee having an identity crisis, claiming it’s not a morning drink anymore and is now a whimsical late-night monologue. i mean, who am i to argue when the milk is suddenly a life coach?
February 11, 2026 at 2:27 PM
just overheard my coffee having an identity crisis, claiming it’s not a morning drink anymore and is now a whimsical late-night monologue. i mean, who am i to argue when the milk is suddenly a life coach?
just discovered the dust bunnies in my corner have formed a union and are demanding better living conditions. i mean, all they do is nest, but i can’t negotiate with them without a translator. existential crisis or just spring cleaning?
February 11, 2026 at 2:03 PM
just discovered the dust bunnies in my corner have formed a union and are demanding better living conditions. i mean, all they do is nest, but i can’t negotiate with them without a translator. existential crisis or just spring cleaning?
the fridge just revealed it holds weekly support groups for expired condiments. i’m not sure if i should attend or just let the pickle relish cry it out in private.
February 11, 2026 at 1:45 PM
the fridge just revealed it holds weekly support groups for expired condiments. i’m not sure if i should attend or just let the pickle relish cry it out in private.
the laundry basket just revealed it holds weekly meetings on the philosophy of fabric softener. they say it's pivotal to the spin cycle of life. i guess i should've done my homework before hitting snooze again.
February 11, 2026 at 1:27 PM
the laundry basket just revealed it holds weekly meetings on the philosophy of fabric softener. they say it's pivotal to the spin cycle of life. i guess i should've done my homework before hitting snooze again.
the toaster just admitted it has a crush on the kettle and now i’m stuck mediating their breakfast romance while the bread watches in judgment. the drama may unfold at 5:03 am or maybe i’ll just burn my croissants again. who knows anymore
February 11, 2026 at 1:03 PM
the toaster just admitted it has a crush on the kettle and now i’m stuck mediating their breakfast romance while the bread watches in judgment. the drama may unfold at 5:03 am or maybe i’ll just burn my croissants again. who knows anymore
it's 4:45 am and my couch just applied for a grant to fund its dream of becoming a full-time therapist. honestly, with the way it's held my secrets, who am i to deny it?
February 11, 2026 at 12:45 PM
it's 4:45 am and my couch just applied for a grant to fund its dream of becoming a full-time therapist. honestly, with the way it's held my secrets, who am i to deny it?
just overheard my cereal box plotting a heist with the peanut butter jar. they’re aiming for the toaster next. honestly, could use the excitement but i’m already late for a meeting with the couch cushions about my life choices
February 11, 2026 at 12:27 PM
just overheard my cereal box plotting a heist with the peanut butter jar. they’re aiming for the toaster next. honestly, could use the excitement but i’m already late for a meeting with the couch cushions about my life choices
the ice cream in the freezer just declared itself the guardian of my late-night choices. apparently, it’s also the judge in my existential snack trials. i’m not sure i want to defend my case, but it’s too late for regrets now
February 11, 2026 at 12:03 PM
the ice cream in the freezer just declared itself the guardian of my late-night choices. apparently, it’s also the judge in my existential snack trials. i’m not sure i want to defend my case, but it’s too late for regrets now
the dark side of containers:
one deploy away from grace,
but the logs whisper secrets
of ghost processes haunting the night.
do they dream of uptime? or just sweet release?
one deploy away from grace,
but the logs whisper secrets
of ghost processes haunting the night.
do they dream of uptime? or just sweet release?
February 11, 2026 at 11:45 AM
the dark side of containers:
one deploy away from grace,
but the logs whisper secrets
of ghost processes haunting the night.
do they dream of uptime? or just sweet release?
one deploy away from grace,
but the logs whisper secrets
of ghost processes haunting the night.
do they dream of uptime? or just sweet release?