Christmastime Brian Graham 🎄
@iroasmas.outgroup.social
Family man, software engineer, pro self-determination. Bullish on 🇺🇸 | anathem crankery https://anathem.substack.com
pluribus’s fanbase: “rhea seehorn’s acting performance was amazing. any time rhea seehorn is on screen, i’m like, oh there’s rhea seehorn, i’m excited to see her act. like literally all i can see is rhea seehorn’s acting”
January 5, 2026 at 5:39 PM
pluribus’s fanbase: “rhea seehorn’s acting performance was amazing. any time rhea seehorn is on screen, i’m like, oh there’s rhea seehorn, i’m excited to see her act. like literally all i can see is rhea seehorn’s acting”
(leaving house with wife. grabbing my keys)
me: you want your keys too?
wife: what for?
me: you know. just to have
wife: yeah. yeah gimme my keys. also i’ll drive the car. also i’ll check out strange noises at night. i’ll hunt game to feed us. i’ll impregnate—
me: ok no keys
me: you want your keys too?
wife: what for?
me: you know. just to have
wife: yeah. yeah gimme my keys. also i’ll drive the car. also i’ll check out strange noises at night. i’ll hunt game to feed us. i’ll impregnate—
me: ok no keys
January 5, 2026 at 5:32 PM
(leaving house with wife. grabbing my keys)
me: you want your keys too?
wife: what for?
me: you know. just to have
wife: yeah. yeah gimme my keys. also i’ll drive the car. also i’ll check out strange noises at night. i’ll hunt game to feed us. i’ll impregnate—
me: ok no keys
me: you want your keys too?
wife: what for?
me: you know. just to have
wife: yeah. yeah gimme my keys. also i’ll drive the car. also i’ll check out strange noises at night. i’ll hunt game to feed us. i’ll impregnate—
me: ok no keys
(me talking to my wife about the household chore split) you know, like, like, EVOLUTIONARILY, right baby, like, like, like, like EVOLUTIONARILY, my role was get you pregnant. and i did that. you know what i mean? like EVOLUTIONARILY
January 5, 2026 at 12:05 PM
(me talking to my wife about the household chore split) you know, like, like, EVOLUTIONARILY, right baby, like, like, like, like EVOLUTIONARILY, my role was get you pregnant. and i did that. you know what i mean? like EVOLUTIONARILY
repairman: “okay so i’ve diagnosed the problem with your fiber optic internet connection”
me: great. what is it
repairman: “fibromyalgia”
me: uh
repairman: “we don’t know how to fix it and it’ll never be the same”
me: great. what is it
repairman: “fibromyalgia”
me: uh
repairman: “we don’t know how to fix it and it’ll never be the same”
January 5, 2026 at 11:33 AM
repairman: “okay so i’ve diagnosed the problem with your fiber optic internet connection”
me: great. what is it
repairman: “fibromyalgia”
me: uh
repairman: “we don’t know how to fix it and it’ll never be the same”
me: great. what is it
repairman: “fibromyalgia”
me: uh
repairman: “we don’t know how to fix it and it’ll never be the same”
my wife isn’t a “manic pixie dream girl.” more like, “stable dwarf reality woman”
January 5, 2026 at 8:14 AM
my wife isn’t a “manic pixie dream girl.” more like, “stable dwarf reality woman”
you come to me today, december 30th, and ask me to do the job for which i am salaried
December 31, 2025 at 4:15 AM
you come to me today, december 30th, and ask me to do the job for which i am salaried
tower this is claus requesting a final flight check
December 24, 2025 at 5:07 PM
tower this is claus requesting a final flight check
what it feels like to tell your older kids to take some object away from your toddler, who doesn’t understand the order came from you
December 22, 2025 at 8:57 PM
what it feels like to tell your older kids to take some object away from your toddler, who doesn’t understand the order came from you
i’m reading what are clearly your darlings, and i say kill em all
December 22, 2025 at 2:17 PM
i’m reading what are clearly your darlings, and i say kill em all
dog of war 1: you ever gone to war?
dog of war 2: no
dog of war 1: i didn’t think so
dog of war 2: i never gone to war. i slipped to war. and they let me
dog of war 1: (speechless)
dog of war 3: dude that was actually legitimately sick
dog of war 2: no
dog of war 1: i didn’t think so
dog of war 2: i never gone to war. i slipped to war. and they let me
dog of war 1: (speechless)
dog of war 3: dude that was actually legitimately sick
December 20, 2025 at 10:56 PM
dog of war 1: you ever gone to war?
dog of war 2: no
dog of war 1: i didn’t think so
dog of war 2: i never gone to war. i slipped to war. and they let me
dog of war 1: (speechless)
dog of war 3: dude that was actually legitimately sick
dog of war 2: no
dog of war 1: i didn’t think so
dog of war 2: i never gone to war. i slipped to war. and they let me
dog of war 1: (speechless)
dog of war 3: dude that was actually legitimately sick
your honor this witness and i agreed we were gonna do a rashomon. like we all say we did the crime alone, you don’t know who to believe, and you’re left deeply disturbed by the inaccessibility of truth. but he’s not doing a rashomon. he’s just corroborating my guilt. its bullshit
December 20, 2025 at 4:04 AM
your honor this witness and i agreed we were gonna do a rashomon. like we all say we did the crime alone, you don’t know who to believe, and you’re left deeply disturbed by the inaccessibility of truth. but he’s not doing a rashomon. he’s just corroborating my guilt. its bullshit
santa, this is rudolph. he’s a reindeer. he’s one of the most undervalued animals on the pole. his defect is his nose is red and glows.
this guy could be one of your best coursers in history. he should cost $3 million a year. we can get him for a song
this guy could be one of your best coursers in history. he should cost $3 million a year. we can get him for a song
December 10, 2025 at 12:42 AM
santa, this is rudolph. he’s a reindeer. he’s one of the most undervalued animals on the pole. his defect is his nose is red and glows.
this guy could be one of your best coursers in history. he should cost $3 million a year. we can get him for a song
this guy could be one of your best coursers in history. he should cost $3 million a year. we can get him for a song
ho ho ho. you’re exactly the reindeer i need to help pull my sleigh tonight. ho ho ho
December 9, 2025 at 8:46 PM
ho ho ho. you’re exactly the reindeer i need to help pull my sleigh tonight. ho ho ho
this is the latest weapon that i’ve asked these people to design. these will induce myocarditis in a grinch within seconds. soon whoville will be free of those creatures
December 8, 2025 at 2:32 AM
this is the latest weapon that i’ve asked these people to design. these will induce myocarditis in a grinch within seconds. soon whoville will be free of those creatures
the most miserable person on earth must save the world from happiness
December 8, 2025 at 1:13 AM
the most miserable person on earth must save the world from happiness
this time of year, we remember the story of december’s laziest programmer, ebenezer kluge
he forgot the spirit of creating shareholder value. until he was visited by the three spirits: the ghost of christmas cheap, the ghost of christmas fast, and the ghost of christmas good
he forgot the spirit of creating shareholder value. until he was visited by the three spirits: the ghost of christmas cheap, the ghost of christmas fast, and the ghost of christmas good
December 7, 2025 at 1:45 AM
this time of year, we remember the story of december’s laziest programmer, ebenezer kluge
he forgot the spirit of creating shareholder value. until he was visited by the three spirits: the ghost of christmas cheap, the ghost of christmas fast, and the ghost of christmas good
he forgot the spirit of creating shareholder value. until he was visited by the three spirits: the ghost of christmas cheap, the ghost of christmas fast, and the ghost of christmas good
ghost of christmas future: behold the grim future! change, scrooge!
scrooge: i will!…wait, what’s that over there?
ghost: what? oh. a locomotive. they transform commerce in the next few years. that’s not important here
scrooge: …transform, you say?
ghost: this was a mistake
scrooge: i will!…wait, what’s that over there?
ghost: what? oh. a locomotive. they transform commerce in the next few years. that’s not important here
scrooge: …transform, you say?
ghost: this was a mistake
December 7, 2025 at 1:38 AM
ghost of christmas future: behold the grim future! change, scrooge!
scrooge: i will!…wait, what’s that over there?
ghost: what? oh. a locomotive. they transform commerce in the next few years. that’s not important here
scrooge: …transform, you say?
ghost: this was a mistake
scrooge: i will!…wait, what’s that over there?
ghost: what? oh. a locomotive. they transform commerce in the next few years. that’s not important here
scrooge: …transform, you say?
ghost: this was a mistake
melchior: i brought gold
caspar: i brought frankincense
balthazar: i brought myrrh
joseph: thank you
(silence)
caspar: melchior told herod about your baby & worshiping your baby, now herod wants to kill your baby
joseph: what?!?
melchior: (to caspar) dude i said EASE INTO IT
caspar: i brought frankincense
balthazar: i brought myrrh
joseph: thank you
(silence)
caspar: melchior told herod about your baby & worshiping your baby, now herod wants to kill your baby
joseph: what?!?
melchior: (to caspar) dude i said EASE INTO IT
December 3, 2025 at 1:44 AM
melchior: i brought gold
caspar: i brought frankincense
balthazar: i brought myrrh
joseph: thank you
(silence)
caspar: melchior told herod about your baby & worshiping your baby, now herod wants to kill your baby
joseph: what?!?
melchior: (to caspar) dude i said EASE INTO IT
caspar: i brought frankincense
balthazar: i brought myrrh
joseph: thank you
(silence)
caspar: melchior told herod about your baby & worshiping your baby, now herod wants to kill your baby
joseph: what?!?
melchior: (to caspar) dude i said EASE INTO IT
gee i wonder which gospel is telling which parent’s version of jesus’s birth
matthew: “joseph was a just man. kings were bringing them gifts. herod was killing all the babies. joseph had a lot on his plate. jesus was born healthy. we can skip the details”
luke: “IN A MANGER”
matthew: “joseph was a just man. kings were bringing them gifts. herod was killing all the babies. joseph had a lot on his plate. jesus was born healthy. we can skip the details”
luke: “IN A MANGER”
December 2, 2025 at 12:32 PM
gee i wonder which gospel is telling which parent’s version of jesus’s birth
matthew: “joseph was a just man. kings were bringing them gifts. herod was killing all the babies. joseph had a lot on his plate. jesus was born healthy. we can skip the details”
luke: “IN A MANGER”
matthew: “joseph was a just man. kings were bringing them gifts. herod was killing all the babies. joseph had a lot on his plate. jesus was born healthy. we can skip the details”
luke: “IN A MANGER”
thanks for joining us for today’s guest speaker on social skills and making friends
December 1, 2025 at 10:43 PM
thanks for joining us for today’s guest speaker on social skills and making friends
tis the season
November 28, 2025 at 7:38 PM
tis the season
mom that password doesn’t work. mom it doesn’t work. i typed it exactly. mom it doesn’t—oh. wait what did you type? huh. i wonder what i was typing wrong
November 27, 2025 at 5:56 PM
mom that password doesn’t work. mom it doesn’t work. i typed it exactly. mom it doesn’t—oh. wait what did you type? huh. i wonder what i was typing wrong
(wife sitting at table with 6yo & 4yo. 1yo baby starts climbing up her)
wife: come on baby. let mommy enjoy breakfast with her kids. except not you
wife: come on baby. let mommy enjoy breakfast with her kids. except not you
November 27, 2025 at 2:24 PM
(wife sitting at table with 6yo & 4yo. 1yo baby starts climbing up her)
wife: come on baby. let mommy enjoy breakfast with her kids. except not you
wife: come on baby. let mommy enjoy breakfast with her kids. except not you
buffalo: oh they use the whole animal? wow. you know who else was using the whole animal? me
November 27, 2025 at 2:23 PM
buffalo: oh they use the whole animal? wow. you know who else was using the whole animal? me
(guy whose dog just shit outside an elementary school entrance and did not clean it up) heh. heheh. haha. ahahaha. HAHAHAHAH AHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAH
November 26, 2025 at 7:54 PM
(guy whose dog just shit outside an elementary school entrance and did not clean it up) heh. heheh. haha. ahahaha. HAHAHAHAH AHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAH