My January 6th is hunting down the turkey that Biden pardoned. I must work against the justice system to feed my family

Pranking the service dog I see on my commute by just naturally smelling like a salami

Is this anything?

John Fetterman yassified

Neuralink actually taught these monkeys enough sign language to beg for their own death, which we think is a great sign of progress.

By this point next year we hope to have monkeys producing written statements asking to be released from this mortal coil!

What, so now it's illegal to be proud of your boy? Never should have cut that song from Aladdin

Do you think when Kim Il Sung died some of his homies were like "wait, he wasn't actually eternal" or did they realize he was just LARPing?

Everybody always talks about the First Amendment, but when's the last time you got to invoke your Third Amendment rights? Not once have I had a soldier try to move in with me. What a waste of a perfectly good amendment, time for a change?

People think paradoxes are the biggest danger of time travel but actually the real problem is that the amount of Online Discourse available in 2023 would prove fatal to anyone born before 1900.

I make a living from posting gifs and now you're rate limiting me? How will I feed my family?

What's the proper ratio of shaking my head to nodding when reading Crime and Punishment in public to let people know that I hate crime but love punishment?

*interviewing someone when Boss Baby is the only film they've ever seen*

me: Do you have any questions about the role?

them: Yes, how closely will I be working with the Boss Baby?

When you're walking to the bathroom in the dark and you stub your toe

Wait, when did Aunt Zelda get her own video game series?

In the 15-minute city liberals want to replace bluesky with bugs and socialism