if people really understood how the ruling class fears working class solidarity. the amount of time and resources they put into making sure we don't just join up. they would last a day if we did. one day and they'd buckle

3/ So here I am at almost 4am, laying in the dark, trying to fight off waves of panic and melancholy, overcome more by the cruel fragility and brevity of life than by the beauty in its impermanence. I'm sure I'll feel different when the sun rises, but for now, the night is so dark.

2/ First: I never thought I would live this long, but now that I am enjoying being alive, I am terrified to leave. Second: working in deathcare has given me unique and complex perspectives on the nature of life and mortality, but it has also made my death anxiety so much worse.

1/ I have always been a human who has been trapped in an uncomfortable space between Unhinged Anxiety About Death and Suicidal Ideation, and I'm sure one feeds the other. Having a taste of darkness can make you crave the light. And two things are desperately true for me now:

5/ Okkervil River, Don't Fall In Love With Everyone You See; @decemberists.bsky.social I'll Be Your Girl and the Crane Wife; and @melancholyhouse.bsky.social Hurricane Ditka, Self Titled. These albums are so deeply honest and draw the listener into an examination of life, death, and love in between.

4/That said, my favorite albums to listen to while I embalm, dress, and cosmetize include: @themountaingoats.bsky.social Heretic Pride and Tallahassee

3/There is so much beauty in life and the experience of being human, and music, to me, is among the most fundamentally encompassing expressions of existence as animated stardust alive for the blink of the universe's eye.

2/All loud noises are bad except music. Letting my body react to both the needs of the decedent and the flow of the music keeps me present and engulfed in the gravity of the task. Something in the hum of the embalming machine entangling with lyrics and melody marries life, death, and eternity.

1/As a neurodivergent music-loving human, the Ritual of picking music to listen to in the prep room is important. Finding music that helps me focus on the care of embalming, on the raw and deeply human experience of caring for the deceased intimately, is the last thing I do before putting gloves on.