I would celebrate Halloween if I could go door-to-door and neighbors would put those little airplane booze bottles in my pillowcase. And maybe there’s one house on the block that gives out full size bottles. Halloween for adults.

No better feeling than starting the @newyorker.com crossword.

I want to complain about the Disney+/Hulu/HBO Max bundle raising my rates after everyone else quit but I don’t want people to know I didn’t quit! #IstandwithJimmyKimmel but also #Ienjoycontent and, most importantly, #fuckdonaldtrump

We are really living in the time Maarva warned us about.

AI is just human laziness.

I stand still faster than my family walks.

Fun fact: The two worst presidents in US history (and, likely, future) were both born on this day in 1946! #fuckdonaldtrump

Shout out to Vince Vance & the Valiants who held the “All I Want for Christmas Is You” crown from 1989-1994 until Mariah Carey obliterated them from history.

If Lea & Perrins were so proud of their sauce, why didn’t they name it Bestershire?

“Soul Bossa Nova” by Quincy Jones is my favorite song to do at karaoke.

Whomsoever delivers my eulogy, I only ask that it conclude with, “He died the same as he lived: begrudgingly.”

When it comes to cuts of beef, I feel about Filet Mignon the same way Colonel Jessep feels about grave danger. #isthereanotherkind?