@garrettact.bsky.social
'Cause if you don't drape them they'll just be… hey, wait a sec…
January 3, 2026 at 8:28 PM
'Cause if you don't drape them they'll just be… hey, wait a sec…
Really enjoying these days where the paparazzi aren’t bugging me incessantly.
January 3, 2026 at 8:27 PM
Really enjoying these days where the paparazzi aren’t bugging me incessantly.
Here we are, in a room full of strangers.
Standing in the dark where your eyes couldn't see me.
Well, I had to follow you though you did not want me to,
but that won't stop my lovin' you; I can't stay away.
-- Barry Gibb, creepy disco-stalking voice of a generation
Standing in the dark where your eyes couldn't see me.
Well, I had to follow you though you did not want me to,
but that won't stop my lovin' you; I can't stay away.
-- Barry Gibb, creepy disco-stalking voice of a generation
January 3, 2026 at 8:25 PM
Here we are, in a room full of strangers.
Standing in the dark where your eyes couldn't see me.
Well, I had to follow you though you did not want me to,
but that won't stop my lovin' you; I can't stay away.
-- Barry Gibb, creepy disco-stalking voice of a generation
Standing in the dark where your eyes couldn't see me.
Well, I had to follow you though you did not want me to,
but that won't stop my lovin' you; I can't stay away.
-- Barry Gibb, creepy disco-stalking voice of a generation
Kids, this is the morning you can get anything you want BY YELLING AROUND ALL THE ADULTS.
January 1, 2026 at 2:30 PM
Kids, this is the morning you can get anything you want BY YELLING AROUND ALL THE ADULTS.
I dreamt I was being chased by slugs. Boringest. Nightmare. Ever.
December 29, 2025 at 10:34 PM
I dreamt I was being chased by slugs. Boringest. Nightmare. Ever.
Good. Nothing worse than a squishy gnome.
December 21, 2025 at 7:39 PM
Good. Nothing worse than a squishy gnome.
I wish to remind all the kids on my gift list that it's patriotic to support the American coal industry.
December 21, 2025 at 7:38 PM
I wish to remind all the kids on my gift list that it's patriotic to support the American coal industry.
Wait... reading Edward Bulwer-Lytton will lead to coquettery? But I like coquettery!
December 19, 2025 at 7:37 PM
Wait... reading Edward Bulwer-Lytton will lead to coquettery? But I like coquettery!
How the Director of Marketing at Arrow Shirts lost his job.
December 12, 2025 at 6:40 PM
How the Director of Marketing at Arrow Shirts lost his job.
The last happy moment in the Miller family was Christmas 1939. As Gloria explained to the judge at her trial, it really wasn't about the gift -- it was the thought that counted.
December 12, 2025 at 6:39 PM
The last happy moment in the Miller family was Christmas 1939. As Gloria explained to the judge at her trial, it really wasn't about the gift -- it was the thought that counted.
The White Undead Queen and her Basket of Death. #forgottenholidayicons #beforetherewassanta #unfortunatespokespersonendorsements #jellokillsbirds #afterthedutchboysadultoperation
December 11, 2025 at 11:25 PM
The White Undead Queen and her Basket of Death. #forgottenholidayicons #beforetherewassanta #unfortunatespokespersonendorsements #jellokillsbirds #afterthedutchboysadultoperation
Ah, Christmas... when one's thoughts always turn to severed heads.
December 11, 2025 at 11:23 PM
Ah, Christmas... when one's thoughts always turn to severed heads.
On birthdays, Valentine’s Day, and Christmas, Bill’s standard response to store clerks asking “What do you want for your wife?” was to joke “To silence ‘er!” One Christmas, little Bobby overheard this exchange and pooled his money with his siblings. Bill soon regretted this misunderstanding.
December 11, 2025 at 11:22 PM
On birthdays, Valentine’s Day, and Christmas, Bill’s standard response to store clerks asking “What do you want for your wife?” was to joke “To silence ‘er!” One Christmas, little Bobby overheard this exchange and pooled his money with his siblings. Bill soon regretted this misunderstanding.
A 16-inch waist after 1-2-3 kids, and stockings stuffed with investment instruments. #whypeoplecometoamerica
December 9, 2025 at 4:38 PM
A 16-inch waist after 1-2-3 kids, and stockings stuffed with investment instruments. #whypeoplecometoamerica
At the coroner's inquest the following week, it was learned that the two charred bodies had been Beau Briggens and Lula May Stanthorpe, though what they had been doing on wet grass during a lightning storm kept tongues wagging for years to come.
December 4, 2025 at 6:25 PM
At the coroner's inquest the following week, it was learned that the two charred bodies had been Beau Briggens and Lula May Stanthorpe, though what they had been doing on wet grass during a lightning storm kept tongues wagging for years to come.
To be known ever after as "the Christmas we each put an eye out".
December 4, 2025 at 6:24 PM
To be known ever after as "the Christmas we each put an eye out".
I suspect that middle-aged men thinking, "Being around younger women will make me feel younger" is a logical fallacy, while "Driving a red Lamborghini will make me appear more virile" is phallus-y logic.
December 4, 2025 at 6:23 PM
I suspect that middle-aged men thinking, "Being around younger women will make me feel younger" is a logical fallacy, while "Driving a red Lamborghini will make me appear more virile" is phallus-y logic.
I see Sylvester McMonkey McBean has been at it ageen.
December 4, 2025 at 6:21 PM
I see Sylvester McMonkey McBean has been at it ageen.
Uncle Sam makes me wanna poop.
November 27, 2025 at 1:39 PM
Uncle Sam makes me wanna poop.
Don't stick your hand in a meat grinder, 'k?
November 27, 2025 at 1:39 PM
Don't stick your hand in a meat grinder, 'k?
Why we have fact checking.
November 25, 2025 at 10:37 PM
Why we have fact checking.
As a sad postscript, Virginia finally did see Santa... and that Christmas Eve was the last her parents saw of her.
November 25, 2025 at 10:36 PM
As a sad postscript, Virginia finally did see Santa... and that Christmas Eve was the last her parents saw of her.
"…'cuz maybe she'll kick off before I have to hear her ear-bloodying raspy screech." #babylogic
November 25, 2025 at 10:36 PM
"…'cuz maybe she'll kick off before I have to hear her ear-bloodying raspy screech." #babylogic
Poor guy… there's really just no way to say that without people backing away from you.
November 20, 2025 at 7:12 PM
Poor guy… there's really just no way to say that without people backing away from you.
Chloe abruptly stopped her flirtatious laugh.
“Wait… you’re serious?” she queried.
“Sure. Vaccinations are just attempts at mind control. Everyone knows that.”
Chloe’s eyes narrowed. She suddenly realized her assumption was wrong — there was no sea plane docked nearby, and Bill was simply stupid.
“Wait… you’re serious?” she queried.
“Sure. Vaccinations are just attempts at mind control. Everyone knows that.”
Chloe’s eyes narrowed. She suddenly realized her assumption was wrong — there was no sea plane docked nearby, and Bill was simply stupid.
November 20, 2025 at 7:11 PM
Chloe abruptly stopped her flirtatious laugh.
“Wait… you’re serious?” she queried.
“Sure. Vaccinations are just attempts at mind control. Everyone knows that.”
Chloe’s eyes narrowed. She suddenly realized her assumption was wrong — there was no sea plane docked nearby, and Bill was simply stupid.
“Wait… you’re serious?” she queried.
“Sure. Vaccinations are just attempts at mind control. Everyone knows that.”
Chloe’s eyes narrowed. She suddenly realized her assumption was wrong — there was no sea plane docked nearby, and Bill was simply stupid.