Dan Fritschie
@fritschiecomic.bsky.social
Comedian, writer, narrowly regarded as a condescending asshole.
I'm far less concerned with Kanye apologizing "To those I've hurt," than I am with what he has to say "To those who keep high-fiving me."
January 26, 2026 at 7:54 PM
I'm far less concerned with Kanye apologizing "To those I've hurt," than I am with what he has to say "To those who keep high-fiving me."
Every childbirth video has a non-zero chance of being a sequel to a sex tape.
January 26, 2026 at 12:50 AM
Every childbirth video has a non-zero chance of being a sequel to a sex tape.
Judging solely from the scenes that get posted on social media, I'm guessing every episode of Landman was written by a leather recliner?
January 26, 2026 at 12:15 AM
Judging solely from the scenes that get posted on social media, I'm guessing every episode of Landman was written by a leather recliner?
I think I've curated my FB friends list just perfectly now to be able to automatically know which mutual acquaintance is being an insufferable asshole again just by seeing the number in "View all X replies".
January 24, 2026 at 4:53 AM
I think I've curated my FB friends list just perfectly now to be able to automatically know which mutual acquaintance is being an insufferable asshole again just by seeing the number in "View all X replies".
Sure, lady with a thick accent and a restricted number who sounds like they're calling from a very windy patio, I'll give you my medical insurance account number even though you never asked to confirm what my name is. The account number is 3. Just the number 3. Good luck!
January 23, 2026 at 5:26 PM
Sure, lady with a thick accent and a restricted number who sounds like they're calling from a very windy patio, I'll give you my medical insurance account number even though you never asked to confirm what my name is. The account number is 3. Just the number 3. Good luck!
Saaay... That Masters of the Universe trailer looks pretty sweet! I wonder who's playing Skeletor-Aw, goddammit!
January 22, 2026 at 3:04 PM
Saaay... That Masters of the Universe trailer looks pretty sweet! I wonder who's playing Skeletor-Aw, goddammit!
If you try to serve me a pizza that's cut up into an odd number of slices, I'm just gonna assume you have a bucket if orphans' hands in your basement.
January 21, 2026 at 3:13 PM
If you try to serve me a pizza that's cut up into an odd number of slices, I'm just gonna assume you have a bucket if orphans' hands in your basement.
At the rate Nick Fuentes is going, his eventual firing squad is gonna volunteer to take turns.
Nick Fuentes urging Trump to invoke the Insurrection Act in Minnesota: "Bro, do it. Do something. Just stop chickening out. I'm just tired of the idle threats... Please pull the trigger. Please kill them, Mr. President. Please just kill them."
www.mediamatters.org/nick-fuentes...
www.mediamatters.org/nick-fuentes...
Nick Fuentes: “Please pull the trigger. Please kill them, Mr. President. … I'm not actually wishing for violence, but please send in the military and restore order.”
www.mediamatters.org
January 20, 2026 at 10:33 PM
At the rate Nick Fuentes is going, his eventual firing squad is gonna volunteer to take turns.
"Sure, kiddo. You can watch a movie."
(Kid picks a Tim Allen movie with an all Smash Mouth soundtrack)
...
(Sharp inhale)
(Kid picks a Tim Allen movie with an all Smash Mouth soundtrack)
...
(Sharp inhale)
January 19, 2026 at 2:30 PM
"Sure, kiddo. You can watch a movie."
(Kid picks a Tim Allen movie with an all Smash Mouth soundtrack)
...
(Sharp inhale)
(Kid picks a Tim Allen movie with an all Smash Mouth soundtrack)
...
(Sharp inhale)
Kinda weird that they made a children's book about that scene in The Godfather where Michael reluctantly agrees to take control of the family business, but OK.
January 19, 2026 at 3:58 AM
Kinda weird that they made a children's book about that scene in The Godfather where Michael reluctantly agrees to take control of the family business, but OK.
I just love getting a lecture on manners from a guy cold calling me to offer cash for my house. In a way, he was right. I should've have besmirched the stellar reputation of bottom-feeding ass goblins like that.
January 16, 2026 at 10:50 PM
I just love getting a lecture on manners from a guy cold calling me to offer cash for my house. In a way, he was right. I should've have besmirched the stellar reputation of bottom-feeding ass goblins like that.
"Well, I guess I should've known by the way she parked ger car sideways that she wouldn't pass."
- Prince, in an alternate dimension where he was a driving instructor
- Prince, in an alternate dimension where he was a driving instructor
January 15, 2026 at 3:05 PM
"Well, I guess I should've known by the way she parked ger car sideways that she wouldn't pass."
- Prince, in an alternate dimension where he was a driving instructor
- Prince, in an alternate dimension where he was a driving instructor
Reposted by Dan Fritschie
Scott Adams dying at 68 rather than 69 is the perfect capstone to a life of being almost — but not quite — funny
January 13, 2026 at 6:49 PM
Scott Adams dying at 68 rather than 69 is the perfect capstone to a life of being almost — but not quite — funny
I've never been more relieved that our nuclear arsenal still runs on floppies.
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said Monday that Elon Musk's artificial intelligence chatbot Grok will join Google's generative AI engine in operating inside the Pentagon network, as part of a broader push to feed as much of the military's data as possible into the developing technology. n.pr/4jE0qJW
Pentagon is embracing Musk's Grok AI chatbot as it draws global outcry
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said Monday that Elon Musk's artificial intelligence chatbot Grok will join Google's generative AI engine in operating inside the Pentagon network, as part of a broader push to feed as much of the military's data as possible into the developing technology.
n.pr
January 14, 2026 at 4:31 AM
I've never been more relieved that our nuclear arsenal still runs on floppies.
I don't want to speak ill of the dead, so I'll just wish everyone in Scott Adams' life a huge sigh of relief.
January 13, 2026 at 5:11 PM
I don't want to speak ill of the dead, so I'll just wish everyone in Scott Adams' life a huge sigh of relief.
A lion does not concern itself with the opinion of sheep... Mainly because that lion would be like, "HOLY SHIT! WHAT AM I DOING IN THIS RUGGED MOUNTAIN LANDSCAPE? THIS IS NOT MY NATURAL HABITAT AT ALL!"
January 13, 2026 at 3:35 AM
A lion does not concern itself with the opinion of sheep... Mainly because that lion would be like, "HOLY SHIT! WHAT AM I DOING IN THIS RUGGED MOUNTAIN LANDSCAPE? THIS IS NOT MY NATURAL HABITAT AT ALL!"
"Alright, we're going old school."
"Gotcha. We paddle anyone who brings up evolution."
"No."
"Separate water fountains?"
"Dude, what the fuck?"
"Gotcha. We paddle anyone who brings up evolution."
"No."
"Separate water fountains?"
"Dude, what the fuck?"
January 12, 2026 at 11:51 PM
"Alright, we're going old school."
"Gotcha. We paddle anyone who brings up evolution."
"No."
"Separate water fountains?"
"Dude, what the fuck?"
"Gotcha. We paddle anyone who brings up evolution."
"No."
"Separate water fountains?"
"Dude, what the fuck?"
I just don't understand how anyone can watch two camera angles of that FUCKING MURDER and still try to argue that it was justifiable.
January 11, 2026 at 2:38 PM
I just don't understand how anyone can watch two camera angles of that FUCKING MURDER and still try to argue that it was justifiable.
Redneck Jesus in Cana...
January 10, 2026 at 3:53 PM
Redneck Jesus in Cana...
We could completely reform our entire political landscape if we hooked every candidate for public office up to a heart rate monitor and watch them order a meal at a restaurant with a 'no substitutions' policy. Those results would disqualify 95% of the dickflutes we have right now.
January 8, 2026 at 9:31 PM
We could completely reform our entire political landscape if we hooked every candidate for public office up to a heart rate monitor and watch them order a meal at a restaurant with a 'no substitutions' policy. Those results would disqualify 95% of the dickflutes we have right now.
Schrödinger's Spam Folder: Reminding everyone on your email list to check their spam folder in case the important info you need to tell them gets sent there. But if that's the case, they'll never get the message. Therefore, the reminder is simultaneously sent, received, and doesn't exist at all.
January 8, 2026 at 7:25 PM
Schrödinger's Spam Folder: Reminding everyone on your email list to check their spam folder in case the important info you need to tell them gets sent there. But if that's the case, they'll never get the message. Therefore, the reminder is simultaneously sent, received, and doesn't exist at all.
Steering your car to the right doesn't make your left turn any easier, or vice versa. If anything, it only makes the turn sharper. Whoever taught you to do this, smack them.
January 8, 2026 at 4:03 PM
Steering your car to the right doesn't make your left turn any easier, or vice versa. If anything, it only makes the turn sharper. Whoever taught you to do this, smack them.
I scrolled past a Chick-fil-A ad too fast on FB and thought they were selling a chicken sandwich milkshake.
I had to scroll back. Turns out it was a chicken sandwich and milkshake COMBO MEAL. Thank God for that! A chicken sandwich milkshake is some Sonic bullshit.
I had to scroll back. Turns out it was a chicken sandwich and milkshake COMBO MEAL. Thank God for that! A chicken sandwich milkshake is some Sonic bullshit.
January 7, 2026 at 3:28 PM
I scrolled past a Chick-fil-A ad too fast on FB and thought they were selling a chicken sandwich milkshake.
I had to scroll back. Turns out it was a chicken sandwich and milkshake COMBO MEAL. Thank God for that! A chicken sandwich milkshake is some Sonic bullshit.
I had to scroll back. Turns out it was a chicken sandwich and milkshake COMBO MEAL. Thank God for that! A chicken sandwich milkshake is some Sonic bullshit.
"You bastards have some nerve saying 'Wait a damn minute here'!"
- This unnamed 18th century French composer, in heaven, watching Mozart react to the guy who wrote "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" reacting to the guy who wrote "Baa Baa Black Sheep" listening to "The ABC Song" for the first time.
- This unnamed 18th century French composer, in heaven, watching Mozart react to the guy who wrote "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" reacting to the guy who wrote "Baa Baa Black Sheep" listening to "The ABC Song" for the first time.
January 6, 2026 at 3:17 AM
"You bastards have some nerve saying 'Wait a damn minute here'!"
- This unnamed 18th century French composer, in heaven, watching Mozart react to the guy who wrote "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" reacting to the guy who wrote "Baa Baa Black Sheep" listening to "The ABC Song" for the first time.
- This unnamed 18th century French composer, in heaven, watching Mozart react to the guy who wrote "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" reacting to the guy who wrote "Baa Baa Black Sheep" listening to "The ABC Song" for the first time.
For a split second there, I thought this damn tortoise was holding a dagger.
January 5, 2026 at 12:58 AM
For a split second there, I thought this damn tortoise was holding a dagger.