Pope Francis is in critical condition after suffering “a long asthmatic respiratory crisis” this morning caused by “swallowing too much underage cum”, the Vatican announced.

BREAKING: The entirety of Elon Musk’s property is set to be inherited by US pres. Donald Trump, while his private collection of massive veiny dildos will be buried in the Kennedy Garden at the White House.

BREAKING: Elon Musk’s dead body is currently being transported to a SpaceX take off site where a hidden underground rocket the shape of a human penis, called “DOGE Rocket”, is set to bring the body to the planet Mars.

BREAKING: @apnews.com reports that Elon Musk has been found dead at 53 in his room at Mar-a-Lago Club. It’s suspected that he may have died due to a ketamine overdose.

Rapper Drake responds to Kendrick Lamar’s Grammy-winning diss track “Not Like Us”:

“Technically it’s called ephebophilia!”

🚨 Sabrina Carpenter announces new single “Shoot Your Fucking Cum Into My Tight Pussy” off of her upcoming album, releasing on this Friday, Feb 21st.

Canadian PM Justin Trudeau on Canada’s current relationship with the US and Trump Administration:

“Girl this bitch crazy likee”

Famous pop-singer Selena Gomez when asked what she likes most about her fiancé Benny Blanco:

“His big toe.”