@filmilton.bsky.social
I won’t spend my days wearing a graduation cap; there’s mortar life.
November 24, 2025 at 6:34 PM
I won’t spend my days wearing a graduation cap; there’s mortar life.
My friend says she’s turned off by low status and high status people. Class ick.
November 23, 2025 at 9:18 PM
My friend says she’s turned off by low status and high status people. Class ick.
I’ve updated the classic Doctor Doctor joke. It’s starts, Receptionist, Receptionist…
November 23, 2025 at 8:54 PM
I’ve updated the classic Doctor Doctor joke. It’s starts, Receptionist, Receptionist…
I was driving along and there was a sign that said, “Animals in the road”. It was full time at Anfield.
November 23, 2025 at 8:49 PM
I was driving along and there was a sign that said, “Animals in the road”. It was full time at Anfield.
“Well, I better get off..”
“Oh, do you need to be somewhere?”
“No, I need a wank.”
“Oh, do you need to be somewhere?”
“No, I need a wank.”
November 23, 2025 at 7:12 PM
“Well, I better get off..”
“Oh, do you need to be somewhere?”
“No, I need a wank.”
“Oh, do you need to be somewhere?”
“No, I need a wank.”
I bought a DVD documentary about John Wayne Bobbit; a snip at £20!
November 23, 2025 at 5:05 PM
I bought a DVD documentary about John Wayne Bobbit; a snip at £20!
I’ll always remember the day my dad took me for my first pint. Is 15 too young to give blood?
November 22, 2025 at 4:50 PM
I’ll always remember the day my dad took me for my first pint. Is 15 too young to give blood?
My girlfriend has funny tastes: she says she not into Penguin bars. She says they’re too cold and only serve fish.
November 22, 2025 at 3:00 PM
My girlfriend has funny tastes: she says she not into Penguin bars. She says they’re too cold and only serve fish.
I was brought to tonight’s gig by a chauffeur: longest piggyback rider ever!
November 22, 2025 at 8:26 AM
I was brought to tonight’s gig by a chauffeur: longest piggyback rider ever!
Apparently there’s a politician that has reduced sanction of breakfast cereals, despite being on the board at Kelloggs, which is a cornflakes of interest.
November 20, 2025 at 12:42 PM
Apparently there’s a politician that has reduced sanction of breakfast cereals, despite being on the board at Kelloggs, which is a cornflakes of interest.
My dog Fido died recently but I didn’t have pet insurance, only car insurance, which was fine because he was driving.
November 18, 2025 at 9:08 PM
My dog Fido died recently but I didn’t have pet insurance, only car insurance, which was fine because he was driving.
My wife hates to fly; she gets so nervous that she starts biting her nails, so I had to ban her from wearing sandals.
November 17, 2025 at 10:10 PM
My wife hates to fly; she gets so nervous that she starts biting her nails, so I had to ban her from wearing sandals.
I’ve just accepted a part in a movie about a 100 year old barmcake. It’s the roll of a lifetime.
November 17, 2025 at 2:37 PM
I’ve just accepted a part in a movie about a 100 year old barmcake. It’s the roll of a lifetime.
Recently my uncle went in for an operation. Operation Yew Tree.
November 16, 2025 at 9:17 AM
Recently my uncle went in for an operation. Operation Yew Tree.
Our last Uber driver was a cheeky chappie - always making the kids laugh! Whenever he picked up the family he would joke: “Adults pay full price; kids ride for free!” So now I get him to take them to school.
November 14, 2025 at 10:02 PM
Our last Uber driver was a cheeky chappie - always making the kids laugh! Whenever he picked up the family he would joke: “Adults pay full price; kids ride for free!” So now I get him to take them to school.
My grandma kept complaining her new vape wasn’t working. I said I’m not surprised: that’s a Vodaphone dongle!
November 14, 2025 at 9:57 PM
My grandma kept complaining her new vape wasn’t working. I said I’m not surprised: that’s a Vodaphone dongle!
I’ve been into three cornershops today. All they sold were triangles.
November 14, 2025 at 9:49 PM
I’ve been into three cornershops today. All they sold were triangles.
Noah’s story is epic: first he’s a farmer, then a builder, then a saviour of all those animals. What an arc!
November 14, 2025 at 1:36 PM
Noah’s story is epic: first he’s a farmer, then a builder, then a saviour of all those animals. What an arc!
The phenomenon of incapacitated actors is often understudied.
November 12, 2025 at 5:42 PM
The phenomenon of incapacitated actors is often understudied.
I’ve just finished writing an encyclopaedia of vegetables. That’s a turnip for the books.
November 10, 2025 at 4:44 PM
I’ve just finished writing an encyclopaedia of vegetables. That’s a turnip for the books.
Apparently, working at a golf club can help improve your eyesight. Eventually you can see a fair way.
November 10, 2025 at 3:40 PM
Apparently, working at a golf club can help improve your eyesight. Eventually you can see a fair way.
My grandad has dementia and gets all mixed up. The other day I went round and he was wearing a wetsuit, because he’s also incontinent.
November 9, 2025 at 10:05 PM
My grandad has dementia and gets all mixed up. The other day I went round and he was wearing a wetsuit, because he’s also incontinent.
I’d be terrible on Bake-Off. The last cake I made didn’t come out right: how was I supposed to know the eggs aren’t meant to be fried?
November 9, 2025 at 9:57 PM
I’d be terrible on Bake-Off. The last cake I made didn’t come out right: how was I supposed to know the eggs aren’t meant to be fried?
I’ve spent over £20,000 on a therapist who finally diagnosed me as financially irresponsible.
November 9, 2025 at 9:54 PM
I’ve spent over £20,000 on a therapist who finally diagnosed me as financially irresponsible.
I was fired from my first day as traffic warden for missing my shift. It wasn’t my fault, I couldn’t find anywhere to park.
November 9, 2025 at 9:51 PM
I was fired from my first day as traffic warden for missing my shift. It wasn’t my fault, I couldn’t find anywhere to park.