Every day I race my friend on NYT mini crossword and whenever I beat his time I send him a gif of Max Verstappen and steal 1000 aura from him. (I don't know what aura means)

Dudes be like "rules were meant to be broken" but won't jaywalk, like okay fed

I was on a flight with my dad and I was gonna say "I'm gonna blow up the bathroom on this plane" then realized I'm on a plane and probably shouldn't say such things

Approximately 93% of all sandwiches are made at half past midnight and eaten while standing in the kitchen half naked.

This guy sitting next to me on this plane has the reading light on, and through my peripheries he looks exactly like a scholar in a Renaissance era painting. Brought a tear to my eye.

Man I must've had a double serving of the stupid juice in my sleep I can't think at all today

"My heart goes out to you" Put it back in your chest man

Fuck my derp life

they call me F4 the way my bitches be alt

Eating cinnamon toast crunch with no milk, just to feel something.

Do millennials know how good Dr Pepper Strawberry and Cream is

I love my friends. They all live in my phone. Sometimes I wish they weren't just in my phone, but even if they are, I'm happy I found them.

So I had a bit of a brainwave

Que sera, sera, or as the French say, "Fuck it"

I believe it was Shakespeare who said: "SEIS leches? En esta economia?"

Jester's privilege was my silver bullet, but no matter how annoying I was no one was there to shut me up by kissing me on the mouth. Now I am left with no alternative. I must become evil, and my plan to destroy the world can only be stopped by kissing me on the mouth. A perfect plan.