What’s the over/under that my bf remembers my birthday?

The sweet 20-something telling me to clean my apartment by inviting someone over…

Sweetie, I’m in a full blown relationship. He knows I’m trash. So do all my friends. I gotta get through this on pure willpower and self-disgust.

Last night my mom told me she’s going to call her Congress people because the mail is taking too long…

Today management told me that if I am anything other than 100% pleasant and happy, 100% of the time, even with coworkers and managers, that I am in danger of being documented.

This is because I took a breath while stressed before answering a coworker.

So, do I make my last day Dec 30 or…???

The woman next to me ordered a margarita half St. Germaine and like…gross.

The way I truly despise my manager is unprecedented levels of unhealthy.

Her: Is the restaurant open now?

Me: At 5:30

Her: No. I meant in general.

Me: Then I think that answers both questions…

If CVS is going to keep all of the items I need locked in cages, why not just have a counter and a sales person. I can tell them all the things I need and they just grab them from behind the counter and hand them to me? Why make me buzz someone for lotion? Stop it.

Guys…I had to serve Paul Ryan today and I need everyone to know that, yes, he absolutely does have serial killer handwriting.

Not my brother FaceTiming me back as I’m shoveling skirt steak into my mouth caveman style…

The heat is on in my building, which means that even though I haven’t turned the heat on in my apartment, and all of my windows are wide open, it’s still sweltering.

A lot of Americans are about to find out what the federal government they so despise actually does. Of course by then it will likely be too late.

Yall, I messed up. I lost track of time and was up until 4am reading.

Can you imagine being so dumb that being absolutely phenomenal in bed doesn’t matter? That your sexual interest is still repulsed by you? Because that just happened to the guy shooting his shot.

Homie, do you not remember that things ended because you’re just genuinely not smart?

Had to explain to a couple boomers at work that Paul is universally despised and the nation has gathered to hope he leaves in a body bag with I fewer ear.

If Mike Tyson doesn’t win based on staying in the whole 8 rounds alone, I’m calling this rigged. #PaulTyson

So this boomer wanted to chat with me about why I hate trump and boomers.

Anyway, I stayed hella calm, but he still accused me of being hysterical. Then I called him a snowflake and he closed out his tab to move to the other end of the bar, proving me correct.

Boomers gonna boom.

What dystopian novels/books is everyone catching up on in preparation?

I’m thinking about rereading “1984”.