Double Bay Today
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Double Bay Today
@doublebaytoday.bsky.social
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Australian satire news publication
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SMOKE AND MIRRORS: The state government has today launched a breakthrough initiative to help combat vaping. "It's a brand-new product called 'cigarettes.'" says a spokesperson for NSW Health. Cigarettes use tobacco, a leafy plant which naturally contains nicotine. "It's a more natural, analogue alternative and it's better for the environment," says the spokesperson. With vaping levels reaching record highs, the state government says now is the time to act, offering a packet of 25 cigarettes for $41. However critics are pointing out the drawbacks of cigarettes. "They only come in two flavours, original and menthol," says one consumer advocate. "Plus you need a lighter to use them. I doubt they'll catch on."
November 20, 2025 at 2:26 AM
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CLEAN EATING: Iconic Double Bay restaurant Margaret has quietly introduced Ozempic to its menu this week, for people looking for a high-end dining experience, without the burden of actually consuming a meal. "We noticed a growing number of guests booking tables, taking photos of the food, and sending it back untouched,” said one staff member. “So we thought, why not streamline the experience?" The pioneering move comes as eastern suburbs locals increasingly shun food in preparation for the hottest months of the year. “It’s perfect,” said one regular from Bellevue Hill. “I can socialise, pretend I’m having lunch, and still fit into my December wardrobe.”
November 19, 2025 at 3:16 AM
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STAYCATION: The iconic Watsons Bay Hotel has announced an exclusive Schoolies Week alternative, catering to local parents who feel Surfers Paradise or Byron Bay is too far away and too unsafe. "'Schoolies at Watsons Bay promises all the excitement of the traditional week away, without the risks of budget accommodation, low quality food or rowdy bogan behaviour," says event organiser Olivia Cartright. "And if something does go wrong, it's only a quick Uber ride home." The week-long event, beginning on November 23, will be closed to non-school leavers, as well as anyone who lives outside of the eastern suburbs. "Every night we'll be hosting a silent disco for sensitive ears and parents can rest easy knowing that we'll be enforcing a strict 9.30pm curfew," says Olivia Cartright. Megan Riley-Jones, who finished year 12 at Kambala this year says she can't wait for Schoolies at Watsons Bay, which is only 750 metres from home. "Mum says I will still need to call her every two hours," she told DBT. "But I'm so excited! It'll be my first real taste of freedom."
November 18, 2025 at 6:24 AM
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HOT PROPERTY: A Sydney real estate agent is being accused of bringing “unnecessary sales tactics” into Facebook Marketplace after listing his 12-year-old Delonghi toaster and insisting he’s already “had strong interest.” “I’ve had multiple offers over $13,” 38-year-old agent Tom Lavelle from Coogee told one potential buyer, “but we’ll let the market decide.” The toaster is described online as “oozing potential" alongside 14 wide-angle photos and a 90-second video with drone footage. “It’s a rare opportunity to secure a premium kitchen appliance,” he added. “Perfect for a first-time buyer or downsizer.” Potential buyers say negotiations have been tense. “When I offered $15, he told me there was a lot of competition and he’d be taking offers until Saturday,” said one frustrated local. “I think he's intentionally underquoting." "It’s a toaster, not a duplex in Randwick,” says another potential buyer. Sources confirm the toaster eventually sold for $17.45 after a heated bidding war which Lavelle described as “a reflection of continued confidence in the market.”
November 15, 2025 at 2:58 AM
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ALL TALK: Local woman Maggie Phillips was caught off guard today by a chance encounter with old friend Karen Johnson, who exclaimed "OMG, I haven't seen you in ages. I've missed you!" It comes despite Karen Johnson not replying to calls or texts for the better part of a decade. "Her saying that was a bit rich," Maggie Phillips told DBT. "Especially as I texted her only last week to say hi, without any reply." "She hugged me as though she was still my best friend. All while I had flashbacks of the 'read' notifications on my messages." Maggie Phillips says she decided to play it cool in the moment and not mention all her attempts at getting in touch. "We had a bit of small talk and then she even had the audacity to say: 'Let's catch up properly soon.' "With a hint of sarcasm, I replied: 'yeah sounds great.' Then under my breath I said, 'see you never bitch.'"
November 14, 2025 at 6:14 AM
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DRESSED TO THE NINES: A Sydney man is braving the summer heat, attending a friends BBQ fully kitted out in an off brand Adidas tracksuit and bucket hat. However DBT can reveal that Mark Tamali didn't even go to the Oasis reunion gig at Accor Stadium. "Isn't this look really in style now?" the Balmain man asked his friends who looked visibly disappointed. Sources confirm the 34 year old purchased the controversial ensemble on Temu for just $24 dollars, approximately one-sixth of the price of a single Oasis ticket. "He's clearly just trying to jump on the Oasis bandwagon," said one of his friends who did actually go to the concert last night. Adding insult to irony, Tamili was overheard asking, “Wait, which one’s Liam again?” while queuing for coleslaw.
November 9, 2025 at 5:08 AM
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CRANBROOK COUTURE: Like their fathers before them, a group of eastern suburbs private school students yesterday marked the end of HSC exams in the only way they know. They made a beeline for The Golden Sheaf hotel in their traditional dress: A white linen shirt and beige chinos. "It's a celebration," one of the students explained, adjusting the collar of his linen shirt, which perfectly matched the attire of at least a dozen other young men in the vicinity. "We've worked hard all year, and now it's time to unwind in style." As the day progressed, the group was seen raising glasses to toast the end of an era, and to the sheer comfort of natural fibers. Fashion experts have weighed in on the phenomenon, dubbing it the "Cranbrook Couture." "The white linen shirt and beige chinos combo is the epitome of effortless prep," says style commentator Sally Stiller. "It's a look that says, 'I'm here to relax, but also, my parents might own the place.'"
November 7, 2025 at 10:43 PM
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HELLO SAILOR: A Manly woman is being called out for lying to friends about how she got to Double Bay. "My friend Tom is so nice to me, he just dropped me off his boat at the jetty here," claimed Maya Farley as she arrived at Double Bay. "It's so good to have friends with boats," she says. But several witnesses say they saw the 27 year old arrive today on the 3.30pm Sydney Ferry service from Manly, via Circular Quay. DBT has reached out to interview Ms Farley, but she's yet to respond. Her instagram shows a photo of herself on Sydney Harbour. But the images are cropped tight to make it look like she wasn't on a ferry. The instagram post was captioned #YachtLife.
November 6, 2025 at 5:45 AM
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HARD YARDS: A Bondi man says he's looking forward to his second date with a local yoga instructor after enduring a gruelling two-hour conversation about mindfulness at Common Supply café on Campbell Parade. “I didn’t even know it was possible to discuss breath work for that long,” said 33-year-old Tom Henderson, still visibly shaken but proud. “I just kept nodding and saying ‘yeah totally’ every few minutes. It seemed to work.” The yoga instructor, Skye Skase, told DBT she was impressed by Tom’s ability to “stay grounded and present.” "I'm holding space for that kind of authentic masculine energy. I could tell he was struggling internally but his aura stayed strong, and that’s rare in men from Bondi.” Tom now faces what he's calling “the real test”: a 90-minute yin yoga class followed by a silent beach walk. “I’m not sure I’ll survive another round,” he admitted. “But she said it’s all about surrendering the ego, which I think means I’m paying again.”
November 5, 2025 at 6:46 AM
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90's CHIC: A Coogee man has been out shopping today, humming Don’t Look Back in Anger to himself, as he put the finishing touches on his outfit for the Oasis concert in Sydney on Friday night. "I just bought this bucket hat from my local chemist," Darren Whitfield-Hayes told DBT. "But I've has this tracksuit since 1998. I wore it when Liam spat on a security guard at the Leeds Festival." The 52 year old fled Manchester for Australia when he was 27. "He reckons his Oasis concert look is timeless," says one of his friends. “Which is the same thing he said about his marriage and his hairline.” Local fashion experts are describing the outfit as “heritage dadcore” and “a cry for help in polyester form.”
November 5, 2025 at 12:22 AM
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WORLDS COLLIDE: An eastern suburbs man is ruffling feathers in the inner west tonight, after going to a Halloween party dressed as a Newtown resident. Typically James Mathers-Reid hangs out at the Golden Sheaf, wearing white linen shirts with chinos with R.M Williams. But tonight the former Cranbrook student wore fake tattoos and piercings, coloured hair and an all black ensemble with his t-shirt tucked in. The costume was well received by people at the party which was held in Rose Bay. But the controversy began when photos were posted online. "This costume is a serious case of cultural appropriation," one Newtown man told DBT. "It's reduced our entire community to a cliche." "Newtown is not a costume, it's a way of life." The incident sparked discussions about the complexities of respecting other people's identity, and how suburbs only a few kilometres apart can have such different cultures. James Mathers-Reid was unavailable for comment. But he released a statement: "I'm sorry to anyone I may have offended," he wrote. "The truth is I've never even been west of Edgecliff."
October 31, 2025 at 5:51 AM
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FRIGHT NIGHT: Guests at a Halloween party in Rose Bay were left stunned this afternoon after one partygoer declared she was not wearing any kind of costume. Chantelle Blake-Riley arrived at the party in a simple black singlet and jeans, but her shiny, motionless face and rapid recent weight loss led guests to initially believe she was dressed as a zombie or a ghost. "Best case scenario I thought she was dressed up as a 'Real Housewives' character or a wax museum exhibit," said one guest. When asked how she achieved her look, Chantelle Blake-Riley simply said: “Consistency.” Sources have revealed to DBT she maintains her look with 48 units of Botox and 1.5mg of Ozempic per week. Even though she wasn't in fancy dress, the 41 year old was awarded best costume, however her reaction was completely emotionless.
October 31, 2025 at 2:07 AM
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MENTAL ROADBLOCK: A Dover Heights man attempting to run the 80km Bondi to Manly ultra- marathon has only completed 16kms of the course after stopping short in Elizabeth Bay. “I knew the run would be tough,” Lachie Morton-Smith told DBT. “And I felt fine running through Bondi, Dover Heights, Vaucluse, Watsons Bay, Rose Bay, Double Bay and Edgecliff, but once I hit Elizabeth Bay I moved out of my comfort zone." The 32-year-old accountant says he still had loads of energy, but felt uneasy about leaving the familiar confines of the eastern suburbs. “He kept telling other runners that he feels uncomfortable about crossing the Harbour Bridge," said one passer-by. Morton-Smith quickly hailed a cab on Macleay Street and went to Dover Heights where he is now recovering at his home sauna. “I might try again next year,” he said. “But I’ll probably just go from Bondi to Rose Bay or something more achievable.”
October 25, 2025 at 1:36 AM
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FASHION DILEMMA: As summer's hottest months approach, one Cremorne man has been considering rolling up his chinos, but not for the reason you may think. "A lot of my friends roll up their pants to expose the labels on their R.M. Williams," says Ben Jamison. "I'm yet to make that transition, but to be honest, I'm seriously thinking about it." The 34 year old says his reluctance stems from his time as a rugby playing private school boy. "School boy rugby and rolled up chinos don't exactly go hand in hand," he says. "I've seen how it looks in the mirror at home, and I've never felt comfortable going outside in public like that." However, with a little encouragement from DBT, Ben Jamison finally took the plunge today. He stepped out onto Military Rd, wearing rolled up chinos, revealing that unmistakable R.M. Williams branding. "It feels a bit try hard," he admitted. "But at least people know my boots are R.M. Williams." "There's so many copycat brands out there. It's important people know I'm wearing the real thing."
October 23, 2025 at 4:02 AM
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ART IMITATING LIFE: In a humorous case of mistaken identity, a vacant car space in the carpark at Bondi Beach has been mistaken as a sophisticated art installation during the annual Sculpture by the Sea event. "Wow, that's super cool," one onlooker said. "I've never seen anything quite like it." Some people said they thought the installation was a minimalist piece of art about urban isolation. Others thought it was a commentary on the scarcity of parking spots in the bustling Bondi Beach area. Little did they know it was an actual vacant space. "It's nice, it's different, it's unusual," said one man, in an ironic nod to Aussie TV sitcom Kath and Kim. The confusion lasted for several hours before someone who didn't know about Sculpture by the Sea eventually parked their car in the spot.
October 17, 2025 at 11:40 PM
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PERFORMANCE ART: It wasn't just the beautiful artwork attracting attention today at the annual Sculpture by the Sea exhibition. As visitors slowly navigated the congested Bondi to Bronte pathway, they were also forced to contend with a topless runner, dangerously weaving his way through the crowds. "It was pretty frustrating to be honest," one art lover told DBT. "He came around a corner and almost knocked me off the track and down the cliff face near Mackenzies Bay." Onlookers were left to wonder why the man chose the first morning of Sculpture by the Sea to run on the narrow pathway. "At one point I saw him bump into one of the sculptures, nearly dislodging it from the ground," said another onlooker. A DBT reporter gave chase to the runner, finally catching up with him for an interview outside the Bronte Surf Club. "This is the first time I've done any exercise since 2019," he admitted. "Actually I'm also thinking of driving down to Double Bay this afternoon to run a few laps of Transvaal Avenue."
October 17, 2025 at 12:32 AM
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NO PRESSURE: There were tense scenes across Sydney’s east this morning as anxious parents farewelled their children for the first HSC exam. At one Bellevue Hill home, a mother was overheard reminding her son that “his ATAR will determine how we’re spoken about at dinner parties until 2035.” Another local family employed a convoy of vehicles to ensure a safe and timely arrival at school for their year 12 daughter. "We just want her to do her very best," her father told DBT. "But if she doesn't get into law at Sydney Uni, we might need to relocate to Melbourne and start again."
October 16, 2025 at 12:54 AM
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QUEUE CULTURE: A new study shows the depressing truth about living in one of the world's most overrated cities. Researchers at UNSW have found there's now only a handful of fun things to do in Sydney, and all of them involve massive queues. "I only really like going out to the Sheaf or The Caterpillar Club," one woman told DBT. "Then on Sunday it's either cinnamon scrolls and macha at Sundays Bondi, or fro yo at Yo-Chi." However researchers found that virtually everyone else in Sydney has exactly the same ideas, normally at exactly the same times, leading to bottlenecks all over the city. The study identified other congestion points such as Vivid, any beach car parking areas, anywhere with a view, and any club/pub toilet cubicles. "And even when you're not out having fun, you're probably also waiting in a queue, either at a rental inspection or at Service NSW or something." “Honestly, leaving Sydney is the best option, but then you go to the airport, and that’s a queue just to join another queue.”
October 11, 2025 at 10:22 PM
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PUSHING THE ENVELOPE: A well-intentioned Australia Post delivery driver has lost his job after attempting to make life easier for a parcel recipient. "Instead of just leaving a ‘Sorry We Missed You’ card without ever attempting delivery, I thought I'd knock on the door and give them the parcel," says the delivery driver. Australia Post’s internal investigation revealed his actions were deliberate. “He admitted to knocking on the door to save the customer a trip to the post office,” An Australia Post spokesperson said. “This kind of efficiency undermines our entire business model.” “We cannot allow rogue behaviour like this to tarnish our reputation.” Meanwhile, the delivery driver's story has gone viral, with many expressing sympathy for his plight. “He’s a hero,” one commenter wrote. “All I’ve ever wanted is to receive a parcel without needing to queue at the post office for 40 minutes behind someone paying their phone bill.”
October 7, 2025 at 3:46 AM
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BIG THINGS COMING: A Bondi Junction woman has taken the first brave step in her career as an entrepreneur. Nikki Brenner has spent $1200 on a professional photographer to get a range of headshots of herself. “I can’t believe this is actually all happening now,” says Brenner. “I’ve been dreaming about this stuff for years.” The 28 year old says she has a few business ideas “in the pipeline,” including a skin care line, an innovative dating app and a sustainable plastics company. “I’m also considering becoming a content creator. I’m not 100% sure which way I’m going to go, but I’m getting all my headshots sorted for when I’m ready to pull the trigger.” In a full day shoot today over three different locations, the budding entrepreneur got a range of both corporate and lifestyle photos. “I’ll be posting the pics on my socials in the lead up to launch, so watch this space,” she says.
September 29, 2025 at 4:16 AM
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PERFORMATIVE PRODUCTIVITY: The University of Sydney today unveiled a new doctoral program in a new field of study called 'Neponomics.' It's a three year PhD course educating students on how to appear industrious while patiently waiting for generational wealth to bail them out. “One thing we'll be teaching is how to take a gap year in Europe, disguised as 'investment opportunity research,'” says one lecturer. "Think Prosecco in Tuscany while scribbling notes on ‘market trends.’” "Another popular technique is to wear a suit out for casual after-work drinks with friends, to make it seem like you actually have a job." "And of course we're encouraging our students to always remain active on LinkedIn." Enrolments are already maxed out for the course’s launch at the start of next year. "Most young people can't afford to live in Sydney unless they are trust fund recipients, so there is huge interest in this course," says the uni.
September 25, 2025 at 9:05 AM
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FAST FOOD DIPLOMACY: The Australian Prime Minister has finally managed to secure a coveted one-on-one with the US President, thanks to a bold career pivot to a McDonald’s counter in New York. “We all know how much Donald Trump loves his Maccas, so I thought taking a job there would be my best chance of meeting him,” Anthony Albanese declared. And the greasy gambit paid off a short time ago, with Donald Trump strolling into the outlet for an Egg McMuffin, leading to a brief encounter between the two leaders. "I can't say at this stage exactly what was discussed, but let's just say our talks were productive," Albanese told DBT. It comes shortly after the Australian PM was snubbed from Donald Trump’s official schedule of meetings in New York. The White House has confirmed the President still has no plans for a formal meeting, but Albanese has asked to be rostered onto the night shift at the same outlet in a desperate bid to hopefully meet Trump again.
September 22, 2025 at 11:16 PM
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TRAINWRECK: A local baby boomer continues to perplex fellow commuters by boarding trains before allowing others to disembark. DBT captured this photo of Michael Mitchell getting on a train, as several people formed inside the carriage waiting to get off. "Ummm hello!!? yelled one frustrated passenger. "When I was five years old I already knew to let passengers off the train first!" When approached for comment, Mr Mitchell seemed genuinely puzzled. "I don't see what the big deal is," he shrugged. "People are too sensitive these days!" Commuters report Mitchell also caused a minor pile-up at the ticket gates when he tried to tap off using his Medicare card.
September 20, 2025 at 8:19 AM
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TAKING A TOLL: There was awkward first date energy in Sydney this evening when a Double Bay man dropping a first date home to Mosman casually asked if she’d pay for the Harbour Bridge toll. “He kept talking about the cost of living crisis and how he still hasn't recovered financially from the covid epidemic." "Then he asked me to transfer him $4.41 for the bridge,” the woman told DBT. “I got the ick." “I tried to explain the toll is for southbound only,” but he replied: "'Yeah, but I still need to come back."' The date ended abruptly outside her Mosman apartment where she agreed to pay him via PayID. DBT contacted the Double Bay man who was reluctant to talk, but he did say she wasn't his type.
September 14, 2025 at 11:13 PM
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PRICED OUT: A Bondi teenager has spent the afternoon kicking back in his lounge room, clueless about the mass exodus of Sydney due to its unaffordable housing, especially in the east. “I can’t wait to grow up and buy a place like this,” the 16 year old told DBT, while snacking on chips and soft drink while lying on the couch at his parent's $5.4 million dollar home. "But I think I'd prefer to live in Bellevue Hill." Economists tell DBT the teenager would need to start saving roughly $1,800 a week immediately and continue until the age of 74 to even consider buying a studio apartment within 30km of the CBD. His parents, who bought their house in 1994 for less than the cost of a new Range Rover chuckled politely when asked if they thought their son had a chance. “He’s a good kid, but unless he invents a new cryptocurrency or marries an heiress, he’ll be moving out west or to Wollongong or Newcastle,” his mother admitted. Real estate agents say the family’s home will likely be bulldozed and replaced by six luxury townhouses by the time the teenager finishes uni.
September 14, 2025 at 8:08 AM