New bit I'm working on: Siegfried and Roy Cohn

Taking off my wedding ring as I enter the buffet

If you need me, I'll be practicing slash and burn agriculture at my community garden plot

Currently sneaking food into the movie theater by coiling an incredibly long noodle around my body that protrudes slightly from my cuff

When you're a small account, posting into the void at no one is the equivalent of throwing a bit of change into the empty guitar case before busking.

Had a realization in the kitchen goods store that so many women are going to get their significant other a cocktail shaker this holiday season and proceed to be served the worst cocktail they have ever had in their lives.

This song was directly responsible for teaching thousands of insufferable teenagers, myself among them at the time, what microfiche was.

The Civil War ruled because it was a period of time where tens of thousands of the best-named men in the country were gathered in one places before dying or scattering back across the country. We'll never achieve this level of weirdly named dude density again

Me seeing The Mask at the gym: Is that guy the Mask?
The Mask at the gym: SOMEBODY SPOT ME