Want to feel old? Scrooge McDuck died 25 years ago today.

I’m a PK (preacher’s kid), and we are not popular. We don’t have friends, we have siblings.

To make it big in show business you need a little bit of talent, a whole lot of luck, and a disproportionately large head.

Commercials for local towns are unintentionally hilarious. “Welcome to the valley of the gods. It’s where Jesus vacations. It’s like heaven wrapped in a marshmallow.” And I’m like, are we talking about the same Trenton, NJ?

Even if you’re old, you can still do all the things you used to do when you were young. It’s just now it requires a cold compress and a nap afterwards.

My favorite line in every court room drama: “Overruled…for NOW.”

A crystal is not deodorant. It’s decoration.

You know that character that’s only in a movie for about 90 seconds and has 1 line? That person graduated from Juilliard and has been acting professionally for 30 years.

Them: Which app did you use to meet your wife?
Me: TGI Fridays jalapeño poppers.

Parenting ages you. Before kids, you’re vibrant. After kids, you look like you’re quiet quitting life.

Look, I’m happy for EVERYONE’S success…as long as they’re not younger than me.

Remember, it’s a successful 4th of July if you leave the day with all the fingers you started it with! 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸