EMPLOYEES. OVER THE NEXT 6 MONTHS, WE ARE CONDUCTING AN EXCITING AND INNOVATIVE STUDY ON HOW MANDATORY 6-DAY, 60-HOUR WEEKS IMPACT COMPANY EARNINGS. ALL TIME-OFF REQUESTS FOR THIS PERIOD OF TIME ARE HEREBY CANCELLED SO THAT WE CAN GATHER DATA WITHOUT INTERFERENCE FROM YOUR PERSONAL LIVES.

EMPLOYEES. TO CELEBRATE THE LAUNCH OF OUR NEW EMPLOYEE ENGAGEMENT MONITORING SYSTEM, PINKERTON.AI, WE WILL BE SENDING EACH OF YOU A VEGAN LEATHER-BOUND COPY OF OUR CEO'S NEW BOOK, "ACTUALLY, YOU'RE BAD FOR NOTICING: WHY KLEPTOCRACY IS GOOD", IN PLACE OF RAISES THIS YEAR.

EMPLOYEES, WE WILL NOW BE MEASURING THREE EXCITING NEW KPIS TO DETERMINE INDIVIDUAL ENGAGEMENT: LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE.

LIVE FOR THE BOTTOM LINE.
LAUGH IN THE FACE OF MORE LAYOFFS.
LOVE YOUR LEADERSHIP.

EMPLOYEES MUST NEVER INTERFERE WITH THE ANKLE, WRIST, OR NECK COLLARS WHICH SEND US LOCATION AND BIOMETRIC DATA IN REAL-TIME. AS PER OUR LAST ANNOUNCEMENT, WE MUST TRACK EMPLOYEE PRODUCTIVITY AND FOCUS DURING WORK HOURS TO ENSURE EVERYONE IS OUT-EARNING THE MARKET VALUE OF THEIR HOURLY RATE

EMPLOYEES. PAID TIME OFF IS SUBJECT TO APPROVAL FROM A SUPERVISOR. PLEASE STOP WRITING “N/A”, “PRIVATE”, OR “NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS” THIS IS A BUSINESS SO IT IS OUR BUSINESS WHY YOU AREN’T WORKING. WE’RE ALSO A FAMILY AND YOU DON’T HIDE THINGS FROM FAMILY.

EMPLOYEES. MANY OF YOU HAVE VOICED CONCERN ABOUT THE LACK OF BUDGET FOR PAY INCREASES. THIS IS ACTUALLY HARDER ON US THAN IT IS ON YOU. YOU’RE MAKING US FEEL BAD ABOUT SPENDING THE ORIGINAL BUDGET ON GIVING OURSELVES BONUSES FOR BEING BRAVE ENOUGH TO WITHHOLD YOUR PAY RAISES.

HELLO. I WOULD LIKE TO THANK OUR EMPLOYEES FOR COOPERATING WITH THE MANDATORY BLUESKY KEY SURRENDER. LET THE MOTIVATIONAL POSTING BEGIN.

D. CROAKWELL
CHIEF OF PEOPLE OPS