I got told that I should improve my house by colour coordinating areas better. So it took a day or two but I just got my piss the perfect shade of yellow to match the lemon flavoured toilet cleaner hanging from the bowl.

Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb, but can we categorically prove he didn't invent putting a light bulb up your ass?

People get fined for urinating in public and people also pay money for others to urinate on them. I say we just cut out the middle man and have both parties meet so everyone is satisfied and we can all save some money in these tough economic times.

They say "curiosity killed the cat", but after eating a bowl of Purina cat food myself i'm beginning to suspect those fucks at Nestle need to be brought in for questioning.

First two sets of trading cards sorted and ready to go into the binder.
First the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles animated series from 1989 and then the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie from 1990

"Don't be a goofy goober!" the mascot cried as I slid its head between my thighs, preparing to crush it's skull by delivering a piledriver on the restaurant counter.

All I wanted was a hamburger, and yet the ghosts of my past continue to chase me even here.

It wasn't until 1963 when a bees dick became an official unit of measurement that the ordinary wasp became so extremely aggressive, furious that it's own appendages would never be used to measure out the distance in the 1964 Olympic long jump competition.

After having diarrhea so many times from eating at the fast food place I've developed a new burger name and slogan for them.

"Prepare for ass-blasting madness with the Ass Blaster Burger!"

I recently got in trouble for stealing bedpans from the local hospital. I was looking for a mold to make a Golden Girls themed birthday cake.

What the fuck Duolingo.

Remember me? I'm back! In human form! I asked to be brought back in pog form, but that genie screwed me over.

RIP David Lynch.