ShaunEli
@brainchampagne.bsky.social
Stand-up Comedian and Chief Chocolate Officer of The Ivy League of Comedy
December 21, 2025 at 9:00 PM
December 18, 2025 at 7:13 PM
Cousin: Come over for #brunch. Do you have any #dietaryrestrictions?
Me: Yes. I don't eat bad #bagels and certainly not pre-packaged ones from the grocery store.
Me: Yes. I don't eat bad #bagels and certainly not pre-packaged ones from the grocery store.
December 18, 2025 at 3:08 PM
Cousin: Come over for #brunch. Do you have any #dietaryrestrictions?
Me: Yes. I don't eat bad #bagels and certainly not pre-packaged ones from the grocery store.
Me: Yes. I don't eat bad #bagels and certainly not pre-packaged ones from the grocery store.
#cops #trafficstop #trafficstophumor #police #policeofficer #policeofficersbelike #english #language #englishlanguage
December 6, 2025 at 7:47 PM
I bought a 4D printer, printed myself back in time before there were even printers, and now I seem to have disappeared.
November 30, 2025 at 3:59 PM
I bought a 4D printer, printed myself back in time before there were even printers, and now I seem to have disappeared.
President #Trump wants the new DC #football stadium named after him.
Felon Stadium has a nice ring to it, don't you think? #WashingtonCommanders
Felon Stadium has a nice ring to it, don't you think? #WashingtonCommanders
November 9, 2025 at 8:31 PM
President #Trump wants the new DC #football stadium named after him.
Felon Stadium has a nice ring to it, don't you think? #WashingtonCommanders
Felon Stadium has a nice ring to it, don't you think? #WashingtonCommanders
I just want to live long enough to read my own obituary.
November 7, 2025 at 4:03 PM
I just want to live long enough to read my own obituary.
If someone eggs your house this year, you'll know who it was. It was the rich kid.
#eggs #halloween2025 #Halloween
#eggs #halloween2025 #Halloween
October 31, 2025 at 1:50 PM
If someone eggs your house this year, you'll know who it was. It was the rich kid.
#eggs #halloween2025 #Halloween
#eggs #halloween2025 #Halloween
I stay in shape. I used to row, but now I run, because the guy who owns the boat I've been using found out and he's been chasing me.
October 19, 2025 at 3:34 PM
I stay in shape. I used to row, but now I run, because the guy who owns the boat I've been using found out and he's been chasing me.
Police in California arrested a man for possession of $6000 in stolen #Legos. They want to sentence him to ten years of stepping on Legos barefoot in the middle of the night.
October 18, 2025 at 4:05 PM
Police in California arrested a man for possession of $6000 in stolen #Legos. They want to sentence him to ten years of stepping on Legos barefoot in the middle of the night.
#GeorgeSantos is out of jail and say he's looking forward to returning to his job teaching constitutional law at Yale.
October 18, 2025 at 2:45 PM
#GeorgeSantos is out of jail and say he's looking forward to returning to his job teaching constitutional law at Yale.
My latest letter in the NY Times (scroll down- as usual it's the last one)
www.nytimes.com/2025/10/06/o...
www.nytimes.com/2025/10/06/o...
Opinion | Pushback at Trump and Troops in Portland
www.nytimes.com
October 6, 2025 at 6:37 PM
My latest letter in the NY Times (scroll down- as usual it's the last one)
www.nytimes.com/2025/10/06/o...
www.nytimes.com/2025/10/06/o...
Officer: Have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Officer: I need you to step out of the car. Now stand on one foot for thirty seconds.
Me: Do I get to choose which foot?
Officer: Whichever foot you want.
Me: Okay, I choose to stand on your right foot.
Me: No.
Officer: I need you to step out of the car. Now stand on one foot for thirty seconds.
Me: Do I get to choose which foot?
Officer: Whichever foot you want.
Me: Okay, I choose to stand on your right foot.
October 6, 2025 at 4:43 AM
Officer: Have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Officer: I need you to step out of the car. Now stand on one foot for thirty seconds.
Me: Do I get to choose which foot?
Officer: Whichever foot you want.
Me: Okay, I choose to stand on your right foot.
Me: No.
Officer: I need you to step out of the car. Now stand on one foot for thirty seconds.
Me: Do I get to choose which foot?
Officer: Whichever foot you want.
Me: Okay, I choose to stand on your right foot.
My fortune cookie said "Your kindness will be a source of light in the world."
Nice, right?
"Will be?"
I'm over fifty, you dicks. How about "Is a source..."
Nice, right?
"Will be?"
I'm over fifty, you dicks. How about "Is a source..."
October 5, 2025 at 8:24 PM
My fortune cookie said "Your kindness will be a source of light in the world."
Nice, right?
"Will be?"
I'm over fifty, you dicks. How about "Is a source..."
Nice, right?
"Will be?"
I'm over fifty, you dicks. How about "Is a source..."
I got this email from a client:
Hi Shaun,
Please see the attached cataract and sign and return.
I wrote back that I'll get to it but that their auto-correct needs eye surgery.
Hi Shaun,
Please see the attached cataract and sign and return.
I wrote back that I'll get to it but that their auto-correct needs eye surgery.
October 3, 2025 at 7:26 PM
I got this email from a client:
Hi Shaun,
Please see the attached cataract and sign and return.
I wrote back that I'll get to it but that their auto-correct needs eye surgery.
Hi Shaun,
Please see the attached cataract and sign and return.
I wrote back that I'll get to it but that their auto-correct needs eye surgery.
I called my local police department and asked:
"Do you still take drugs?"
Then I rephrased the question:
"Does the police department still take unwanted pharmaceuticals for destruction?"
But I like the first version of the question better.
"Do you still take drugs?"
Then I rephrased the question:
"Does the police department still take unwanted pharmaceuticals for destruction?"
But I like the first version of the question better.
October 1, 2025 at 5:02 PM
I called my local police department and asked:
"Do you still take drugs?"
Then I rephrased the question:
"Does the police department still take unwanted pharmaceuticals for destruction?"
But I like the first version of the question better.
"Do you still take drugs?"
Then I rephrased the question:
"Does the police department still take unwanted pharmaceuticals for destruction?"
But I like the first version of the question better.