The Borowitz Report
@borowitzreport.bsky.social
Home of Truth
Free newsletter subscription: BorowitzReport.com
Free newsletter subscription: BorowitzReport.com
Scientists Struggle to Find Purpose of Chuck Schumer
November 10, 2025 at 2:29 PM
Scientists Struggle to Find Purpose of Chuck Schumer
It’s unfair that Trump gets to sleep through his presidency and the rest of us have to be awake for it
November 9, 2025 at 3:40 AM
It’s unfair that Trump gets to sleep through his presidency and the rest of us have to be awake for it
Upon reflection, electing a president who has nothing to lose because he’s been granted immunity and is at death’s door seems like not a great idea
November 8, 2025 at 3:14 PM
Upon reflection, electing a president who has nothing to lose because he’s been granted immunity and is at death’s door seems like not a great idea
In Buenos Aires, Trump was greeted by an angry anti-immigrant mob.
Trump Flees to Argentina
"I can see where this is going," he said.
www.borowitzreport.com
November 6, 2025 at 1:15 AM
In Buenos Aires, Trump was greeted by an angry anti-immigrant mob.
To those experts who said a Democratic socialist could never be elected mayor of NYC, a reminder that one was elected president of the USA four times
November 5, 2025 at 7:18 PM
To those experts who said a Democratic socialist could never be elected mayor of NYC, a reminder that one was elected president of the USA four times
Cuomo Says He Will Devote Rest of Life to Sexually Harassing People in the Private Sector
November 5, 2025 at 5:17 PM
Cuomo Says He Will Devote Rest of Life to Sexually Harassing People in the Private Sector
Trump Denies Appearing on 60 Minutes
November 5, 2025 at 5:15 PM
Trump Denies Appearing on 60 Minutes
Palantir stock plunged 8 percent today. This is a cause for celebration since one of its major investors is Stephen Miller.
November 5, 2025 at 12:26 AM
Palantir stock plunged 8 percent today. This is a cause for celebration since one of its major investors is Stephen Miller.
I always vote for the candidate billionaires hate.
November 4, 2025 at 7:25 PM
I always vote for the candidate billionaires hate.
I investigate.
How “Hardcore” is Pee-Wee German?
I investigate.
www.borowitzreport.com
November 4, 2025 at 2:42 PM
I investigate.
As long as we’re renovating the White House, let’s turn the Oval Office into a food pantry for people who have lost their SNAP benefits.
November 4, 2025 at 1:32 PM
As long as we’re renovating the White House, let’s turn the Oval Office into a food pantry for people who have lost their SNAP benefits.
Trump has failed yet another cognitive test by saying he's better looking than Zohran Mamdani
November 3, 2025 at 11:30 PM
Trump has failed yet another cognitive test by saying he's better looking than Zohran Mamdani
“He had a good run,” said Trump.
Navy Accidentally Strikes Superyacht Carrying Clarence Thomas Near Venezuela
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth called the sinking of the luxury vessel “an honest mistake.”
www.borowitzreport.com
November 3, 2025 at 1:28 PM
“He had a good run,” said Trump.
Congrats to RFK Jr.'s neighbor, who trolled him with this festive Halloween decoration on her front lawn.
November 3, 2025 at 12:02 AM
Congrats to RFK Jr.'s neighbor, who trolled him with this festive Halloween decoration on her front lawn.
Kash Patel used a government jet to travel to see his girlfriend perform at an event. The most shocking aspect of this story is that Kash Patel has a girlfriend
November 2, 2025 at 6:28 PM
Kash Patel used a government jet to travel to see his girlfriend perform at an event. The most shocking aspect of this story is that Kash Patel has a girlfriend
Trump just held a Gatsby-themed party at Mar-a-Lago, which proves a) he doesn’t give a shit about the millions of Americans starving without food stamps and b) no one has told him how The Great Gataby ends
November 2, 2025 at 12:10 PM
Trump just held a Gatsby-themed party at Mar-a-Lago, which proves a) he doesn’t give a shit about the millions of Americans starving without food stamps and b) no one has told him how The Great Gataby ends
Usha Vance Reveals That Her Marriage Has Made Her Consider Converting to Atheism
November 1, 2025 at 8:09 PM
Usha Vance Reveals That Her Marriage Has Made Her Consider Converting to Atheism
People are asking why Charlie Kirk’s widow would hug JD Vance like this. I’m asking a similar question, only substituting “Charlie Kirk’s widow” with “any woman in the world”
November 1, 2025 at 6:57 PM
People are asking why Charlie Kirk’s widow would hug JD Vance like this. I’m asking a similar question, only substituting “Charlie Kirk’s widow” with “any woman in the world”
Trump Accuses Judges in Food Stamps Ruling of Being Biased Against Starvation
November 1, 2025 at 12:48 AM
Trump Accuses Judges in Food Stamps Ruling of Being Biased Against Starvation
I hope that Usha Vance will someday convert to marrying someone other than this dickhead
November 1, 2025 at 12:29 AM
I hope that Usha Vance will someday convert to marrying someone other than this dickhead
Are you with me on this
October 31, 2025 at 6:31 PM
Are you with me on this
“We have a racist shortage in this country like you wouldn’t believe,” Trump told reporters. “When I was putting together my Cabinet, there were barely enough racists to fill all the positions.”
Trump Says White Refugees from South Africa Will Alleviate US’s Severe Shortage of Racists
“When I was putting together my Cabinet, there were barely enough racists to fill all the positions," he said.
www.borowitzreport.com
October 31, 2025 at 12:52 PM
“We have a racist shortage in this country like you wouldn’t believe,” Trump told reporters. “When I was putting together my Cabinet, there were barely enough racists to fill all the positions.”
BREAKING: Going forward he will be called The Rapist Formerly Known as Prince Andrew
Prince Andrew Announces He Will Move to America Where Government Protects Pedophiles
“If you’re a pedophile, Washington is a sanctuary city.”
www.borowitzreport.com
October 31, 2025 at 12:38 PM
BREAKING: Going forward he will be called The Rapist Formerly Known as Prince Andrew