The Western™ Athletics and Student Experience leaders implemented a series of cuts and strategic investments in response to the budget shortfalls announced recently by President Tim Cabaloney. “We …

Recently, the Kentucky General Assembly passed a law mandating that university faculty be evaluated for “productivity” and fired if they are unproductive. To comply, The Western™ consulted with Elo…

The Department of Education has informed The Western™ that it must abandon its strategic plan, “Climbing to Greater Heights,” because it sounds too much like the title of a Black spiritual and scar…

Lewis Mertz, a 16 year-old freshman at the Gatton Academy of Science, Wizardry, and Enduring Virginity mistakenly let loose upon the world a new software program, “CAT-GPT,” which immediately began…

Earlier this month, the Kentucky Music Educators Association named President Carboni the Music Administrator of the Year. The group cited Carboni’s “notable creative genius” in financing the Marchi…

Faculty across The Western™ received stern emails and angry shin-kicks this week from university attorney Anita Subpoena that ordered them to scrub any departmental web pages deemed questionable by…

“Good evening, my fellow Hilltoppers. I have decided to take over the WOKE film major here at The Western™ WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT! For far too long, liberal instructors in the School of FAILING Medi…

The Western™ recently added the hilarious and loveable Peppy the Frog® to its branding stable. “It’s important that our symbols and brands reflect the spirit and values of our institution and its f…

The Western’s™ Student Lover-Mint Ass-Ocean Nation has revealed that they are now legally subject to all federal executive orders issued by the President of the United States. “Golly gosh,” declare…

In a 3am news release from Truth Social, the White House announced the following name changes to American landmarks. Henceforth on Google Maps, Mar a Lago shall be known as “Surf n’ Turf,” the Rock…