‘Sir, can you put your trousers back on, this is Specsavers?!’

It can take over two weeks to drive across Newton abbot and there are 3 different time zones, all of them in the 1970’s

I’m a builder, back in the mid ‘90’s we were working for a wealthy well to do couple, out of the blue my workmate says ‘if you woke up one morning and your missus had a cock, would you suck it ?!’ Just as the lady owner walked around the corner. She said ‘what a dilemma, would you like a cup of tea?

It snapped my house while my work mate Steve was shagging my wife while I was at work, I know this cause his car was outside and he was supposed to be labouring for me, but at least he took the bin in, cause my wife never does

I saw a hearse trying to turn around in cul-de-sac, I said ‘That’s a dead end mate!’ The driver laughed, all the followers laughed, all the street come out of their houses and laughed, then everyone clapped, including the bloke in the coffin.

On your dog walk you give them a few Pointers

My mate lost his arm in a farming accident, when he was 5, a few years ago he got into a fight, he swung at the bloke with his stump and the bloke ducked, the whole pub erupted laughing, they ended shaking hands, obviously with his good arm, not his stump.

My see through toaster emporium sold exactly what it said, but we would still get people in asking for a normal toaster, I’d tell my staff to tell them to fuck off to Argos.

For a lot of working class kids equestrian is the only way out of the ghetto

Yeah, don’t mention the name of the plant to save lives, keep it vague and non- specific

As a bricklayer and builder, I wouldn’t buy a new build as long as I’ve got a hole in my arse.

I mean, you could suggest he’d look better with his hair shaved and mention his bad breath, but I think he’s better off leaving you, you sound horrible.

If she finds out, you’ll up by yourself and that will be cannelloni