My approach has always been to live off the money I made from doing stand up, and not touch a dime of the money that Jay Leno made from doing the “Tonight Show”.

“Hi, I’m Amir Gollan, and I’m a comic. Actually I’m a comicohlic.” Group responds “Hi Amir”.
It’s been two days, six hours, and 42 minutes since I told my last joke (if you don’t count this one). I’m trying to quit joking. One joke at a time…

As a comedian I prefer to do all my crowd work after the show. By email.

After 20 years my wife and I are finally empty-nesters. That’s how long it took us to get those Jehovah’s Witnesses out of our living room.

I told my doctor I didn’t want an X-ray… so he just gave me a pat-down.

I built a ship in a bottle and then christened it by smashing another ship in a bottle over it.

I was in a planetarium and it accidentally got hit from the outside by one of those wrecking balls. We just thought it was the Big Bang.

I took a gap year after high-school, and repeated my senior year.

Got a ticket for playing tennis against a mural of a tennis wall.

Growing up my parents ran a funeral home. So on Halloween we always won “best haunted house”. Blue ribbon every year.

Noticed an attractive woman at a hardware store. So I bought her a screwdriver.