i just need peace in my head tho. i don’t get that at all…

at the moment the best i can do to exist right now is try and keep a constant flow of distractions, so that i don’t have time to even think about how unhappy i am, and how my life is just screaming chaos in my head. i saw a good post about how we don’t want death, we want peace. i get that.

my job lately has just been a lot. fortunately, i work two days and then nothing until dec 1st. maybe the longest time I’ve taken off in years.

i don’t want to break up. i want him, i want him to want me. so frustrating, but i realize if anything ends us. it will be this. i’m stunned that I’m actually articulating that.

i don’t understand, but i honestly think he just doesn’t want to have sex with me at all. i don’t THINK there is anything wrong with me, and he says he loves me and our non-sexual relationship is fine. but this issue tho… it’s still bad, even after we discussed it all.

and then it moves onto another awkwardly acted scripted scene… nothing against the show, but i’m kind of watching it to judge it (not too harshly) … it is pretty funny tho. it’s all the awkward scripted scenes of porn and none of the enjoyable parts.

he’s a dork too… and it’s strange but… i’m actually cool with it. i honestly don’t understand tho. i would have never slept with someone my current age who was his. it’s pretty hot and a nice way to waste some time.

so i gave up. when we met, so i just had sex with him… he’s got this perfect, ridiculously hard cock, that literally hits absolutely perfectly in my ass. he really seems to enjoy that he can make me cum just by fucking my ass… and he loads me up almost immediately after i cum.

id think he wouldn’t return after the dumpster fire got elected but he came back. when we spoke i tried to tell him that it was t safe for non-white folks, especially queer, and he literally didn’t find the situation remotely concerning.