jigsaw: you've just ingested a lethal poison. 1 of the 3 syringes before you contains the antidote, the other two contain sulfuric acid

me, a gamer: ah so when you said you want to play a "game," you really meant a "glorified slot machine," because using rng as a core mechanic fundamentally undermi

What candle do I get to make my house smell like a petsmart

Local hero removes belt from jeans before putting them in the washing machine

Zombie fiction is, at its core, about the fear of seeing your own body age and decay. Ghost stories are about the impossibility of grappling with the past. Vampires are about what if you got so horny you died

a group of paleontologists have unearthed six minutes of fresh airplane comedy hitherto unheard by human ears

looking for a dance move that doesn't involve moving too much, standing up or being seen

She trembled with fear as her husband's flesh began to warp like melting candlewax.
Layers of skin fell from his growing frame, revealing a hidden coat of bright orange fur, matted with discharge.

"What have you become?"

The creature turned to her, removing its sunglasses.

"Dangerously cheesy"

She lay motionless in my arms, her eyes focused intently on the icy face of death hanging over my shoulder.
As the color drained from her paling lips, she pulled me close and uttered her final words; at once an explanation and a hopeless call for vengeance.

"The butt gnomes got me."

As I lay unsleeping in my bedchamber, a stirring in the unlit corners of the room betrayed their presence.
Darkness closed in on my mind, a tightening vignette of madness drawing me further into despair. The spoon goblins had returned

have you checked out the vampire buffet
it's like a normal buffet but there are some vampires chilling in the rafters and they swoop down to feast on the blood of the diners
really great food prices though, considering the overheads

Nosferawk tuah

one day I'll come to terms with the knowledge that I never put in the hours and effort and that's why I couldn't Heelie good like my cousin Sam

ME: dont use plastic because earth is dying

EARTH: nah im fine dude its just a fever lol

ME (a scorched skeleton): lol

Breaking: pooping while wearing backpack easier than initially expected

have you ever fucked up an email so bad that you had to delete the whole thing and start over from scratch

Raising my daughter to be a robot by never introducing her to the concept of onions