Since child hood I never felt connection to religion, people, I didn't idolize Heroes or artists, or their creations. Nature was the one thing that was truly there, and even yet, most days I'll stare into it with complete ambivalence, only sometimes feeling a spark of its grand scale.

When I feel an emotion, its just that, and I have to figure out why afterwards. I speak no language in my head, I had to translate each thought.

I live my life like looking into deep water, the image gets darker and more desaturated as you go down, never able to see anything as a full picture. I want to go deeper where the creatures and life is, but I can only see so far, and for as long as I have air, before returning to floating on top.

I say I am dyslexic, but I just have dyslexic like symptoms that have been getting worse since I was fourteen. I used to be good with words that people would constantly say I should be a public speaker, I knew the meaning of words, now it's like I have none. I can't formulate a thought any more

Its like every day I am living just to justify to myself (impermanent) and others (permanent) why I am even alive. It was like this for me as a kid too, but atleast I was not without my imagination. I'd sit in fairy circles and imagine whole new worlds.

I constantly introspect so I feel like I am atleast experiencing the world around me, but its like I am looking in third person, watching a useless vessel drift through the world bump into things, to then come up with a reason, why I do anything thing at all.

Now I coast through the word, only able to react to what I see, feeling like a chess computer forced to only see one step ahead of me, as longing fills the rest of my being.
I don't feel alone cause no one was like me, I feel alone cause I have nothing to say.

I got to sixteen, barely able to scramble these thoughts and ideas together, but it was fading fast, I got to run one dnd game, of which never got to end, I ran out of will. I ran out of imagination

I want to say it changed when I was sixteen, I was still depressed and was in a constant state of identity crisis, I felt alone at all times. But atleast I had my imagination, I had some level of imagination.

I lack the ability to talk, loving myself, ideas. When people ask me a question I feel like a joyless creature, either I have no ideas or I tell them what I dislike, which can always change making me feel impermanence.

Worst part is that it feels like I am missing out on life and enjoyment with all these wonderful people, just cause my brain is cooked half the time unless I am in a delirium of happy, which feels shallow lol