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whisperpills.bsky.social
Pillows
@whisperpills.bsky.social
51 followers 49 following 100 posts
Most my art is @pillowdemon.bsky.social this is mostly my other venty stuff, and for a controlled feed of other/important content to me
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whisperpills.bsky.social
I wanted to do art in this but I wont
Unrequited panic as the sensation of jealousy in my sense of failure as a person pushes through my sense of self. The demand and desire of attention, to confirm and consolidate all sensation I wish to demand, to let my sheer personality impose, fails repeatedly. I feel shame, a overwhelming disappointment in myself for feeling this, a guilt that hopefully is not shown through my behaviours, but is likely suspect as I don't believe I am as illusive in my shame as I think I appear. Its humiliating but I take solace in my genuine interest and care. I can feel "jealousy" while also being honest and curious, I hope that what will show more clearly through my mask is is that's genuine aspect of interest. At moments I feel content with this, others, the mass of dread of what I think I am missing, and the truth to the matter that I really could not match that, other wise, id have it. I want to scream and beg, to cry for a reason why, why cant it be me, though I know the answer would only harm me and everyone around me. I feel a constant pressure of self containment which I am failing at at every moment. The most ironic part is even if things went well, I am still the same broken person, and I'll lead on to the next obsession. The pattern is hard to break when I make it such a big deal, its like I've staked my life on it, it's fucking embarrassing.
November 11, 2025 at 3:07 AM
whisperpills.bsky.social
Sometimes I think I should leave, like it would be better for me and for everyone. But I never do.
November 3, 2025 at 4:55 PM
whisperpills.bsky.social
Nature is one of the things I feel utmost connection too, yet I do nothing to stay in it, maybe i am afraid I'll lose connection to it as the yearning for its presence disappears, and it will become a thing I blankly stare into like a empty canvas
November 3, 2025 at 4:44 PM
whisperpills.bsky.social
November 2, 2025 at 1:27 AM
whisperpills.bsky.social
Panic attacks until crying hollow on the floor knowing that if I ask for help, I'll put on the mask again, it'll just go flat, I'll fake it till I make before I break it again. I can't be helped, I can't ask for help, I'll mask again. If I am helped without asked, I mask again until it slips and my hollow fake existence is exposed again. I am an addict, hollow fuck with nothing good to say. Talk to a mirror, atleast you get something out it it instead of investing your time in nothing There's nothing here for you, but I wish you well.
October 30, 2025 at 10:45 PM
whisperpills.bsky.social
I miss her
October 27, 2025 at 12:00 PM
whisperpills.bsky.social
Down again, good feelings, down again. Lost the 50/50 and now I am back in the misery
October 19, 2025 at 8:55 AM
whisperpills.bsky.social
October 13, 2025 at 11:21 PM
whisperpills.bsky.social
Fumble
October 13, 2025 at 11:00 PM
whisperpills.bsky.social
Crumble
October 13, 2025 at 10:24 PM
whisperpills.bsky.social
September 20, 2025 at 1:23 PM
whisperpills.bsky.social
September 20, 2025 at 1:23 PM
whisperpills.bsky.social
Failure, falling, ive lost a will in the discovery that what motivates me is from within, and i am too weak to keep it. I wish i could have it in me, and not have to trick myself into being a human. I have nothing to share, nothing in my head, i am making myself a husk. Is it to be forgotten
September 8, 2025 at 4:41 AM
whisperpills.bsky.social
Its less on if ill give up, but when
August 24, 2025 at 4:29 PM
whisperpills.bsky.social
Brains at that point again, but now i dont even have distractions or problems, procrastinations in relation. No excuses for my misery i am in except for the obvious.
I say sad things with a smile in hopes people dont worry i will do something drastic, cause i wont, but its hard to be that way, on them and myself.
August 21, 2025 at 4:10 AM
whisperpills.bsky.social
Could really be anyone. I see what i want to be, i feel how i want to feel. And the moment it slips, the mania ends. I loose it all again. It does not matter who. It does not matter when. It all ends. And when i can hear myself again, i want to die. I use inaction to prevent myself from making myself emotional. Its safe. How could i do it again, how could i think it would be different, and why do i have to full fill it. I need action to prove myself wrong, but the only action i have in me is tieing up the end. I am young, know no one, know not even myself. I become manically interested and the moment its revealed it comes from within, the reality breaks, and the cycle of depression starts. Thinking about ending things again, i wont, i cant, but its the back to the regular programming, drifting until it flips, or an accident knocks me out of my cycle, or takes my life and i can finally be forgotten. I want to be forgotten. I dont want to be forgotten. I want to be forgotten.
August 19, 2025 at 7:18 PM
whisperpills.bsky.social
Lonely~Wanting to be alone
Both
Both
A flow
An ocean
August 5, 2025 at 8:48 AM
whisperpills.bsky.social
I want it (me) to stop
You (me) to stop
It has to stop (since i can remember)
August 5, 2025 at 8:27 AM
whisperpills.bsky.social
How to stop
I need to stop, i need to stop, its the same problem again and again, im sick of it, i hate it, once i feel it goes away it rears its ugly head. I want to be loved, i want to be cared for, i want to know someone cares about what i do, i want someone to like what i do, i want to share a space, to have someone to visit, i need space, my self. Why do i want it so much, i dont even know what i like, i dont know them, stop it, i fucking hate it, i cant keep coming back here, time and again, with the same people, with new people, repeating the same thing. I cant any more, just give it up, move fucking on. You torment yourself again and again, and when it gets granted, you torture yourself anew. You say you dont want things, so say you want things, what does it matter when you never live You get into a relationship, and then you fucking die You are not in a relationship, and you fucking die You need to stop, you are good for no one. Not good for dating, not good for a friend. Fucking stop it. As long as you live this way, you will never know yourself, you will never find what makes you happy. Youll never get what you want. Do i think wallowing will help me? Will change anything? That it will some how change how people will work? Why cant it be simple, to live with those i feel free around, safe around, inspired by, everything from sex, to hearing people in the house while i sit by myself in the yard, knowing i have a group close, for anything, and for nothing. Its too much to ask for, simce i am the greatest problem in this. It all comes back to me I dont think i desire a date, i think thats why i dont work romantically. I want a family, not in the regular sense Please stop People are not like that Please stop Theres no one like this, a group, and what, with you at the center. You think it would work that way. You think you wouldnt be left behind, as its not peoples job to care about you. Family forces them to care, what, you want to force people now? Please stop
August 5, 2025 at 8:21 AM
whisperpills.bsky.social
August 4, 2025 at 2:51 PM
whisperpills.bsky.social
Multitudes
Shame, Guilt, Numbness, anger. Retrospection of betrayal, pains and confusion, emotions all at once, and a perceived normalcy. It hurts not knowing what is real within the past, when its so full of repression, and guided dissolution. How much of it was me actively ignoring the red flags, how much was it me just wanting to feel wanted, how much was it not even my choice, how much was calculated, or just some sad attempt to helping with ulterior motives or actively trying to destabilize me. Did they capitalize of my unstable behaviour, did they know they almost enfluenced my death in many ways. How much was it just me.
July 28, 2025 at 5:53 PM
whisperpills.bsky.social
Spinning spinning spinning spinning, never letting go for fear of missing something, and yet its holding on is making me dizzier by the minute. I want to have a cohesive thought, a reason for every thing, i make them, i feign them, i beg for truths, confirmations to give me stability in theory, yet another question always remains after, a puzzle with no end. The spin. At this point am i holding onto anything, am i clutching to dear life as i revolve around, or am i in the middle watching as the world revolve around me. I struggle with letting go, so i hide, i hide from everything so i dont have to let go. Every moment in life something has to be let go, i never want to. In nature it is everything and nothing, its endless ending and beginning. Within nature i am free and trapped, i can be like anyone, with no one to be. These photos capture what i felt when i saw it, but not what nature is. The photos are unremarkable, but just like nature with its two sides, are remarkable to me. And one day i captured this, and another day the photo will be gone and i will forget. A state of being and non existence.
June 24, 2025 at 4:16 AM
whisperpills.bsky.social
June 21, 2025 at 2:43 PM
whisperpills.bsky.social
Nothing interesting to say
Ive bored myself, locked down. Truly nothing to say to my friends, theres nothing to talk about, i have nothing, no interests, no quirks. I am house plant that occasionally grows a flower and not even a remarkable one at that, excitement at first until a new interest pulls there mind, and the saddest part, is that is that its fine, its fine for them to get bored of how like, YOU CAN ONLY TALK TO A FUCKING PLANT FOR SO LONG. Im bored of me, and each sad attempt i watch myself try and every sad attempt at me trying to rope someone into me, so they HAVE to be interested in me is shameful. Nothing to say Does nothing No interests What can i expect, ive spent my whole life observing and never building a personality.
June 21, 2025 at 1:17 PM
whisperpills.bsky.social
June 14, 2025 at 4:29 AM