I am announcing that Qyburn will serve as The Master of Whisperers. He is responsible for creating champions that won’t rest until enemies are dead and evil has been driven from the realm. He will ensure that villains confess their treason and strike down those who would harm your Favorite King.

I am thrilled to announce Moon Boy as The Archmaester. The people have been crushed by the industrial Citadel complex that promotes potions instead of natural healing. Moon Boy is skilled in the lost arts of acrobatics, walking on stilts and juggling! He will make Westeros Great and Healthy again!

The Blue Bard is a major loser who was arrested by The Crown for his insane claims that my beautiful Wife and Queen has shared her bed with many lovers. He now resides in the Black Cells where he is to be treated gently despite his false confessions. Lord Qyburn will ensure his safety.

I am honored to announce Ser Osney Kettleblack has been nominated to serve as a Military advisor. Ser Osney has spent his entire life as a Warrior for Westeros. He is tough, smart and has a bold tongue. He has served my sweet Mother well and with him at the helm, The Crown’s enemies are on notice.

It is my Great Honor to announce that Ser Boros Blount will be appointed as The Master of Laws. Few issues in Westeros are more important than ending open rebellion. He will play a key role in defeating the The Grand Northern Conspiracy and ensuring that Houses Bolton and Frey will be RESPECTED.

I am pleased to announce that the Great Petyr Baelish, will be named the Master of Coin, our lead Chief financial advisor and Treasurer. Lord Baelish has stated that "This will send shockwaves through the kingdom, and anyone involved in emptying King Joffrey’s treasury, which is a lot of people!"

I am pleased to announce that the Former Commander of the City Watch, Janos Slynt, will be appointed as the Lord Commander of The Night’s Watch. They say Jon Snow was elected for the position but it was fraudulent. We will not let deep state members in the Watch rig it for the Bastard of Winterfell!

Any Lords seeking the coveted LEADERSHIP on the Small Council must agree to abide by the King’s commands without input or debate. Additionally, no Kingsguard should be approved during this period until all leal lords agree to this matter. SUGGESTIONS ARE NOT ACCEPTABLE. SAY THANK YOU!

No King has done more for the SMALLFOLK of the Riverlands than Joffrey Baratheon. In fact, it’s not even close! My honorable and valiant knight, Ser Gregor Clegane, is providing protection while stationed at Harrenhal. I LOVE THE RIVERLANDS, AND THEY LOVE ME.

Westeros is among the only countries in the world that says even if neither parent is born here their future children are Westerosi the moment the parents trespass onto our soil. No one from Essos or Sothoryos allowed! And ESPECIALLY no Summer Islanders. They’re eating the dogs!

Willas Tyrell is trying to KILL beautiful Highgarden. For the first time ever, more people are leaving than are coming in. He is using the term “King Joffrey” proof as a way of stopping all of the GREAT things that can be done to Make Westeros Great Again but I AM THE KING! I command him to yield!

I’ve heard that my grandfather, Tywin Lannister, has sent a raven congratulating me on my victory in The War of the Five Kings. He said my behavior at the moment of an attempt on my life at the Battle of the Blackwater left an impression on him. He said I turned out to be a brave man.

We must deport all the wildlings. It’s not a matter of how many golden stags it takes. We obviously have to make The Wall strong and powerful but the North must pay up. They are ripping the South off. I HATE WILDLINGS!!!!!