The Unruly Misfit
@thespotter8.bsky.social
All tweets done from my office air-ducts and crawlspace.
Pinned
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Has to be the worst Halloween ever. Someone stole the baby Michael from our nativity set.
November 2, 2025 at 5:20 PM
Has to be the worst Halloween ever. Someone stole the baby Michael from our nativity set.
Just got a call. Seems I just won a Tony award for my work in " Can't Stop This Humidity From Sticking To Me".
September 15, 2025 at 2:53 PM
Just got a call. Seems I just won a Tony award for my work in " Can't Stop This Humidity From Sticking To Me".
A coworker asked how do I come to work and do the samething day in and day out?"
*snickering* (I run on insecurities and irrational rage I thought to myself.) " Coffee... Lots of coffee."
*snickering* (I run on insecurities and irrational rage I thought to myself.) " Coffee... Lots of coffee."
September 12, 2025 at 12:25 PM
A coworker asked how do I come to work and do the samething day in and day out?"
*snickering* (I run on insecurities and irrational rage I thought to myself.) " Coffee... Lots of coffee."
*snickering* (I run on insecurities and irrational rage I thought to myself.) " Coffee... Lots of coffee."
Reposted by The Unruly Misfit
Sorry I’m late, I was just sexting with my wife. Well, when I say sexting I mean I texted asking her to Q-tip my ears for me before my appointment with my doctors later, but I did add a kiss.
August 31, 2025 at 11:54 AM
Sorry I’m late, I was just sexting with my wife. Well, when I say sexting I mean I texted asking her to Q-tip my ears for me before my appointment with my doctors later, but I did add a kiss.
Reposted by The Unruly Misfit
your Mom stole my Ravishing Rick Rude poster
September 1, 2025 at 5:03 AM
your Mom stole my Ravishing Rick Rude poster
Somewhere on Labor Day in America, right now, is a group of bald assholes in Hawaiian shirts drinking White Claw and yelling, "It's on like Donkey Kong."
September 1, 2025 at 3:21 PM
Somewhere on Labor Day in America, right now, is a group of bald assholes in Hawaiian shirts drinking White Claw and yelling, "It's on like Donkey Kong."
[job interview] ME:*adjusts tie* GUY: is that a breadstick painted black? ME: no GUY: yes it is ME:*sweats so hard my chocolate pants melt*
August 28, 2025 at 11:33 AM
[job interview] ME:*adjusts tie* GUY: is that a breadstick painted black? ME: no GUY: yes it is ME:*sweats so hard my chocolate pants melt*
What started as rocking my 2 year old to sleep has devolved into a jujitsu grappling match.
August 23, 2025 at 10:40 AM
What started as rocking my 2 year old to sleep has devolved into a jujitsu grappling match.
Safely escaped my family reunion with my wife and kids without being spotted. This was my Dunkirk.
August 19, 2025 at 6:00 PM
Safely escaped my family reunion with my wife and kids without being spotted. This was my Dunkirk.
Almost got into a break dance battle in the parking lot of Starbucks. Thankfully, it ended in violence.
August 5, 2025 at 11:40 AM
Almost got into a break dance battle in the parking lot of Starbucks. Thankfully, it ended in violence.
What's the difference between the Cowboys and a Chick-fil-A sandwich? Nothing, they both don't show up on Sundays.
August 2, 2025 at 4:31 PM
What's the difference between the Cowboys and a Chick-fil-A sandwich? Nothing, they both don't show up on Sundays.
The old bag lady in Starbucks just tried to have sex with me. Still got it!
August 2, 2025 at 12:11 PM
The old bag lady in Starbucks just tried to have sex with me. Still got it!
Reposted by The Unruly Misfit
I’m a happily married man but if I wasn’t you’d be really high up on my list. I’m talking top 500 at least.
Top 750, maximum.
Basically somewhere between Yasmine Bleeth and Betty White.
With Betty being number one, obviously.
Top 750, maximum.
Basically somewhere between Yasmine Bleeth and Betty White.
With Betty being number one, obviously.
August 2, 2025 at 12:08 PM
I’m a happily married man but if I wasn’t you’d be really high up on my list. I’m talking top 500 at least.
Top 750, maximum.
Basically somewhere between Yasmine Bleeth and Betty White.
With Betty being number one, obviously.
Top 750, maximum.
Basically somewhere between Yasmine Bleeth and Betty White.
With Betty being number one, obviously.
It's Friday tell your dog I said " Who's a pretty puppy? "
August 1, 2025 at 11:39 AM
It's Friday tell your dog I said " Who's a pretty puppy? "
Hate to brag, but back when I was bartending I could juggle 12 olives and stir your martini at the same time.
July 24, 2025 at 12:28 PM
Hate to brag, but back when I was bartending I could juggle 12 olives and stir your martini at the same time.
Just found out that Ozzy died so tonight for 76 minutes I'll be outside Barking at the Moon.
July 22, 2025 at 8:56 PM
Just found out that Ozzy died so tonight for 76 minutes I'll be outside Barking at the Moon.
Walmart... because going to Target requires a shower and clean clothes.
July 20, 2025 at 6:15 PM
Walmart... because going to Target requires a shower and clean clothes.
The first thing I said to my wife when I first met her. " Your beauty has been living in my mind rent free from the first day I laid eyes on you."
July 19, 2025 at 5:25 PM
The first thing I said to my wife when I first met her. " Your beauty has been living in my mind rent free from the first day I laid eyes on you."
Can't, in hot water with the wife again. Apparently, writing "take a nap first" on my Saturday honey-to-do-list is a no-no.
July 19, 2025 at 11:51 AM
Can't, in hot water with the wife again. Apparently, writing "take a nap first" on my Saturday honey-to-do-list is a no-no.
It's been 20 years since I've been in a McDonald's, but I just confirmed. The urinals still carry the exact same “vibe” and smell as it did back then.
July 17, 2025 at 5:50 PM
It's been 20 years since I've been in a McDonald's, but I just confirmed. The urinals still carry the exact same “vibe” and smell as it did back then.
Just fell off the porch and cut the hell out of my back on a bunch of Aloe Vera plants so I'm already fine.
July 16, 2025 at 8:00 PM
Just fell off the porch and cut the hell out of my back on a bunch of Aloe Vera plants so I'm already fine.
I can't stop thinking about that extra button that is inside my pants. That's a huge burden for a Wednesday morning.
July 16, 2025 at 10:48 AM
I can't stop thinking about that extra button that is inside my pants. That's a huge burden for a Wednesday morning.
Reposted by The Unruly Misfit
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
~ me weighing up whether paying the guy playing the bagpipes to stop will just encourage him even more.
~ me weighing up whether paying the guy playing the bagpipes to stop will just encourage him even more.
July 14, 2025 at 12:18 PM
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
~ me weighing up whether paying the guy playing the bagpipes to stop will just encourage him even more.
~ me weighing up whether paying the guy playing the bagpipes to stop will just encourage him even more.
Reposted by The Unruly Misfit
It’s not easy only being a B cup ball sack
July 14, 2025 at 3:00 AM
It’s not easy only being a B cup ball sack