the trouble is most of my spite is directed at the ~loving~ people who tried to make me quit by saying incredibly mean things. hell, i probably started to smoke out of spite against my perfect fucking family who act like im a serial murderer for like, being queer and fat and smoking

well they don't sell heroin at the corner store, you know?

its just my luck that im violently allergic to wellbutrin. like i had one day of feeling incredible and then my hands swelled up like balloons

I started smoking out of spite though. Like i have a pretty deep red raw anger at some of the people who love me and want me to quit

alas im like. violently allergic to it. my hands swelled up like balloons when i tried it

ive read allen carr's book six times. whatever magic trick is in it doesnt work on me

the longer it takes the longer i have to delay. which i can deal with i guess. sorta

its kinda nice to have a positive reason but "do this previously totally impossible thing so you can have something you want more than anything" is kind of intense. ive been smoking 2 packs a day for like ten years jeez

i have read that book like six times. idk

its a medical thing, smoking really messes with wound healing

i have to be 6 weeks nicotine free at my surgery consult 😱 good God this is gonna suck

lmao

perfect

lmao yes also they're Assassins

naming my fists stephen and sondheim cuz theyre gonna FINISH your hat

either way, though, there's a suffusing air of melancholy about the whole situation

im not sure i had some crystalline moment of knowing, but i kept wishing id been born a guy, and about 8 years ago i sorta realized that thinking "i wish i had a dick i wish i was a man i wish i was a man i wish i was a man i wish i was a man" 800 times a day was not very cis of me