it's been hard because I've been so lonely. everything around me just keeps falling apart and it's hard to deal with. every corner i turn there's another thing keeping me from feeling like I'm allowed to be happy. not to excuse my behavior.

yeah I'm pretty dumb huh. sorry. maybe I can be better sometime. but I wouldn't put too much stock into me.

it's really not anyone's fault. I'm a lonely retard. i don't want to keep dragging anyone down or bothering em. it's my own fault for not having many friends. I'm really really bad at it. it's my own fault for being so alone. so don't even waste your energy.

i don't wanna be around me either. i hate me too. and if for some reason you do like me, then you're better off forgetting me. I'll be alone either way I'm sure. because I'm too flawed too i capable of connection. I only ever hurt people.

i could've been better. i had the chance to be someone. something. even though I was born like this i could've tried to do something. made myself likeable or interesting. not so much of a spastic retard depressive animal.

how can I just trust others when nobody has shown to me that they care. I'm left to my devices constantly. as if it's easy for me. it's not. why do you think i shut myself in, away from the world? and it's really not anyone's fault. I'm just broken

whose there when I'm crying. whose there when I'm bleeding from my cuts. even random injuries I've always had to tend to myself. I've always talked to myself. walked with myself. cried to myself. warmed myself. protected myself.

the proof is there. people barely remember what I do, what I like, when i was born, conversations we've had, how we met, things we've done, promises and plans made. I'm just a thought at the back of the mind that rarely comes up for people.

I'm constantly just trying to make up for who I am. it's exhausting and I think I'm failing at it anyway. i barely exist. so why care if I'm dead, alive, nonexistent, off the grid, whatever. I'm just one in billions. not even one worth remembering at that.

people say it would but is that the truth? why should I believe them when I'm just one in a sea of people. does anyone really think about me? at all? i find it hard to believe the answer could be yes honestly.

this loneliness is so painful at times. some of it is self inflicted i guess tho. really tho will it actually matter if I'm here or not?

everything sucks so fucking bad. but tiny bits of hope still linger. even though I wanted to die my friend td me not to. honestly i was hoping anyone would at that time. i was just being dumb. i won't die. it all hurts so bad but I'll keep living.

i wish this nightmare would end already. i want to wake up and see something better. I'm still that same depressed loser. still thinking I'm better off dead and alone. still hating myself.

i won't die. that only hurts people more. i want to feel warmth and love. i want to live. but it's hard. i don't find warmth in just anyone. i can't just talk in earnest with just anyone.