Sir Michael
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sirmichael.bsky.social
Sir Michael
@sirmichael.bsky.social
16K followers 220 following 1.8K posts
Creator of the Sturdy Wheelbarrows podcast and the grandson who continues to be persecuted for wearing jean shorts to his grandad's funeral :(
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sirmichael.bsky.social
If any of you ever wish to avoid attending an event but need an excuse to get out of it, please feel free to use me. Simply complete this form, give it to the person(s) inviting you to said event and you'll be in the clear 👍
Excuse Form Name: Date: Event you cannot attend: I will be unable to attend the above event as I will be participating in the selected event below with my good friend Sir Michael, who, as you can see, has corroborated my claim: - Important business meeting - Unimportant business meeting - Cutting each other's hair - Michael is teaching me a new way to memorise the alphabet - We are thinking of building a treehouse together. It's not definite yet but we're doing some preliminary research on it. - Michael is comforting me about the tragic loss of the dinosaurs 65 million years ago - Trying on each other's shoes The above excuse has been officially corroborated by Sir Michael. Signed: Sir Michael
November 2, 2025 at 3:04 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
Here you go. You've got an hour to study it before Traitors
October 29, 2025 at 7:54 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
What do you call THIS, Cathal?? Surely you can't defend this kind of shoddiness??
October 29, 2025 at 7:53 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
It's hard for us to appreciate the true scale of Mount Everest. So to put it in a context that we can all understand, here's a comparison chart showing the height of Mount Everest alongside other tall things
October 15, 2025 at 6:50 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
A former teacher of mine once told me that there are no stupid or unnecessary questions and I carry those words of wisdom with me every day online
October 8, 2025 at 6:18 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
Thinking of becoming a successful businessperson? Here's everything you'll need to know
How to Become a Successful Businessperson 1. You need to prove to yourself that you're serious about being a successful businessperson so call your current boss and quit your job. This will focus your mind on becoming a successful businessperson. 2. If you are in a relationship, end it immediately. Tell your partner that you've got business to do and you don't want to be distracted by their attempts to love you. 3. Start your first day the right way - by getting up at lunchtime. This will ensure you feel rested for your first day of business. Also, you'll be up just in time for lunch, which you should try to make a business lunch. 4. Have a long business lunch. At least 5 to 6 hours. If your business lunch lasts less than that, consider having a business snack immediately afterwards. 5. Your first order of business after lunch should be to purchase a new desk. This will be your business desk. If you already have a perfectly good desk, take it outside and burn it. This will ensure there's plenty of room in your house for your new desk. 6. When sitting at your new business desk, think of an ingenious business idea. Not roller skates, though. Someone already thought of that. 7. Once you have thought of your ingenious business idea, find a customer and sell it to them for at least 100 (unless the customer considers that price too high, in which case you should reduce the price to something more affordable). 8. Now that your business is thriving, you have almost made it as a successful businessperson. However, you will need to expand the business to continue being successful. So at this point, consider purchasing a second desk.
October 4, 2025 at 7:57 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
The question I get asked most frequently is, "Michael, what is your opinion of the Wikipedia page on doors?" Well, here are my full and honest thoughts
The Pros & Cons of The Wikipedia Page on Doors Pros 1. Is a useful source of information about doors 2. Provides a pretty good overview on the history of doors 3. Contains several enjoyable pictures of doors Cons 1. Not quite enough pictures of doors for my liking Conclusion As we can see, there are more pros than cons so my final rating for The Wikipedia page on Doors is 6/9. To put this in context, this means that The Wikipedia Page on Doors is worse than Getting a Nice Haircut (7/9) but better than Being Trapped in a Freezer (2/9).
September 23, 2025 at 6:21 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
Never forget the time I had to contact my local costume shop on Facebook. The last-minute hospital pass by David to Sonya is exquisite.
September 17, 2025 at 6:32 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
My performance evaluation for the captain of the Titanic
September 13, 2025 at 7:40 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
I conducted a survey asking people to name the worst thing about modern society. To my surprise, absolutely none of them said that traffic lights are too boring. But I still went ahead and devised a solution to the problem anyway
September 10, 2025 at 8:18 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
Always take proactive action when you see an ad for a job that isn't right for you. It saves a lot of potential awkwardness.
September 7, 2025 at 7:43 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
It's pretty fascinating to see how horses have evolved over time, imo
The Evolution of Horses Throughout History Earliest Horse (roamed the Earth millions of years ago) [Black square: No photo available as cameras had not been invented at this point in history] Mid-era horse (roamed the Earth thousands of years ago) [Black square: No photo available as cameras had not been invented at this point in history] Modern-day horse (roams the Earth now) [Picture of a horse]
September 4, 2025 at 7:46 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
Some people don't even know the basic facts about our home solo system. Here's everything you need to know
Amazing Facts About the Solo System 1. The sun is so far away from Earth that you would need to tie together ELEVEN stepladders to reach it. Do not use twelve, though, because then you would overshoot the sun and we do not know what lies behind this might circle of fiery wrath 2. The solo system of 9 planets (Earth, Mars, Juliper, Plato, Moon, Sun, Nursa Major, International Space System, don't remember what the last one is called - will look it up and fill it in here before I post) 3. Our solo system is almost 150 years old. The only people who were alive for its formation are now so old that we cannot get any sense out of them. They are kept alive only by medical science and their determination to keep voting for racists in elections 4. Many monkeys were sent into the solo system as captains of the early spaceships. They have yet to come back, leading many experts to conclude that the monkeys have formed an alliance somewhere in space and will one day return to wreak a terrible vengeance upon us for casting them into space. WE NEED TO START PREPARING OUR DEFENCES FOR WHEN THE MONKEY ALLIANCE ATTACKS
August 29, 2025 at 3:03 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
The publishing industry is in decline. Some say it's because of changing market dynamics. Others say it's because of technological disruptions. But the truth is it's because they refuse to publish my lovely book of Heartwarming Stories for Children.
Bobby The Very Tall Squirrel Once upon a time, there lived a squirrel who was over 8 feet tall! His name was Bobby and his favourite food was hazelnuts. Unfortunately squirrels weren't meant to be 8 feet tall and, unsurprisingly, Bobby was unable to find enough food to sustain himself through winter. Bobby died in January, his existence a meaningless footnote in an uncaring universe (a fate that awaits us all). Other squirrels attended his funeral but did so out of courtesy and not because they particularly liked him. The End The Grateful Rabbits "Let's all count our blessings," said Kevin The Rabbit to all the other rabbits. "Let's take time to appreciate how lucky we are to have warrens to live in and grass to eat because some rabbits have nothing." All the other rabbits nodded in agreement and thanked their lucky stars that they had a home and just enough food to eat. Kevin The Rabbit, meanwhile, went home to his palatial warren, where he lived in luxury, thanks to being born into a rich rabbit family. He was pleased with himself after convincing all the other rabbits to be grateful for the basic amounts of shelter and sustenance they needed to survive. It distracted them from ever getting angry at rabbits like Kevin, who were living in luxurious warrens and hoarding obscence quantities of rabbit food. The End Princess Annabel Once upon a time, there lived a young girl named Annabel. "My dad says I can be anything I want when I grow up... even a princess!" said Annabel excitedly. "Sadly, Annabel, your dad is telling you an outdated fairytale," replied her teacher Miss Jennings. "Social mobility is at an all-time low and the ultra-rich are cosseted behind physical and social barriers. The chances of you becoming a princess are negligible. You'll probably work in middle management." The End Monsters Under The Bed? "Are there monsters under my bed, Daddy?" Sarah-Jane asked as her father tucked her into bed. "No, sweetie," he replied. "The world is full of terrifying monsters - and what makes them most frightening of all is how innocuous they appear. They look respectable, wear business suits, work in positions of power and effect public policy that destroys lives, vandalises the planet and ruins society, all while enriching themselves. These are the scariest monsters of all and they are everywhere. But probably not under your bed. Goodnight!" The End
August 26, 2025 at 8:01 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
Time to review my predictions for summer 2025. In hindsight, I think I set my targets too high :(
PREDICTIONS FOR SUMMER 2025 1. Summer 2025 will be forever known as “The Summer of Soup” 2. My new gang, “The Soup Troops”, will receive at least 2.5 million membership applications 3. Led by me, The Soup Troops will conquer at least one plot of land, which we will immediately declare independent and we will then rename it Soupland 4. I will be elected President of Soupland in a landslide vote 5. I will purge Soupland of any dissidents and anyone who I suspect is only pretending to like soup RESULTS (August 20th) 1. Sad to report this has not really caught on yet :( 2. Membership applications currently stand at four, one of which I suspect is not a genuine application because it just says “SOUP SUCKS!!!!” and the requisite fields have not been completed 3. The Soup Troops and I attempted to seize the north corner of the local park but we were chased away by several wasps. 4. Soupland presidential election remains undecided as Colin has lost the key to the ballot box (he thinks he left it in his nan's house but she's away on holiday at the moment) 5. I am starting to fear an uprising. There has been a lot of anger within the Soup Troops rank and file since I unwisely ordered a sandwich for lunch instead of soup at Friday's Party Congress :(
August 20, 2025 at 7:33 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
If I had been asked to proofread "She Loves You" by The Beatles
August 18, 2025 at 6:56 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
I know they've received some criticism but I have to say I'm broadly in favour of the updated rules for the Premier League season
Updated Rules Ahead of 2025/26 Premier League Season 1. Double-kick on penalties will result in a re-take. 2. If a player has a dentist appointment scheduled for mid-game, they may still leave to attend but the match will now continue without them instead of waiting until they come back. 3. Goalkeepers can no longer eat the referee's whistle during matches. 4. Players are forbidden from disguising themselves as leopards to intimidate opponents. 5. Goalkeepers may not steal the referee's whistle, hide it and then eat it after the referee has gone home. 6. If an outfield player hears of a goalkeeper plotting to eat the referee's whistle, that player MUST report this information to the authorities. WE CANNOT KEEP LOSING WHISTLES AT THE SAME RATE. LAST SEASON WAS UNACCEPTABLE.
August 15, 2025 at 6:17 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
Excited to announce that I have decided to become an events coordinator. My first event is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon 🤞
Public Meeting Regarding The Good Old Days A meeting will be held here tomorrow at 4:19pm to talk about the good old days. All are welcome. Attendees will be asked to reminisce about their memories of the good old days. If you cannot remember the good old days, you can still attend but you are not allowed to point out obvious historical and factual inaccuracies in people's reminiscences. No topic other than the good old days may be discussed, with the following topics being strictly off-limits: The bad old days The bad new days The good new days Anyone who raises one of these topics will be asked to leave and will not be recalled fondly during future discussions about the good old days. - SM Events Coordinator
August 12, 2025 at 7:19 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
Reminder that if it hadn't been for the pandemic, I would almost certainly now be recognised as the world's leading equine artist 💔
August 9, 2025 at 6:59 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
For centuries, people have wondered if water is a good or bad thing. Now, thanks to data, we can finally make a definitive assessment
IS WATER A GOOD OR A BAD THING? Pros: - Makes baths more enjoyable - Quite useful for baptisms, I suppose Cons: - Facilitates 100% of shark attacks - Less delicious than apple juice - Culpable for the Titanic disaster CONCLUSION: As we can see, there are three cons and only two pros. This proves that water is a bad thing. This does not necessarily mean that we should get rid of all the water but we should certainly consider it if we are serious about reducing maritime disasters.
August 6, 2025 at 7:32 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
For anyone who needs to know how to rename a file, here's my handy how-to guide. Hope this is helpful 🤞
August 3, 2025 at 6:47 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
Here's a handy how-to guide I made for anyone who wants to calculate their monthly expenses more easily
July 30, 2025 at 7:18 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
Before I answer that, Tríona, how would you describe bottles that are sitting on a wall and how does it differ from bottles that are standing on a wall?

And secondly, you appear to be signing the wrong lyrics. Because I hope you wouldn't dare say that Wikipedia is wrong...
July 28, 2025 at 2:59 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
I heard a fascinating song recently and it affected me so deeply that I had no option but to write a thesis on it. Here's page 1
“Ten Green Bottles” - A Thesis by Michael Cunningham At the start of the song, we quickly learn that there are ten green bottles hanging on the wall. Are the bottles full or empty? We are not told. Our first reaction is to be furious. “Why won't this song tell us if there's anything in the bottles??” we rage. However, this is all part of the journey because it soon becomes clear that the omission of this informaiton is a masterstroke. The song is not keeping us in the dark. Instead it is inviting us to a magical world where anything is possible; where bottles can be as full or as empty as we please. Wow! With our minds now racing with possibilities, we feel alive and joyful. But only briefly for we are suddenly confronted with a bombshell that we could not have foreseen. What if one green bottle should accidentally fall? We are taken from joy to despair in a matter of milliseconds. We had believed the ten green bottles hanging on the wall to be permanent. Impervious. Sheltered from the vicissitudes of life. These ten green bottles were our constants in a world of turmoil and change. But now we must come to terms with the heartbreaking reality that these green bottles are as ephemeral as life itself. A bottle could fall at any moment and we are then left to count those that remain. Any illusions of the wall being a safe haven have been shattered. Then, still reeling from the loss of one green bottle, the song refuses to let us return to an even keel and instead asks, what if another green bottle should accidentally fall? Nobody could have been prepared for a second green bottle falling so soon after the
July 24, 2025 at 7:25 PM
sirmichael.bsky.social
Just because it's not someone's birthday doesn't mean you shouldn't send them a card. I send one of these to everyone I know 364 days a year. It's called politeness.
[Cover of a greeting card with a birthday cake cancelled out] Today is not your birthday. You are still allowed to enjoy the day if you wish but there will be no well-wishes or celebrations to mark your existence. You will receive a new card in 24 hours to inform you whether or not it is your birthday then. But don’t get your hopes up because it probably won’t be.
July 21, 2025 at 7:40 PM