Simon D. Heaven
@sdheaven.bsky.social
Fool. Idiot. Miscreant.
Formerly funny, presently employed, perpetually confused.
Brexit refugee.
Heja svea eller vahetter det.
(They, them)
Formerly funny, presently employed, perpetually confused.
Brexit refugee.
Heja svea eller vahetter det.
(They, them)
You know what they call the Royal Rumble in France?
"Battle Royale with Cheese"
"Battle Royale with Cheese"
January 29, 2025 at 6:20 PM
You know what they call the Royal Rumble in France?
"Battle Royale with Cheese"
"Battle Royale with Cheese"
Count Dracula? One.
January 28, 2025 at 3:16 PM
Count Dracula? One.
Just got asked to present ID for beer.
I'm 36 years old.
I'm old enough to buy TWO beers.
I'm 36 years old.
I'm old enough to buy TWO beers.
January 2, 2025 at 1:19 PM
Just got asked to present ID for beer.
I'm 36 years old.
I'm old enough to buy TWO beers.
I'm 36 years old.
I'm old enough to buy TWO beers.
L'Oreal means "The Royal Gold" in English. Except it doesn't because that doesn't scan. In English we would say "The Crown Jewels", which is a euphemism for testicles.
L'Oreal means The Bollocks.
L'Oreal means The Bollocks.
December 27, 2024 at 1:29 PM
L'Oreal means "The Royal Gold" in English. Except it doesn't because that doesn't scan. In English we would say "The Crown Jewels", which is a euphemism for testicles.
L'Oreal means The Bollocks.
L'Oreal means The Bollocks.
Now listening to:
Lockheed Martin - "Livin' da vida loca"
Lockheed Martin - "Livin' da vida loca"
December 14, 2024 at 12:36 PM
Now listening to:
Lockheed Martin - "Livin' da vida loca"
Lockheed Martin - "Livin' da vida loca"
I've been playing guitar so long I remember before we had electric guitars.
Back then we all had to go fill them with petrol.
Back then we all had to go fill them with petrol.
December 8, 2024 at 11:31 PM
I've been playing guitar so long I remember before we had electric guitars.
Back then we all had to go fill them with petrol.
Back then we all had to go fill them with petrol.
My house got bitten by a wolf on a full moon and now it's full of fucking boxes.
December 8, 2024 at 11:22 PM
My house got bitten by a wolf on a full moon and now it's full of fucking boxes.
I ordered a coke from the bar, he said "regular?".
I said "let's just start with a one time only thing"
I said "let's just start with a one time only thing"
December 6, 2024 at 6:33 PM
I ordered a coke from the bar, he said "regular?".
I said "let's just start with a one time only thing"
I said "let's just start with a one time only thing"
I saw a dog collar the other day, and it had the name "Fluffles", and two phone numbers on it.
Spoilt rotten.
Back in my day dogs didn't need phones, they were out climbing trees...
Spoilt rotten.
Back in my day dogs didn't need phones, they were out climbing trees...
December 5, 2024 at 12:23 PM
I saw a dog collar the other day, and it had the name "Fluffles", and two phone numbers on it.
Spoilt rotten.
Back in my day dogs didn't need phones, they were out climbing trees...
Spoilt rotten.
Back in my day dogs didn't need phones, they were out climbing trees...
Reposted by Simon D. Heaven
The polycarbonate cage falls around you.
"RELEASE THE BEES", I cry.
"RELEASE THE BEES", I cry.
December 1, 2024 at 10:43 AM
The polycarbonate cage falls around you.
"RELEASE THE BEES", I cry.
"RELEASE THE BEES", I cry.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, find out I baited you, and that it is in fact you who has been fooled. You thought I'd trust you again? What an idiot.
Ratio.
Fool me twice, find out I baited you, and that it is in fact you who has been fooled. You thought I'd trust you again? What an idiot.
Ratio.
December 1, 2024 at 10:40 AM
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, find out I baited you, and that it is in fact you who has been fooled. You thought I'd trust you again? What an idiot.
Ratio.
Fool me twice, find out I baited you, and that it is in fact you who has been fooled. You thought I'd trust you again? What an idiot.
Ratio.
I wonder if this plucky dog food brand will find international success?
November 30, 2024 at 5:36 PM
I wonder if this plucky dog food brand will find international success?
Listen kid, there's two things ya need in this business...
November 30, 2024 at 5:34 PM
Listen kid, there's two things ya need in this business...
True story.
When my son was little, I told him that my mate, Jon Bon Jovi, was World tiddlywinks champion, and he lived on the moon.
I then sent us presents from him every year since.
My son is now 18 years old, and looking forward to what old Jon is going to get him this year.
When my son was little, I told him that my mate, Jon Bon Jovi, was World tiddlywinks champion, and he lived on the moon.
I then sent us presents from him every year since.
My son is now 18 years old, and looking forward to what old Jon is going to get him this year.
November 29, 2024 at 10:24 PM
True story.
When my son was little, I told him that my mate, Jon Bon Jovi, was World tiddlywinks champion, and he lived on the moon.
I then sent us presents from him every year since.
My son is now 18 years old, and looking forward to what old Jon is going to get him this year.
When my son was little, I told him that my mate, Jon Bon Jovi, was World tiddlywinks champion, and he lived on the moon.
I then sent us presents from him every year since.
My son is now 18 years old, and looking forward to what old Jon is going to get him this year.
Now that I have a condenser dryer, I could never go back.
Dry clothes AND a little drink?
Don't mind if I do
Dry clothes AND a little drink?
Don't mind if I do
November 28, 2024 at 1:29 PM
Now that I have a condenser dryer, I could never go back.
Dry clothes AND a little drink?
Don't mind if I do
Dry clothes AND a little drink?
Don't mind if I do
If hindsight is 2020, is foresight 8080?
November 27, 2024 at 5:43 PM
If hindsight is 2020, is foresight 8080?
What's the opposite of a class action lawsuit?
Nevermind. Anyway, so I just copyrighted the © symbol...
Nevermind. Anyway, so I just copyrighted the © symbol...
November 27, 2024 at 4:02 PM
What's the opposite of a class action lawsuit?
Nevermind. Anyway, so I just copyrighted the © symbol...
Nevermind. Anyway, so I just copyrighted the © symbol...
Maybe she's born with it...
...maybe it's Sertraline©
...maybe it's Sertraline©
November 27, 2024 at 4:01 PM
Maybe she's born with it...
...maybe it's Sertraline©
...maybe it's Sertraline©
I've been trying to teach Gemini to write jokes. I think it might file a restraining order against me.
Next response is just gonna be "look man, I'm tired..."
Next response is just gonna be "look man, I'm tired..."
November 26, 2024 at 10:23 PM
I've been trying to teach Gemini to write jokes. I think it might file a restraining order against me.
Next response is just gonna be "look man, I'm tired..."
Next response is just gonna be "look man, I'm tired..."
Darwin once said:
"It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change."
Which is like I always say; seven pence is seven pence. Keep your great mitts off.
"It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change."
Which is like I always say; seven pence is seven pence. Keep your great mitts off.
November 26, 2024 at 6:08 PM
Darwin once said:
"It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change."
Which is like I always say; seven pence is seven pence. Keep your great mitts off.
"It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change."
Which is like I always say; seven pence is seven pence. Keep your great mitts off.
AI means a lot of different things to different people.
For example, in my hometown in Yorkshire it means:
"Oh yes, I agree"
For example, in my hometown in Yorkshire it means:
"Oh yes, I agree"
November 25, 2024 at 6:44 PM
AI means a lot of different things to different people.
For example, in my hometown in Yorkshire it means:
"Oh yes, I agree"
For example, in my hometown in Yorkshire it means:
"Oh yes, I agree"
It turns out all Rovers are Land Rovers.
Fishing trip ruined.
Fishing trip ruined.
November 24, 2024 at 10:20 PM
It turns out all Rovers are Land Rovers.
Fishing trip ruined.
Fishing trip ruined.
Reposted by Simon D. Heaven
Incidentally, did you know that dogs can't find a word in a dictionary?
It's because they... uh...
It's because they... uh...
November 24, 2024 at 11:04 AM
Incidentally, did you know that dogs can't find a word in a dictionary?
It's because they... uh...
It's because they... uh...
I met a guy in the pub who was worried about AI taking his job.
I told him not to worry, it's not like AI is going to learn to confidently present incorrect information as fact any time soon; so we'll still need guys from the pub to tell us dogs can't look up.
I told him not to worry, it's not like AI is going to learn to confidently present incorrect information as fact any time soon; so we'll still need guys from the pub to tell us dogs can't look up.
November 24, 2024 at 11:03 AM
I met a guy in the pub who was worried about AI taking his job.
I told him not to worry, it's not like AI is going to learn to confidently present incorrect information as fact any time soon; so we'll still need guys from the pub to tell us dogs can't look up.
I told him not to worry, it's not like AI is going to learn to confidently present incorrect information as fact any time soon; so we'll still need guys from the pub to tell us dogs can't look up.
They say it is better to have loved and lost...
Ridiculous.
Clearly written by someone who has never hated and won.
Ridiculous.
Clearly written by someone who has never hated and won.
November 23, 2024 at 5:40 PM
They say it is better to have loved and lost...
Ridiculous.
Clearly written by someone who has never hated and won.
Ridiculous.
Clearly written by someone who has never hated and won.