So, I hope this surgery will at least ease me some bit, and I can start to stop constantly fretting over what I'm eating, and my body will slow it's decay- that's all I can hope for. I just want to feel better, not normal, just not shitty- you know? Anyway, thanks for reading

I hope that in a week or however long my recovery takes, I can close this chapter of my life and it will all be a distant nightmare, but I know it won't end that easy. I'll feel better, and be stronger, but this is my life's battle I think, my mind

So my advice to anyone suffering with an eating disorder, is do what you can to keep your body running. I can't ask you to eat normally, I know better than anyone how hard it is- but it can go so wrong, you HAVE to take care of yourself. The mental pain is so much worse with the added physical pain

I've spent almost every waking moment of the last two years of my life being afraid. Afraid of vomiting, afraid of having a colic, afraid of things going wrong with work. Ruled by fear. So much time spent thinking myself into nausea, so much time wasted waiting for something that never came

In May I got an ultrasound and the gallstones were discovered, since then it's been months of micromanaging my fat intake, and I've had a lot of pain, but no colics- or no colics that were as bad as what I had gone through in the first half of the year. On the 12th, the organ is getting removed

I was lucky, I only had 1 colic every month from January to May of 2025, but they were hellish, hours of otherworldly pain that had me sobbing, sweating, curled into a ball- for the love of god, do not crash diet or stop eating, or whatever. I'd rather have vomited a thousand times instead of this

October 2023 vs. October 2025, I lost 130 pounds in about a year from 2024 to now.

I spent a whole year afraid of my body, of food, of everything, and it took its toll- mainly, my gallbladder

From July to december of 2024, I basically stopped eating- I was so afraid of getting food poisoning or norovirus that I subsisted on abanana, a couple crackers, multivitamins, and other shitty nonperishables. We've affectionately dubbed this "kibble" I lost weight rapidly, it was hell on my body

In June of 2024, I had gone on anxiety medication for my sensation of "time running out", something I've struggled with my whole life. It helped, but some other things I'd been burying cropped up in it's stead, that being my crippling emetophobia, or fear of vomiting

I'm learning as I go here, so I've never done it. I assume you do that after painting? I bought bigger brushes to do that, plus some washes.

Thanks for playing!

some before and afters