Realll

My Soul To Keep by me, Alex King-Peroff

I pray that at my funeral many shall speak of my accomplishments but my sins they shall not omit.
I will wander and wait in the afterlife amongst the endless fields and swathes of sugar canes.
Should the world end tonight,
Lay might soul to rest.

My ideas will slowly wither and no longer thrive,
I will be able to dutifully say that I did my best.

My soul will flow in the River Styx with Charon as my dutiful attendant,
No more shall mine mind thrive with hedonistic views of drugs and lust.

I pray that I lie with great storytellers namely John Hughes and Tolkien.
I pray that at my funeral people from all around come to support en masse.

The words and wires of the World Wide Web thrash and writhe underneath us.
People communicating across the planet in seconds and yet my roses go unattended.

Should the world end tonight,
Lay your soul to rest.
Lay thine head in my lap as we recount the nights we proved we were alive.

Should the future I saw not come to pass,
Acknowledge my words with flowers that you shall lay upon my coffin.

In Australia we have miner birds, they are pests and bullies. Once, my dad got his air rifle and shot one because they drive him nuts. He has had the worst luck imaginable ever since

I really think I’m getting close to giving up, which is a really shitty thing to say after I’ve actually started making things again, but I can’t handle this all. I’m tired of it.

I just want the one thing I’ve wanted since I was a kid. I want to fucking matter to people! Why is it so hard to matter? I want people to invite me out! I want people to care! I don’t want them to care when I’m dead, I want them to care now!

I’ve been busy the last few weeks, and, two days ago me and my friend hopped on the game we used to play to start getting into a new routine. Our third friend joins, invites my friend to play Siege, ignores me completely outside of saying hello, and then just leaves

I can’t keep this up. I can’t keep up this feeling of hatred for myself and the world around me. I am genderfluid, but I don’t feel like anyone cares about that and it makes me want to bawl my eyes out because it feels like nobody cares.

Recently I’ve been discovering that my autism is a world apart from everybody else’s, I’m closer to being fucking cognitively dissonant than a stable human being and everyone wants me to act like a normal person in society?

I want to be a writer, I want to make short films, I want to make documentaries about the people who live on this planet. But how can I do that if there’s no one around to help? I know people do it on their own all the time, but I’m not like them

I want to start game nights with my friends but they’re all too busy. The compromise is we start with D&D and branch out into Lancer—which is the big one I want to play, but that’s scary.

I can’t keep up with all of this change. I can feel myself unraveling as I go forward. I feel like throwing up every time I go out, I feel like a useless prick who can’t write for shit no matter what I do to change that

I lost my girlfriend and on the same night I found out a boys trip to Japan was canceled. I have no one to talk to, no one to connect with. I tell you, my neck has never felt the ghost of rope like this.