Kelly Judd
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psychodynamiccoach.bsky.social
Kelly Judd
@psychodynamiccoach.bsky.social
280 followers 330 following 360 posts
👋 New here!
🏳️‍🌈 Queer, AuDHD, chronic illness, exvangelical
🤓 Life coach for smart & quirky folx
Posts about self-advocacy, autism, ADHD, relationships, psychology, lgbtqia+ rights, Rhode Island
My work: https://www.kickstartwellness.com/social-media
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psychodynamiccoach.bsky.social
Things that brought me joy this week
Image of a light-colored squirrel perched low on an old tree Image of turtles basking in the sun on partially submerged logs Image of an egret drying its wings on a partially submerged log
June 7, 2025 at 3:25 PM
psychodynamiccoach.bsky.social
Quintessential Rhode Island photo ☕️🌊
June 2, 2025 at 11:49 PM
psychodynamiccoach.bsky.social
Happy sunny Sunday, Bluesky ❤️
June 1, 2025 at 3:13 PM
psychodynamiccoach.bsky.social
Happy Saturday, Bluesky ❤️
May 31, 2025 at 2:24 PM
psychodynamiccoach.bsky.social
Had the beach all to myself this morning 🌊❤️
Photo of entry point to a beach - a pathway through the sand is lined by an orange fence. Waves are visible on the other side of a hill. Photo of ocean waves, shot from just near the water line. The sky is blue and the beach is rocky
May 19, 2025 at 12:08 PM
psychodynamiccoach.bsky.social
STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THIS IS A REAL THING
Screenshot of website for an upcoming production of Waiting for Godot with Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter
May 17, 2025 at 9:48 PM
psychodynamiccoach.bsky.social
Ways that I am able to care for myself today: taking a walk in nature (babies!); saying "no" to paths not meant for me; extending forgiveness and compassion to someone I love dearly
May 7, 2025 at 6:42 PM
psychodynamiccoach.bsky.social
Why love isn’t always enough in relationships with folks who lack emotional maturity
May 2, 2025 at 1:06 PM
psychodynamiccoach.bsky.social
Choosing whom to invite into your life and confidence
April 30, 2025 at 2:44 PM
psychodynamiccoach.bsky.social
Realizing that a parent can’t connect with you in the ways that you need
April 29, 2025 at 2:58 PM
psychodynamiccoach.bsky.social
Mission accomplished
Photo of Kelly with a freshly cut dark pixie hairstyle, big glasses, and a slight smile
April 26, 2025 at 5:55 PM
psychodynamiccoach.bsky.social
Here are some tips for overcoming conflict avoidance
April 25, 2025 at 4:32 PM
psychodynamiccoach.bsky.social
Constantly putting your needs last in order to “keep the peace” in your family or in a romantic relationship might seem like caring and kindness, but it's actually relationship sabotage
Constantly putting your needs last in order to “keep the peace” in your family or in a romantic relationship might seem like caring and kindness, but it's actually relationship sabotage. When you repeatedly silence your own needs to keep others comfortable, you're not creating peace—you're creating an illusion. For a relationship to work, both people have to show up honestly, even (and especially) when they may not be perfectly aligned. Over time, repeated self-sacrifice leads to resentment. That resentment eventually seeps into your interactions through passive aggression, emotional withdrawal, or sudden outbursts that seem to come out of nowhere. And what’s more, by never sharing your needs or establishing healthy boundaries, you’re robbing others of the opportunity to know and love the real you. Instead, you're offering a sanitized version of yourself that's designed to please people rather than connect authentically. The healthiest relationships aren't conflict-free—they're built on mutual respect and the ability to navigate disagreements. True peace comes not from avoiding difficult conversations, but from knowing you can have them and stay connected.
April 11, 2025 at 12:00 PM
psychodynamiccoach.bsky.social
Let's talk about the pain of realizing you were parentified as a child, a teen, or a young adult ⬇️
Let's talk about the pain of realizing you were parentified as a child, a teen, or a young adult. Recognizing that you were given adult responsibilities, emotional burdens, or caretaking roles far too soon can trigger some really complex and confusing feelings, especially as you do the work to untangle those inappropriate responsibilities from your adult identity. On one hand, you might find yourself grieving for the childhood you never had—the protection you deserved from the adults in your life, the freedom from adult concerns, and the right to just be a kid. On the flip side, you might also grieve the loss of what ultimately became your identity—being the responsible one, the emotional caretaker, or the family hero. While inappropriate for a kid, those roles may have given you purpose, pride, and a sense of control in an otherwise chaotic environment. These seemingly contradictory feelings can leave you feeling like an emotional pretzel. How can you simultaneously mourn your lost childhood and feel lost without the same roles that stole that childhood from you? Remember that letting go of roles you were inappropriately assigned doesn't mean losing yourself. It means creating space to discover who you might have been without all of these premature responsibilities—and who you can still become.
April 10, 2025 at 12:20 PM
psychodynamiccoach.bsky.social
Accepting what you can and can’t control in difficult relationships ⬇️
Are there certain relationships in your life that leave you feeling defeated at every turn, no matter what you try to make them better?   Whether it's a romantic relationship that isn't quite working, a problematic family dynamic, an imbalanced friendship, or a coworker who pushes your buttons, it's common to get caught in the cycle of trying to change or fix someone else.   In an effort to keep yourself emotionally safe, you pour your energy into endlessly explaining yourself, desperately trying to win them over, and wishing they could just see things differently. But here's the hard truth:   No matter how much you may want someone to change, there are limits to what you can control in any relationship.   You can't force someone to grow, take responsibility, or see your perspective. And trying to do so just leads to more hurt, exhaustion, and resentment.   So what can you control?   You can actually control quite a bit: your own boundaries, your responses, your self-care, and your own personal growth. And by focusing on what's truly within your power, you free yourself from the frustration of trying to change what you can't. You reclaim your agency and create space for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.   Accepting this reality isn't always easy, but it's a game-changer. It allows you to redirect your energy towards what really matters—your own choices and wellbeing. And as you learn to show up for yourself with compassion and maturity, you model the very traits you wish to see in others.   Remember, you have the power to create change in your relationships—starting with yourself. Accepting what you can't control is the first step towards reclaiming your peace and building deep connections that are truly aligned with your needs and values.
April 2, 2025 at 2:48 PM
psychodynamiccoach.bsky.social
If you grew up with emotionally immature parents, you may find yourself struggling in adult romantic relationships.

Here’s why ⬇️
If you grew up with emotionally immature parents, you may find yourself struggling in adult romantic relationships. Here’s why: Emotionally immature parents often model poor communication, boundary-setting, and conflict resolution. Without healthy examples, you may struggle to express your needs, say no, or navigate disagreements constructively. Inconsistent affection from emotionally immature parents can lead to attachment insecurity. You may find yourself either constantly seeking reassurance from partners or avoiding intimacy altogether. If you grew up with emotionally immature parents, you may find yourself struggling in adult romantic relationships. Here’s why: Emotionally immature parents often model poor communication, boundary-setting, and conflict resolution. Without healthy examples, you may struggle to express your needs, say no, or navigate disagreements constructively. Inconsistent affection from emotionally immature parents can lead to attachment insecurity. You may find yourself either constantly seeking reassurance from partners or avoiding intimacy altogether.
March 27, 2025 at 2:42 PM
psychodynamiccoach.bsky.social
Have you ever noticed yourself talking yourself out of something you know deep down to be true?

Here are four common signs you might be silencing your own inner voice ⬇️
Have you ever noticed yourself talking yourself out of what you know deep down to be true? This pattern of overriding your intuition often shows up in subtle ways.   Here are four common signs you might be silencing your own inner voice:   #1 - Second-guessing clear feelings When your initial reaction is clear, but you spend hours analyzing whether you're "being reasonable" or not.   #2 - Seeking excessive validation When you need multiple opinions before making decisions you're more than capable of making alone.   #3 - Apologizing for your needs When you preface boundary statements with "I'm sorry, but..." even though your needs are valid. #4 - Ignoring your body's signals When you push through physical discomfort in situations where your body is clearly saying "no."   Learning to recognize these patterns is the first step toward trusting yourself again.   Ask yourself: • What situations trigger these behaviors? • What fears come up when I consider trusting my instincts? • What would change if I honored my intuition more often? Remember, these patterns developed for a reason—usually to keep you safe in situations where your authentic responses weren't exactly welcomed.   But with intention and self-compassion, you can begin to build new patterns of self-trust that are better aligned with your current circumstances and your goals.
March 26, 2025 at 5:07 PM
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It’s exhausting, isn’t it? You try to share something important—a success, a struggle, or a simple feeling with an emotionally immature parent—and somehow, the conversation always ends up being about them.

Let’s unpack why this happens ⬇️
It’s exhausting, isn’t it? You try to share something important—a success, a struggle, or a simple feeling with an emotionally immature parent—and somehow, the conversation always ends up being about them. To be clear, I’m not talking about sharing relatable experiences in the ways that we do as neurodivergent folks. I’m talking about shifting the entire focus of a conversation to their own experiences, feelings, or needs. Your promotion becomes about their career struggles. Your relationship challenges become about their marriage. Your feelings become about how your feelings make them feel. Let’s unpack why this happens: Emotionally immature parents often lack the capacity for true empathy. They struggle to see situations from any perspective but their own. This isn’t because they’re deliberately selfish—they simply never developed the emotional skills needed to truly consider others’ experiences. Shifting the conversation away from uncomfortable territory—your lived experience— back to themselves serves several purposes: - It helps them avoid the emotional intimacy they’re not prepared for. - It maintains their position as the central character in every story. - It protects them from having to acknowledge your separate identity and needs. Understanding this pattern can help you manage your expectations and protect your emotional energy. Remember, their inability to hold space for your experience isn’t a reflection of your worth—it’s a limitation of their emotional capacity.
March 25, 2025 at 12:23 PM
psychodynamiccoach.bsky.social
Reskeet with the wisdom in your recently saved images.
Screenshot from @dadsaysjokes reading: I asked my wife if I am the only one she has ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.
March 22, 2025 at 11:49 AM
psychodynamiccoach.bsky.social
Setting boundaries with family can feel especially challenging.

If you struggle to find the right words, here are five useful phrases to keep in your toolkit ⬇️
Setting boundaries with family can feel especially challenging. These are the people who knew you before you had any boundaries at all—who may have even taught you that having them was somehow wrong or selfish. But clear boundaries are essential for healthy relationships, even (especially) with family. If you struggle to find the right words when setting limits with family members, here are five useful phrases to keep in your toolkit: 1. "I know this is different from how we've done things in the past, but this is what works for me now." This acknowledges the change in pattern while firmly establishing your needs. 2. “I love you and also need some space right now." The "and" is crucial here—it shows that love and boundaries can coexist. 3. I’m not comfortable discussing that topic. Let's talk about something else." This is a great way to clearly and unapologetically set a boundary around information. 4. “That doesn't work for me. Here's what I can do instead..." This formula sets a limit while offering an alternative rather than an outright “no.” 5. “I need to think about that and get back to you." This creates space for you to check in with yourself rather than responding from habit or obligation. Remember that you don't need lengthy explanations or justifications for your boundaries. Clear, calm, and consistent communication is always best. You can expect some pushback initially—that's normal when you’re changing established patterns. But keep holding your boundaries with compassion, both for yourself and for your family members.
March 21, 2025 at 1:55 PM
psychodynamiccoach.bsky.social
Navigating relationships with elderly relatives can be… challenging.

As we age, core personality traits often become more pronounced, and for those who’ve struggled with emotional maturity, this can manifest as increased rigidity, self-centeredness, or difficulty regulating emotions ⬇️
Navigating relationships with elderly relatives can be… challenging. As we age, our core personality traits often become more pronounced, and for those who’ve struggled with emotional maturity all their lives, this can manifest as increased rigidity, self-centeredness, or difficulty regulating emotions. First, it’s important to remember that an elderly relative’s bad behavior isn’t about you— it’s a reflection of their own unresolved issues and limited coping skills. But that doesn’t mean you have to endure it silently or endlessly. Start by clearly defining your boundaries. What behaviors cross the line for you? Is it overt bigotry? Complaints about other family members? Constant criticism of your parenting, your appearance, or your financial choices? Communicate these limits calmly and compassionately, but firmly. Come prepared with a list of safe topics so you can redirect if needed. “Grandma, if you continue to talk about this, I’ll need to leave. How’s your new exercise class?” Be prepared for pushback—emotionally immature folks often react to boundaries with guilt trips, tantrums, or attempts to manipulate. Know that this is just a default self-protective behavior, and not a sign that you’ve actually done something wrong. Don’t engage in arguments or try to change your elderly relative—it’s a waste of energy. Instead, calmly restate your boundaries when they’re crossed, and, if necessary, remove yourself physically from the situation. It’s ok to limit your contact, keep visits short, or interact with your relative from a safe emotional distance. Protecting your peace isn’t selfish—it’s essential. You can honor your relationship with an elderly relative while still prioritizing your own wellbeing.
March 12, 2025 at 12:05 PM
psychodynamiccoach.bsky.social
Last week I talked briefly about how parents sometimes use financial support as a way to manipulate and control their adult children.

I want to go into a bit more depth here ⬇️
Last week I talked briefly about how parents sometimes use financial support as a way to manipulate and control their adult children. I want to go into a bit more depth here. Parents who lack emotional maturity often dangle financial assistance in front of their adult children like a carrot, using it to keep those adults tethered to their parents in ways that they believe justify boundary-crossing and inappropriate influence over the adult child’s decisions. They might offer help with rent, tuition, or other expenses, for example, but that “help” always comes with strings attached—demands on the adult child’s time, access to grandchildren, or insistence on specific career or spending choices. The message, whether spoken or unspoken, is clear: “I’ll support you, but only if you live your life on my terms.” And while the support can certainly relieve some financial stress, those “strings” pull the adult child right back into the unhealthy patterns of people-pleasing and self-abandonment they’ve been desperately to break. When I talk about this issue, I typically get responses from parents like: “No way am I writing a blank check to someone who isn’t behaving responsibly with their money.” To these parents, I say this: The reality is that a lot of folks are struggling right now—it’s harder than ever to achieve financial independence from parents. That doesn’t mean your child is irresponsible. That said, you’re not required to trust your adult child, nor are you required to provide them with financial support. Should you choose to, however, that support does not entitle you to extra influence over your adult child’s life. If you’re concerned about how the funds will be used, write your check directly to the landlord or to the utility company—that’s absolutely your prerogative. But making your support contingent upon your adult child’s adherence to your demands is not ok.
March 11, 2025 at 2:18 PM
psychodynamiccoach.bsky.social
The “difficult child” in the family is often just the first one to recognize the dysfunction.

If you were labeled the troublemaker, the sensitive one, or the family problem, consider this ⬇️
The “difficult child” in the family is often just the first one to recognize the dysfunction. If you were labeled the troublemaker, the sensitive one, or the family problem, consider this: Your resistance wasn't the issue—your awareness was. Children who point out unfairness, who question double standards, or who simply refuse to pretend that harmful dynamics are normal often become targets. They're labeled as difficult because they threaten the status quo and reveal the cracks in the family’s carefully crafted facade. This labeling serves a purpose. By positioning you as the problem, the family avoids confronting its actual dysfunction. Your legitimate concerns become “overreactions,” your reasonable requests become “demands,” and your entirely appropriate emotional responses become “drama.” What you experienced wasn't evidence of your deficiency. It was evidence of your clarity. You saw what others couldn't—or wouldn't—see, and you had the courage to name it.
March 7, 2025 at 12:28 PM
psychodynamiccoach.bsky.social
If you grew up in a family in which basic boundaries weren’t respected, it’s likely that you struggle with people-pleasing and poor boundaries as an adult.

As you unlearn those patterns, here are some simple boundaries to consider establishing in your friendships ⬇️
If you grew up in a family in which basic boundaries weren’t respected, it’s likely that you struggle with people-pleasing and poor boundaries as an adult. As you work toward unlearning your people-pleasing patterns and building healthier relationships, here are some simple boundaries to consider establishing in your friendships. (Gentle reminder that boundaries are commitments to yourself, not rules for other people.) 1. Time boundaries: “I will say ‘no’ to plans when they don’t align with my needs or I don’t have the mental and emotional energy to enjoy them.” 2. Emotional labor: “I will not accept responsibility for managing my friends’ emotions or solving their problems.” 3. Financial boundaries: “I will not lend money to or spend money on my friends unless a) I genuinely want to, and b) I can afford it.” 4. Personal space: “I will decline physical affection when it isn’t comfortable for me, and I will ask for alone time when I need it.” 5. Communication boundaries: “I will respond to communication within a timeframe that is reasonable, given my other responsibilities.” 6. Opinion boundaries: “I will respectfully disagree with my friends when our beliefs differ—not hold my tongue.” 7. Privacy: “I will share as much information with my friends as I feel comfortable sharing.” Remember, in healthy friendships, boundaries are respected. Your boundaries allow you to build relationships based on trust and authenticity—not obligation and resentment. Your needs and your comfort matter just as much as your friends’.
March 6, 2025 at 12:41 PM
psychodynamiccoach.bsky.social
I recently shared three examples of “basic boundaries” that are often crossed in families with emotionally immature parents.

Here are some more ⬇️
I recently shared three examples of “basic boundaries” that are often crossed in families with emotionally immature parents. Here are some more: 1. Emotional dumping: Simply stated, an adult child is not an appropriate substitute for a therapist. 2. Prying into finances: Lots of parents feel entitled to details about their adult child’s financial situation. Your finances are your business, even if your parents are still providing you with some support. 3. Time and availability: You’re not obligated to be available 24/7 for your family or for anyone. It’s ok to set limits on the frequency and duration of calls or visits. 4. Physical boundaries: Unwanted hugs, kisses, or other physical contact are never ok, even from parents. 5. Digital boundaries: Unfettered access to what you share on social media—especially if your profiles are private—is a privilege, not a right. You can absolutely choose to share or not share certain aspects of your life with your parents. 6. Relationship boundaries: Your love life is your own business. Parents don’t get to dictate who you date or how you conduct yourself in relationships. Remember, boundaries aren’t about punishing or “managing” your parents. They’re about creating healthier, more respectful relationships. Your privacy and autonomy matter.
March 4, 2025 at 1:19 PM