5 Second Film Reviews
@opusga.bsky.social
Concise film reviews (mostly). Watching a lot of bad films so you don't have to.
🎬 Interesting. Parts are still photos with directorial narration to fill in the scenes that weren’t filmed due to River dying.
Decent thriller. Nothing new or groundbreaking but fairly solid. River did a nice job as the bad guy making him just a normal slightly screwed up dude not "EVIL".
Decent thriller. Nothing new or groundbreaking but fairly solid. River did a nice job as the bad guy making him just a normal slightly screwed up dude not "EVIL".
Dark Blood (2012) ⭐ 6.3 | Thriller
1h 26m | TV-PG
www.imdb.com
December 2, 2025 at 12:04 AM
🎬 Interesting. Parts are still photos with directorial narration to fill in the scenes that weren’t filmed due to River dying.
Decent thriller. Nothing new or groundbreaking but fairly solid. River did a nice job as the bad guy making him just a normal slightly screwed up dude not "EVIL".
Decent thriller. Nothing new or groundbreaking but fairly solid. River did a nice job as the bad guy making him just a normal slightly screwed up dude not "EVIL".
🎬 Well this was ridiculous but a lot of fun.
Rawhead Rex (1986) ⭐ 5.2 | Fantasy, Horror, Mystery
1h 29m | R
www.imdb.com
December 1, 2025 at 4:24 PM
🎬 Well this was ridiculous but a lot of fun.
🎬 Well this didn’t go where I expected it to go and because of that it was pretty good. It could have reached greatness by adding 30+ minutes to flush out some interesting subplots and characters.
If you are in the mood for a psycho-thriller this one will certainly do the job.
If you are in the mood for a psycho-thriller this one will certainly do the job.
Dream House (2011) ⭐ 6.0 | Drama, Mystery, Thriller
1h 32m | PG-13
www.imdb.com
November 30, 2025 at 11:10 PM
🎬 Well this didn’t go where I expected it to go and because of that it was pretty good. It could have reached greatness by adding 30+ minutes to flush out some interesting subplots and characters.
If you are in the mood for a psycho-thriller this one will certainly do the job.
If you are in the mood for a psycho-thriller this one will certainly do the job.
🎬 The 80’s - just a great decade for hard boiled cop movies. Decent interplay between the leads and the Dirty Harry magnum gun sound = fun and totally 80’s.
Best Seller (1987) ⭐ 6.4 | Action, Crime, Drama
1h 35m | R
www.imdb.com
November 29, 2025 at 3:44 PM
🎬 The 80’s - just a great decade for hard boiled cop movies. Decent interplay between the leads and the Dirty Harry magnum gun sound = fun and totally 80’s.
🎬 Part Towering Inferno - part Die Hard with a side of pandering to the Chinese market. Fun actioner where the Rock delivers his Rockness with compassion and caring for his family that is in danger. Fun but average.
Skyscraper (2018) ⭐ 5.8 | Action, Adventure, Thriller
1h 42m | PG-13
www.imdb.com
November 28, 2025 at 9:58 PM
🎬 Part Towering Inferno - part Die Hard with a side of pandering to the Chinese market. Fun actioner where the Rock delivers his Rockness with compassion and caring for his family that is in danger. Fun but average.
🎬 Man this movie still holds up and it’s all due to the performances of Caan and Bates. Just phenomenal.
Misery (1990) ⭐ 7.8 | Drama, Thriller
1h 47m | R
www.imdb.com
November 28, 2025 at 3:17 PM
🎬 Man this movie still holds up and it’s all due to the performances of Caan and Bates. Just phenomenal.
🎬 Decided to dig out an absolute classic before she could watch the new one (which I haven't seen yet) My daughter said it wasn’t as good as Airplane! But I love it. Good clean love... without utensils.
The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988) ⭐ 7.6 | Comedy, Crime
1h 25m | PG-13
www.imdb.com
November 28, 2025 at 1:02 AM
🎬 Decided to dig out an absolute classic before she could watch the new one (which I haven't seen yet) My daughter said it wasn’t as good as Airplane! But I love it. Good clean love... without utensils.
🎬 Fast paced dialogue driven piece of gay friends slinging insults at each other as they talk about their lives until a straight friend shows up. Because this was closeted NYC everything derails as he crushes the mood with homophobia which casts a pall that snowballs over the event.
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The Boys in the Band (1970) ⭐ 7.6 | Drama
2h | R
www.imdb.com
November 27, 2025 at 9:45 PM
🎬 Fast paced dialogue driven piece of gay friends slinging insults at each other as they talk about their lives until a straight friend shows up. Because this was closeted NYC everything derails as he crushes the mood with homophobia which casts a pall that snowballs over the event.
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🎬 Tucker and Dale it isn’t. I feel bad for Eli Craig - he probably peaked with his first film.
This has its moments but overall it’s fairly forgettable, yet mostly fun in the moment.
This has its moments but overall it’s fairly forgettable, yet mostly fun in the moment.
Little Evil (2017) ⭐ 5.7 | Comedy, Fantasy, Horror
1h 34m | TV-MA
www.imdb.com
November 27, 2025 at 12:21 AM
🎬 Tucker and Dale it isn’t. I feel bad for Eli Craig - he probably peaked with his first film.
This has its moments but overall it’s fairly forgettable, yet mostly fun in the moment.
This has its moments but overall it’s fairly forgettable, yet mostly fun in the moment.
🎬 Well this was actually better than it should have been. Sure brought the video game back for me. Really great CGI and the performances were all in.
Rampage (2018) ⭐ 6.1 | Action, Adventure, Sci-Fi
1h 47m | PG-13
www.imdb.com
November 23, 2025 at 5:32 AM
🎬 Well this was actually better than it should have been. Sure brought the video game back for me. Really great CGI and the performances were all in.
🎬 Watched this the other night while working late.
Let’s face it. It sucks. It’s a disjointed mess. That being said it has some moments all through the sheer joy Dean Cameron brings to being a dick. He’s genuinely fun to watch.
Let’s face it. It sucks. It’s a disjointed mess. That being said it has some moments all through the sheer joy Dean Cameron brings to being a dick. He’s genuinely fun to watch.
Ski School (1991) ⭐ 4.9 | Comedy, Sport
1h 35m | R
www.imdb.com
November 22, 2025 at 4:22 PM
🎬 Watched this the other night while working late.
Let’s face it. It sucks. It’s a disjointed mess. That being said it has some moments all through the sheer joy Dean Cameron brings to being a dick. He’s genuinely fun to watch.
Let’s face it. It sucks. It’s a disjointed mess. That being said it has some moments all through the sheer joy Dean Cameron brings to being a dick. He’s genuinely fun to watch.
🎬 This was good. Not great, just good. Not sure why it wasn’t better other than maybe it felt rushed? With mobster films the rise to power is generally the most interesting part, but they skipped that here for more of a focus on the ladies interpersonal lives and their families.
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The Kitchen (2019) ⭐ 5.6 | Action, Crime, Drama
1h 42m | R
www.imdb.com
November 21, 2025 at 9:14 PM
🎬 This was good. Not great, just good. Not sure why it wasn’t better other than maybe it felt rushed? With mobster films the rise to power is generally the most interesting part, but they skipped that here for more of a focus on the ladies interpersonal lives and their families.
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🎬 So this... was not good. And it has nothing to do with me hating powerful women in action rolls and everything to do with Elizabeth Banks no matter what she says.
Now is it as bad as the reviews stated? No.
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Now is it as bad as the reviews stated? No.
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Charlie's Angels (2019) ⭐ 5.0 | Action, Adventure, Comedy
1h 58m | PG-13
www.imdb.com
November 21, 2025 at 8:19 PM
🎬 So this... was not good. And it has nothing to do with me hating powerful women in action rolls and everything to do with Elizabeth Banks no matter what she says.
Now is it as bad as the reviews stated? No.
continued...
Now is it as bad as the reviews stated? No.
continued...
🎬 So I read an article about this being the scariest movie per having people hooked up to heart monitors and such.
Wouldn’t say it’s anywhere near the scariest but it was damn good. Not shocked at all that Derrickson made it since Exorcism of Emily Rose was pretty good and Dr. Strange was awesome.
Wouldn’t say it’s anywhere near the scariest but it was damn good. Not shocked at all that Derrickson made it since Exorcism of Emily Rose was pretty good and Dr. Strange was awesome.
Sinister (2012) ⭐ 6.8 | Horror, Mystery, Thriller
1h 50m | R
www.imdb.com
November 21, 2025 at 5:32 AM
🎬 So I read an article about this being the scariest movie per having people hooked up to heart monitors and such.
Wouldn’t say it’s anywhere near the scariest but it was damn good. Not shocked at all that Derrickson made it since Exorcism of Emily Rose was pretty good and Dr. Strange was awesome.
Wouldn’t say it’s anywhere near the scariest but it was damn good. Not shocked at all that Derrickson made it since Exorcism of Emily Rose was pretty good and Dr. Strange was awesome.
🎬 Objectively terrible yet absolutely fantastic. Proving once more that the 80’s was the best decade for film ever.
Has an Eric Estrada Japanese look alike with a chin that could take out Bruce Campbell.
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Has an Eric Estrada Japanese look alike with a chin that could take out Bruce Campbell.
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Sword of Heaven (1985) ⭐ 6.2 | Action, Adventure, Crime
1h 25m | R
www.imdb.com
November 20, 2025 at 11:42 PM
🎬 Objectively terrible yet absolutely fantastic. Proving once more that the 80’s was the best decade for film ever.
Has an Eric Estrada Japanese look alike with a chin that could take out Bruce Campbell.
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Has an Eric Estrada Japanese look alike with a chin that could take out Bruce Campbell.
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🎬 This was excellent and very in the vein of the Others and Haunting of Bly Manor. Highly recommend.
The Orphanage (2007) ⭐ 7.4 | Drama, Horror, Mystery
1h 45m | R
www.imdb.com
November 20, 2025 at 6:06 AM
🎬 This was excellent and very in the vein of the Others and Haunting of Bly Manor. Highly recommend.
🎬 Sigh... it’s just too busy. Everything about it is too busy. The graphics are too busy, the action is too busy... it creates this blur of not knowing what the hell is going on. Characters are underused - Marky Mark is sleepwalking as usual. Just not good and not really even much fun.
Transformers: The Last Knight (2017) ⭐ 5.2 | Action, Adventure, Comedy
2h 34m | PG-13
www.imdb.com
November 19, 2025 at 11:58 PM
🎬 Sigh... it’s just too busy. Everything about it is too busy. The graphics are too busy, the action is too busy... it creates this blur of not knowing what the hell is going on. Characters are underused - Marky Mark is sleepwalking as usual. Just not good and not really even much fun.
🎬 Unlike Last Knight this was pretty great. Love the more simplistic 80’s robot models. This removed the serious tone (almost too much) and replaced it with fun. It was a blast to watch - major problems with plot and consistency, but fun none the less.
Bumblebee (2018) ⭐ 6.7 | Action, Adventure, Sci-Fi
1h 54m | PG-13
www.imdb.com
November 19, 2025 at 5:33 AM
🎬 Unlike Last Knight this was pretty great. Love the more simplistic 80’s robot models. This removed the serious tone (almost too much) and replaced it with fun. It was a blast to watch - major problems with plot and consistency, but fun none the less.
🎬 Mediocre pg-13 garbage.
The better film is she finds out everyone she takes a picture of dies and so she becomes a high priced contract killer who the government is after. That’s the much better movie.
The better film is she finds out everyone she takes a picture of dies and so she becomes a high priced contract killer who the government is after. That’s the much better movie.
Polaroid (2019) ⭐ 5.2 | Drama, Horror, Mystery
1h 28m | PG-13
www.imdb.com
November 19, 2025 at 1:13 AM
🎬 Mediocre pg-13 garbage.
The better film is she finds out everyone she takes a picture of dies and so she becomes a high priced contract killer who the government is after. That’s the much better movie.
The better film is she finds out everyone she takes a picture of dies and so she becomes a high priced contract killer who the government is after. That’s the much better movie.
🎬 HELL YEAH! Basically a female punisher movie. Kicks serious ass! Garner channels her old Alias role and turns it up a few notches. Totally worth seeing if women kicking ass is your thing.
Peppermint (2018) ⭐ 6.5 | Action, Thriller
1h 41m | R
www.imdb.com
November 18, 2025 at 9:42 PM
🎬 HELL YEAH! Basically a female punisher movie. Kicks serious ass! Garner channels her old Alias role and turns it up a few notches. Totally worth seeing if women kicking ass is your thing.
🎬 Seagal isn’t dubbed and does his own fight scenes. It’s also not incredibly stupid (it IS stupid just not incredibly so).
Anthony Anderson is actually the shining star here. He’s always funny.
Anthony Anderson is actually the shining star here. He’s always funny.
Exit Wounds (2001) ⭐ 5.6 | Action, Crime, Thriller
1h 41m | R
www.imdb.com
November 18, 2025 at 5:21 PM
🎬 Seagal isn’t dubbed and does his own fight scenes. It’s also not incredibly stupid (it IS stupid just not incredibly so).
Anthony Anderson is actually the shining star here. He’s always funny.
Anthony Anderson is actually the shining star here. He’s always funny.
🎬 Its clear he isn’t doing any of his fights. Action scenes from 3 other movies (NOT Seagal movies) have been spliced in. The plot is ridiculous with so many holes and dead ends - including the very end which has him give a necklace to a girl who’s never been seen before. Super super bad.
Today You Die (Video 2005) ⭐ 4.1 | Action, Crime, Thriller
1h 30m | R
www.imdb.com
November 18, 2025 at 6:13 AM
🎬 Its clear he isn’t doing any of his fights. Action scenes from 3 other movies (NOT Seagal movies) have been spliced in. The plot is ridiculous with so many holes and dead ends - including the very end which has him give a necklace to a girl who’s never been seen before. Super super bad.
🎬 This is a better outing with Seagal actually doing his own fights - but Undercover Brother is the bad guy and I just can’t - he’s too funny to take seriously. Machete makes an appearance and doesn’t text.
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Urban Justice (Video 2007) ⭐ 5.1 | Action, Crime, Thriller
1h 36m | R
www.imdb.com
November 17, 2025 at 10:24 PM
🎬 This is a better outing with Seagal actually doing his own fights - but Undercover Brother is the bad guy and I just can’t - he’s too funny to take seriously. Machete makes an appearance and doesn’t text.
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🎬 Holy shit. His first line of the movie is dubbed. He disappeared for almost 15 minutes to have a fight in a store only to be dubbed again.
In between was tons of stock footage of planes.
Actually I think half this movie is stock footage.
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In between was tons of stock footage of planes.
Actually I think half this movie is stock footage.
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Flight of Fury (Video 2007) ⭐ 3.4 | Action, Thriller
1h 38m | R
www.imdb.com
November 17, 2025 at 5:19 PM
🎬 Holy shit. His first line of the movie is dubbed. He disappeared for almost 15 minutes to have a fight in a store only to be dubbed again.
In between was tons of stock footage of planes.
Actually I think half this movie is stock footage.
continued...
In between was tons of stock footage of planes.
Actually I think half this movie is stock footage.
continued...