my biggest 2024 breakthrough: discovering that scarecrows aren't real. crops are just SO much easier to steal now. i used to pull up one or two turnips and run off, but i'm not scared anymore. the only challenge ahead of me in 2025 is to keep from eating so many turnips i give myself a stomach ache

I was in a store yesterday and a woman collapsed and hit her head on a shelf, cutting her head open. We stopped the bleeding while the clerk called 911. When the ambulance showed up, the woman didn’t want to go to the hospital at first bc she was worried about the cost. Picture unrelated.

if healthcare companies didn't have shareholder conferences a man would still be alive today. makes you think.

Sorry I’m just going to call posts on here tweets

having exactly (1) day out of the year where every amateur chef in America attempts to cook a giant bird and not fuck it up is, honestly, a wonderful and hilarious tradition

if your rear window tint has a bunch of air bubbles you cannot fly past me on the freeway like 30 over, there’s no way you’re affording the ticket bro please stop

joined blue sky purely to hate larger trucks because one blocked me in at McDonald’s