Not The News
@not-the-news.bsky.social
Parody account for UK and global news
US is holding talks with Hamas officials, says the White House.
A spokesperson said “We’ve reached an agreement. For every hostage they release, we give 4 of them 20 mins poolside at the Trump Hotel opening in the Gaza Riviera in 2027, beverages not included”.
A spokesperson said “We’ve reached an agreement. For every hostage they release, we give 4 of them 20 mins poolside at the Trump Hotel opening in the Gaza Riviera in 2027, beverages not included”.
US holding ‘ongoing talks’ with Hamas officials, White House confirms
US holding ‘ongoing talks’ with Hamas officials, White House confirms
The White House press secretary, Karoline Leavitt, confirms talks but declines to provide details
US officials have held “ongoing talks and discussions” with Hamas officials, the White House press secretary, Karoline Leavitt, confirmed on Wednesday.…
www.theguardian.com
March 5, 2025 at 7:55 PM
US is holding talks with Hamas officials, says the White House.
A spokesperson said “We’ve reached an agreement. For every hostage they release, we give 4 of them 20 mins poolside at the Trump Hotel opening in the Gaza Riviera in 2027, beverages not included”.
A spokesperson said “We’ve reached an agreement. For every hostage they release, we give 4 of them 20 mins poolside at the Trump Hotel opening in the Gaza Riviera in 2027, beverages not included”.
A scientific study claiming that rodents perform CPR on each other has been blasted by a left-wing think tank for not considering the possibility that the rats were in fact engaging in unsolicited sexual assault.
It appears that heroism is not reserved for humans. Scientists have discovered that when one rodent finds another lying unconscious, it does not simply scurry away: it leaps into action, attempting what can only be described as mouse-to-mouse resuscitation
Mice perform ‘first aid’ to revive their stricken companions
www.thetimes.com
March 3, 2025 at 4:37 PM
A scientific study claiming that rodents perform CPR on each other has been blasted by a left-wing think tank for not considering the possibility that the rats were in fact engaging in unsolicited sexual assault.
When pressed by reporters to explain what he meant by a "coalition of willing", Sir Keir Starmer replied "I used #ChatGPT to analyse all of Donald Trump's speeches and tweets, and asked it to give me a euphemism for NATA that I could be sure he wouldn't understand".
UK to defend Ukraine peace deal with 'coalition of willing', Starmer says
UK to defend Ukraine peace deal with 'coalition of willing', Starmer says
Sir Keir Starmer has suggested a coalition of European allies could step up and defend any Ukraine deal to "guarantee the peace".
news.sky.com
March 3, 2025 at 4:33 PM
When pressed by reporters to explain what he meant by a "coalition of willing", Sir Keir Starmer replied "I used #ChatGPT to analyse all of Donald Trump's speeches and tweets, and asked it to give me a euphemism for NATA that I could be sure he wouldn't understand".
Citigroup erroneously credited a client’s account with $81 trillion instead of $280. The error was spotted 90 mins later.
That whirlwind 90 mins is expected to be made into a movie told from the point of view of the account holder, and called Brewster’s Trillions.
That whirlwind 90 mins is expected to be made into a movie told from the point of view of the account holder, and called Brewster’s Trillions.
FT Exclusive: The error was missed by two staff before a third employee caught the payment 90 minutes after it was posted. www.ft.com/content/9921...
February 28, 2025 at 11:25 AM
Citigroup erroneously credited a client’s account with $81 trillion instead of $280. The error was spotted 90 mins later.
That whirlwind 90 mins is expected to be made into a movie told from the point of view of the account holder, and called Brewster’s Trillions.
That whirlwind 90 mins is expected to be made into a movie told from the point of view of the account holder, and called Brewster’s Trillions.
#Meta apologises over flood of gore, violence and dead bodies on Instagram.
“I’m really sorry” said Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg “I was having a bad day”.
“I’m really sorry” said Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg “I was having a bad day”.
Meta apologises over flood of gore, violence and dead bodies on Instagram
Meta apologises over flood of gore, violence and dead bodies on Instagram
Users of Reels report feeds dominated by violent and graphic footage after apparent algorithm malfunction
Mark Zuckerberg’s Meta has apologised after Instagram users were subjected to a flood of violence, gore, animal abuse and dead bodies on their Reels…
www.theguardian.com
February 28, 2025 at 11:17 AM
#Meta apologises over flood of gore, violence and dead bodies on Instagram.
“I’m really sorry” said Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg “I was having a bad day”.
“I’m really sorry” said Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg “I was having a bad day”.
Prime Minister Keir Starmer feels well prepared for his meeting with President Trump at the White House, having received extensive tuition in macho handshake one-upmanship.
February 27, 2025 at 5:44 PM
Prime Minister Keir Starmer feels well prepared for his meeting with President Trump at the White House, having received extensive tuition in macho handshake one-upmanship.
Blue Origin’s next crewed flight mission will carry an all-female crew.
However, it is thought that a male astronaut aboard the ISS Space Station will take over the delicate docking procedure because it requires a reverse parking manoeuvre.
However, it is thought that a male astronaut aboard the ISS Space Station will take over the delicate docking procedure because it requires a reverse parking manoeuvre.
Blue Origin’s next crewed flight mission aboard its tourism rocket, expected to lift off this spring, will carry an all-female crew to space
Katy Perry and Gayle King are among 6 women headed to space aboard New Shepard | CNN
Blue Origin’s next crewed flight mission will carry an all-female crew to space, including singer Katy Perry and journalist Gayle King.
www.cnn.com
February 27, 2025 at 5:40 PM
Blue Origin’s next crewed flight mission will carry an all-female crew.
However, it is thought that a male astronaut aboard the ISS Space Station will take over the delicate docking procedure because it requires a reverse parking manoeuvre.
However, it is thought that a male astronaut aboard the ISS Space Station will take over the delicate docking procedure because it requires a reverse parking manoeuvre.
The Trump administration has ended funding for the UN program fighting HIV/AIDS.
“Just give them all Hydroxychloroquine or bleach or something instead. That’ll work just fine” said Donald Trump when questioned.
“Just give them all Hydroxychloroquine or bleach or something instead. That’ll work just fine” said Donald Trump when questioned.
Trump administration ends funding for UN program fighting HIV/Aids
Trump administration ends funding for UN program fighting HIV/Aids
Peter Marocco sends letter to UNAids terminating US involvement in serious blow to live-saving health service
* US politics live – latest updates
The Trump administration has terminated its funding of the joint United Nations program on HIV/Aids,…
www.theguardian.com
February 27, 2025 at 5:35 PM
The Trump administration has ended funding for the UN program fighting HIV/AIDS.
“Just give them all Hydroxychloroquine or bleach or something instead. That’ll work just fine” said Donald Trump when questioned.
“Just give them all Hydroxychloroquine or bleach or something instead. That’ll work just fine” said Donald Trump when questioned.
In a completely non-suspicious natural event that requires no further investigation, Gene Hackman, his wife, and their dog have all been discovered dead at their home in New Mexico.
Gene Hackman, the intense character actor who won two Oscars in a more than 60-year career, has died alongside his wife, pianist Betsy Arakawa, and their dog at home, the sheriff's office in Santa Fe, New Mexico, said reut.rs/4h8hLYI
February 27, 2025 at 10:38 AM
In a completely non-suspicious natural event that requires no further investigation, Gene Hackman, his wife, and their dog have all been discovered dead at their home in New Mexico.
The transport secretary will approve the 2nd Gatwick runway if measures to reduce noise are put in place.
"Aeroplane noise reduction is top of my list" said Louise Haigh. "I can't stand those earbuds that leak tinny sound into the cabin, no more eating crisps, and no kids under the age of 2".
"Aeroplane noise reduction is top of my list" said Louise Haigh. "I can't stand those earbuds that leak tinny sound into the cabin, no more eating crisps, and no kids under the age of 2".
February 27, 2025 at 10:36 AM
The transport secretary will approve the 2nd Gatwick runway if measures to reduce noise are put in place.
"Aeroplane noise reduction is top of my list" said Louise Haigh. "I can't stand those earbuds that leak tinny sound into the cabin, no more eating crisps, and no kids under the age of 2".
"Aeroplane noise reduction is top of my list" said Louise Haigh. "I can't stand those earbuds that leak tinny sound into the cabin, no more eating crisps, and no kids under the age of 2".
"I don’t want it to be removed." said Derek Harris about the last K6 red phone box in his village. "I mean, where else am I going to pee on the way home from the pub?".
‘I don’t want it to die’: one man’s battle to save the last phone box in his village
‘I don’t want it to die’: one man’s battle to save the last phone box in his village
In 1935, Derek Harris was born – and so was the K6 red phone box. Now, Harris is spending his 90th year ensuring this beloved local facility isn’t lost
www.theguardian.com
February 27, 2025 at 10:33 AM
"I don’t want it to be removed." said Derek Harris about the last K6 red phone box in his village. "I mean, where else am I going to pee on the way home from the pub?".
A study has found that a total collapse of vital Atlantic currents is unlikely this century.
"It could be a 99% collapse though, so..." added the lead scientist on the project.
"It could be a 99% collapse though, so..." added the lead scientist on the project.
Total collapse of vital Atlantic currents unlikely this century, study finds
Total collapse of vital Atlantic currents unlikely this century, study finds
Climate scientists caution, however, that even weakened currents would cause profound harm to humanity
Vital Atlantic Ocean currents are unlikely to completely collapse this century, according to a study, but scientists say a severe weakening remains…
www.theguardian.com
February 26, 2025 at 4:19 PM
A study has found that a total collapse of vital Atlantic currents is unlikely this century.
"It could be a 99% collapse though, so..." added the lead scientist on the project.
"It could be a 99% collapse though, so..." added the lead scientist on the project.
Births in #SouthKorea increased in 2024 for the first time in more than a decade, helping to mitigate a demographic crisis.
"This is welcome news" said a government official. "It seems as if our policy for distributing free porn and discounted alcohol is working".
"This is welcome news" said a government official. "It seems as if our policy for distributing free porn and discounted alcohol is working".
The number of births in South Korea rose last year for the first time in more than a decade on the back of a rise in marriages, bucking a trend for a country battling a demographic crisis.
https://u.afp.com/SJLp
https://u.afp.com/SJLp
February 26, 2025 at 12:46 PM
Births in #SouthKorea increased in 2024 for the first time in more than a decade, helping to mitigate a demographic crisis.
"This is welcome news" said a government official. "It seems as if our policy for distributing free porn and discounted alcohol is working".
"This is welcome news" said a government official. "It seems as if our policy for distributing free porn and discounted alcohol is working".
More than 1,000 musicians have released a lyric-less album to protest use of A.I. in music production.
Ironically, they are now being sued for breach of copyright by the estate of 𝐉𝐨𝐡𝐧 𝐂𝐚𝐠𝐞, composer of the 1952 soundless piece called 4'33".
Ironically, they are now being sued for breach of copyright by the estate of 𝐉𝐨𝐡𝐧 𝐂𝐚𝐠𝐞, composer of the 1952 soundless piece called 4'33".
More than 1,000 musicians — including Hans Zimmer, Billy Ocean and Kate Bush — released a lyric-less album on Tuesday to protest the British government’s proposal to expand the ways that developers can use copyright-protected works to train A.I. models.
Their Album Is Wordless. Will Their Protest Against A.I. Resound?
Musicians including Kate Bush and Billy Ocean released a “silent record” in outrage at a proposed change to British copyright law.
www.nytimes.com
February 26, 2025 at 12:41 PM
More than 1,000 musicians have released a lyric-less album to protest use of A.I. in music production.
Ironically, they are now being sued for breach of copyright by the estate of 𝐉𝐨𝐡𝐧 𝐂𝐚𝐠𝐞, composer of the 1952 soundless piece called 4'33".
Ironically, they are now being sued for breach of copyright by the estate of 𝐉𝐨𝐡𝐧 𝐂𝐚𝐠𝐞, composer of the 1952 soundless piece called 4'33".
Australian man complains that Qatar Airways crew placed a dead passenger in an empty seat next to him.
"I was mostly annoyed because the deceased was from 𝘌𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘰𝘮𝘺 but I'd paid for 𝘗𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘪𝘶𝘮 𝘌𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘰𝘮𝘺" said the man.
"I was mostly annoyed because the deceased was from 𝘌𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘰𝘮𝘺 but I'd paid for 𝘗𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘪𝘶𝘮 𝘌𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘰𝘮𝘺" said the man.
Australian man describes his shock after Qatar Airways crew placed the body of a passenger who had collapsed and died on the flight in an empty seat next to him
Passenger forced to sit next to corpse on long-haul flight
www.thetimes.com
February 26, 2025 at 12:37 PM
Australian man complains that Qatar Airways crew placed a dead passenger in an empty seat next to him.
"I was mostly annoyed because the deceased was from 𝘌𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘰𝘮𝘺 but I'd paid for 𝘗𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘪𝘶𝘮 𝘌𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘰𝘮𝘺" said the man.
"I was mostly annoyed because the deceased was from 𝘌𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘰𝘮𝘺 but I'd paid for 𝘗𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘪𝘶𝘮 𝘌𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘰𝘮𝘺" said the man.
After scientists claimed to have invented a nuclear battery that turns atomic waste into electric, the researchers issued the following:
"I'm so sorry. It turns out we'd missed out a decimal point. Actually, it turns electricity into atomic waste which, to be honest, makes much more sense".
"I'm so sorry. It turns out we'd missed out a decimal point. Actually, it turns electricity into atomic waste which, to be honest, makes much more sense".
Scientists invent nuclear battery that turns atomic waste into electricity
Scientists invent nuclear battery that runs for decades on atomic waste
Breakthrough technology promises decades of uninterrupted power
www.independent.co.uk
February 26, 2025 at 11:08 AM
After scientists claimed to have invented a nuclear battery that turns atomic waste into electric, the researchers issued the following:
"I'm so sorry. It turns out we'd missed out a decimal point. Actually, it turns electricity into atomic waste which, to be honest, makes much more sense".
"I'm so sorry. It turns out we'd missed out a decimal point. Actually, it turns electricity into atomic waste which, to be honest, makes much more sense".
#Apple has promised to fix the bug in iPhone speech-to-text glitch which interprets 'racist' as 'Trump'.
Their CTO said "It's not actually a bug, it's working perfectly fine. But, whatever".
Their CTO said "It's not actually a bug, it's working perfectly fine. But, whatever".
Apple fixing bug in iPhone speech-to-text glitch which interprets 'racist' as 'Trump'
Apple fixing bug in iPhone speech-to-text glitch which interprets 'racist' as 'Trump'
Apple says it is repairing a glitch with its speech-to-text feature on iPhones which interprets the word "racist" as "Trump" before autocorrecting itself.
news.sky.com
February 26, 2025 at 11:06 AM
#Apple has promised to fix the bug in iPhone speech-to-text glitch which interprets 'racist' as 'Trump'.
Their CTO said "It's not actually a bug, it's working perfectly fine. But, whatever".
Their CTO said "It's not actually a bug, it's working perfectly fine. But, whatever".
Aston Martin is cutting 5% of its workforce after losses widened in 2024.
"It's not that people aren't buying new cars" said the company's Head of Sales. "What's really hurting us is that there hasn't been a new Bond movie since 2021".
"It's not that people aren't buying new cars" said the company's Head of Sales. "What's really hurting us is that there hasn't been a new Bond movie since 2021".
Aston Martin is cutting 5 per cent of its workforce after losses widened by a fifth last year and it sold fewer cars than in 2023 https://bit.ly/4hT4VP6
February 26, 2025 at 11:04 AM
Aston Martin is cutting 5% of its workforce after losses widened in 2024.
"It's not that people aren't buying new cars" said the company's Head of Sales. "What's really hurting us is that there hasn't been a new Bond movie since 2021".
"It's not that people aren't buying new cars" said the company's Head of Sales. "What's really hurting us is that there hasn't been a new Bond movie since 2021".
BP is increasing its oil & gas investment.
"Look, we all want to save the planet and stuff" said the company's CEO "But how else is the board going to be able to afford to get a new supercar before Easter?"
"Look, we all want to save the planet and stuff" said the company's CEO "But how else is the board going to be able to afford to get a new supercar before Easter?"
BP to increase oil and gas investment despite pace of global warming
BP to increase oil and gas investment despite pace of global warming
Oil and gas giant BP has again slashed its renewable energy investment and announced more funding for fossil fuel production.
news.sky.com
February 26, 2025 at 11:01 AM
BP is increasing its oil & gas investment.
"Look, we all want to save the planet and stuff" said the company's CEO "But how else is the board going to be able to afford to get a new supercar before Easter?"
"Look, we all want to save the planet and stuff" said the company's CEO "But how else is the board going to be able to afford to get a new supercar before Easter?"
Elon Musk will attend the first cabinet meeting, but only because he told Donald Trump that he’d be bringing donuts.
Elon Musk - who is not a secretary - will attend the first Trump cabinet meeting, White House says
Musk will attend the first Trump cabinet meeting, White House says
The billionaire is leading the Department of Government Efficiency in dismantling federal agencies
www.independent.co.uk
February 25, 2025 at 6:54 PM
Elon Musk will attend the first cabinet meeting, but only because he told Donald Trump that he’d be bringing donuts.
Starbucks is laying off 1,100 corporate employees.
The employee names were written on redundancy payslips, and then the employees all lined up waiting for their names to be called out.
The employee names were written on redundancy payslips, and then the employees all lined up waiting for their names to be called out.
Starbucks is laying off 1,100 corporate employees, its chief executive said in a letter to workers on Monday - NYT
February 25, 2025 at 7:31 AM
Starbucks is laying off 1,100 corporate employees.
The employee names were written on redundancy payslips, and then the employees all lined up waiting for their names to be called out.
The employee names were written on redundancy payslips, and then the employees all lined up waiting for their names to be called out.
Researchers say Mars once had an ocean with sandy beaches. There is even evidence of dilapidated Trump Hotel signage and an overpriced golf course.
Mars once had an ocean with sandy beaches, researchers say
Mars once had an ocean with sandy beaches, researchers say
China’s Zhurong rover finds evidence of shoreline buried deep underground
Mars may not seem like a prime holiday spot with its arid landscape and punishing radiation levels, but it once boasted beaches, researchers have found.
While previous discoveries…
www.theguardian.com
February 25, 2025 at 7:29 AM
Researchers say Mars once had an ocean with sandy beaches. There is even evidence of dilapidated Trump Hotel signage and an overpriced golf course.
Roberta Flack has reportedly has finally been killed softly by her song, inspiring the immediate posthumous release of another song, The Last Time Ever I Saw Your Face.
🔺 BREAKING: Roberta Flack, Killing Me Softly singer, dies aged 88
The R&B vocalist was the first artist to win consecutive Grammy awards for record of the year, including for her hit The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face
The R&B vocalist was the first artist to win consecutive Grammy awards for record of the year, including for her hit The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face
Roberta Flack, Killing Me Softly singer, dies aged 88
www.thetimes.com
February 24, 2025 at 4:15 PM
Roberta Flack has reportedly has finally been killed softly by her song, inspiring the immediate posthumous release of another song, The Last Time Ever I Saw Your Face.
Man airlifted to hospital after being mauled by shark.
In other news, shark airlifted to vets upset stomach after mauling human, but died during airlift as forgot to submerge it in water.
In other news, shark airlifted to vets upset stomach after mauling human, but died during airlift as forgot to submerge it in water.
Man airlifted to hospital after being mauled by shark
Man in 20s rushed to hospital after being mauled by shark off tourist island
A MAN in his 20s has been airlifted to hospital after being attacked by a shark in waters off a popular tourist island. The victim was found suffering from abdominal injuries and deep lacerations t…
www.thesun.co.uk
February 23, 2025 at 9:19 AM
Man airlifted to hospital after being mauled by shark.
In other news, shark airlifted to vets upset stomach after mauling human, but died during airlift as forgot to submerge it in water.
In other news, shark airlifted to vets upset stomach after mauling human, but died during airlift as forgot to submerge it in water.
A new reports finds the fire service is institutionally racist.
“We’re sick of fires being described as white hot. What about black hot? Or better still , just hot?” said a DEI activist group.
“We’re sick of fires being described as white hot. What about black hot? Or better still , just hot?” said a DEI activist group.
Fire service blasted as 'institutionally racist' as report declares firemen 'too white' and 'too male'
Fire service blasted as 'institutionally racist' as report declares firemen 'too white' and 'too male'
The service has been described as 'institutionally racist, misogynistic and homophobic'
www.gbnews.com
February 23, 2025 at 9:13 AM
A new reports finds the fire service is institutionally racist.
“We’re sick of fires being described as white hot. What about black hot? Or better still , just hot?” said a DEI activist group.
“We’re sick of fires being described as white hot. What about black hot? Or better still , just hot?” said a DEI activist group.