I'm totally done with X/Twitter. I will still be doing my banking there, though.

Broke up with the guy who’s in charge of the doomsday clock last night, if you see it’s at midnight anytime soon don’t give it too much thought

I saved this on my phone so I can look at it and feel calm whenever I want

Asking flava flav to draw a clock and he keeps slyly glancing down for reference

Can't have it both ways, if the government is going to make me do my own taxes they should live with the number I come up with. Don't come back to me later like "Actually,"

Didn't know jolly rancher had expanded to jelly beans and now I think they need to just scrap everything they've ever done so far and focus on the future. 4/5, a few more flavors and we're talking a perfect treat here

ok time to log on to the information superhighway and use my little ape brain to process the individual traumas of 8 billion people at once this will be fine

When I was younger I thought summoning demons would be fucking rad but it turns out it's just so you can do scam phone calls and sell bogus furniture? Why are we allowing our warlocks to be this lame?

My wife just told me I'm too old to listen to Nas, which is how I found out she does not know who Nas is.

Our Hoya plant finally bloomed after 5 years of waiting 🌱