Mustard Glaze
@mustardglaze.bsky.social
Former young person. Future old person. Also future dead person. Also former non-existent person.
Reposted by Mustard Glaze
Man Dies After Secret 4-Year Battle With Gorilla https://theonion.com/man-dies-after-secret-4-year-battle-with-gorilla-1819571099/
October 23, 2025 at 10:00 PM
Man Dies After Secret 4-Year Battle With Gorilla https://theonion.com/man-dies-after-secret-4-year-battle-with-gorilla-1819571099/
There's never been a better time to be a handwriting expert.
September 10, 2025 at 4:13 PM
There's never been a better time to be a handwriting expert.
Double standards. Everyone agrees that a man's nipple are useless. Yet, if I had mine removed, they'd call me a freak.
September 2, 2025 at 7:07 PM
Double standards. Everyone agrees that a man's nipple are useless. Yet, if I had mine removed, they'd call me a freak.
If you think of raking as combing the grass, it starts to feel even more pointless.
August 31, 2025 at 11:02 AM
If you think of raking as combing the grass, it starts to feel even more pointless.
My number one goal for old age: don't become the old guy who looks like he's always chewing on something.
August 21, 2025 at 7:03 PM
My number one goal for old age: don't become the old guy who looks like he's always chewing on something.
Reposted by Mustard Glaze
Reposted by Mustard Glaze
Man Who Bumped Tesla While Parallel Parking Sentenced To Death
Man Who Bumped Tesla While Parallel Parking Sentenced To Death
WASHINGTON—Warning that even the slightest dent, knick, or scratch would henceforth be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, Attorney General Pam Bondi announced Tuesday that Raymond Pratt, a 5...
theonion.com
April 8, 2025 at 3:01 PM
Man Who Bumped Tesla While Parallel Parking Sentenced To Death
Feeling nostalgic today thinking about how little my kids were the last time the Dow Jones was 37,000.
April 7, 2025 at 3:53 PM
Feeling nostalgic today thinking about how little my kids were the last time the Dow Jones was 37,000.
Reposted by Mustard Glaze
Attention remaining MAGA: please report to your nearest Soylent Green dispensary for further instructions.
March 13, 2025 at 6:44 PM
Attention remaining MAGA: please report to your nearest Soylent Green dispensary for further instructions.
Trump is like an old, fat Harry Ellis trying to apply his MBA to a gun situation.
March 3, 2025 at 5:32 PM
Trump is like an old, fat Harry Ellis trying to apply his MBA to a gun situation.
Reposted by Mustard Glaze
Reposted by Mustard Glaze
“Screaming. A million mouths screaming but also laughing the sky will bleed and there shall be a great flensing a burning away of the flesh it is coming there is no way to stop what is coming.”
February 2, 2025 at 6:39 PM
“Screaming. A million mouths screaming but also laughing the sky will bleed and there shall be a great flensing a burning away of the flesh it is coming there is no way to stop what is coming.”
You booked your rectal exam 2 months ago, and have been dreading it every day since. Now the day is here and there's nothing left to do but go get that finger up there and see what shit falls out.
January 20, 2025 at 6:54 PM
You booked your rectal exam 2 months ago, and have been dreading it every day since. Now the day is here and there's nothing left to do but go get that finger up there and see what shit falls out.
Reposted by Mustard Glaze
Distressing Survey Finds Most U.S. Citizens Unable To Name All 340 Million Americans
theonion.com/distres...
theonion.com/distres...
January 13, 2025 at 8:00 PM
Distressing Survey Finds Most U.S. Citizens Unable To Name All 340 Million Americans
theonion.com/distres...
theonion.com/distres...
We need a song that lists the cities and states that DON'T know how to rock or party so we know where to focus our efforts. There is no higher priority in 2025.
January 13, 2025 at 5:10 PM
We need a song that lists the cities and states that DON'T know how to rock or party so we know where to focus our efforts. There is no higher priority in 2025.
There's a border crisis so let's expand the border by several thousand miles.
January 9, 2025 at 5:08 PM
There's a border crisis so let's expand the border by several thousand miles.
Hey, religious fanatics. Maybe just try jerking off?
January 2, 2025 at 7:12 PM
Hey, religious fanatics. Maybe just try jerking off?
Reposted by Mustard Glaze
Man Says ‘Fuck It,’ Eats Lunch At 10:58 A.M.
theonion.com/man-says-fuc...
theonion.com/man-says-fuc...
December 18, 2024 at 4:57 PM
Man Says ‘Fuck It,’ Eats Lunch At 10:58 A.M.
theonion.com/man-says-fuc...
theonion.com/man-says-fuc...
Reposted by Mustard Glaze
Doctor Warns Of Damaging Effects Child Obesity Having On Mall Santas | Onion Now: Focus
Doctor Warns Of Damaging Effects Child Obesity Having On Mall Santas | Onion Now: Focus
YouTube video by The Onion
www.youtube.com
December 17, 2024 at 6:01 PM
Doctor Warns Of Damaging Effects Child Obesity Having On Mall Santas | Onion Now: Focus
Reposted by Mustard Glaze
Years Of Inbreeding Causes Dog To Birth British Man
theonion.com/years-of-inb...
theonion.com/years-of-inb...
December 12, 2024 at 7:28 PM
Years Of Inbreeding Causes Dog To Birth British Man
theonion.com/years-of-inb...
theonion.com/years-of-inb...
Reposted by Mustard Glaze
Elton John Reveals He Lost Vision From Eye Infection
theonion.com/elton-john-r...
theonion.com/elton-john-r...
December 4, 2024 at 9:14 PM
Elton John Reveals He Lost Vision From Eye Infection
theonion.com/elton-john-r...
theonion.com/elton-john-r...
The real moment America was finished was when Country infiltrated Hip Hop.
December 5, 2024 at 6:00 AM
The real moment America was finished was when Country infiltrated Hip Hop.