Remember third grade dittos that were just 30 math problems like 372x49? Those were fun; they shoud sell them in the checkout line.

"Surely MY new trampoline, in three years, won't be weathered and crusty with neglect, its supporing poles embraced by weeds and vines while various critters nestle inside the foam padding."

-Everyone who just bought a trampoline

If you start a movie on MAX between 7-10pm on a weekend, this should automatically play first:

I didn't draw up a bingo card for 2025, but Elon Musk doing Nazi shit at the inauguration definitely would have been on it.

Is joking about meth in the Sudafed line like joking about bombs at the airport?

I saw the greatest pairing of bumper stickers on an old Volvo: in the top right, there was the standard yellow Student Driver one. The bottom left one read: "IF YOU HONK AT ME I WILL KILL MYSELF."

Old Gregg weirds me out. From the first time a friend showed me on his tiny ancient laptop I had a deep and long-lasting negative reaction to the costume, the lighting, the voice, and everything he says.

I HATE OLD GREGG!

Pasta Roni should adopt as its mascot a tiny horse with dreadlocks: The Pasta Roni Rasta Pony.

How to restore legitimacy to professional boxing: only the winner gets paid. Double for a knockout.

Unsolicited grammar tip from a total amateur who has a few specific pet peeves:

"Everyday" and "every day" mean different things.

"That's not your everyday artichoke" vs "I eat artichokes every day."

I'm real fun at grammar parties.

Red flag phrase from someone who has no idea what they're talking about: "Do your research!"

Unless, of course, it's coming the boss of a science lab.