Kristen Bartlett
@kristenbartlett.bsky.social
TV Writer (current: Amazon Prime, previous: How to Die Alone, Full Frontal with Samantha Bee, Saturday Night Live, ABC, CBS)
Listen, if 20 year old boys were texting in complete sentences with proper punctuation, there wouldn't be a male loneliness epidemic.
September 17, 2025 at 12:00 AM
Listen, if 20 year old boys were texting in complete sentences with proper punctuation, there wouldn't be a male loneliness epidemic.
I'm pretty sure that the only leader who could fix the United States at this point is the CEO who is saving Red Lobster.
June 28, 2025 at 10:57 PM
I'm pretty sure that the only leader who could fix the United States at this point is the CEO who is saving Red Lobster.
One thing that the mainstream media often gets tragically wrong about Kristi Noem is that she also killed a goat.
June 12, 2025 at 11:35 PM
One thing that the mainstream media often gets tragically wrong about Kristi Noem is that she also killed a goat.
“I don’t care about the ones who do it legally.” Ma’am, your son got a DUI on a tractor.
June 12, 2025 at 4:28 PM
“I don’t care about the ones who do it legally.” Ma’am, your son got a DUI on a tractor.
“The hoses aren’t the same as when we were drinking from them.” - My husband, on why our dog can’t have hose water.
June 4, 2025 at 9:55 PM
“The hoses aren’t the same as when we were drinking from them.” - My husband, on why our dog can’t have hose water.
I'm old enough to remember Republicans lying that Obamacare meant "death panels," and then they go out there saying shit like this while cutting healthcare for millions.
Really terrific to hear something like this. Yes, we are all going to die, Joni. But does a two-year-old who has cancer have to die before, say, 54-year-old you?
www.nytimes.com/2025/05/30/u...
www.nytimes.com/2025/05/30/u...
Defending Medicaid Cuts, Ernst Tells Iowans, ‘We All Are Going to Die’
www.nytimes.com
May 30, 2025 at 7:41 PM
I'm old enough to remember Republicans lying that Obamacare meant "death panels," and then they go out there saying shit like this while cutting healthcare for millions.
Reposted by Kristen Bartlett
Bullying is OK — but bullying Kristen is NOT OK 🚫✋
May 30, 2025 at 5:00 PM
Bullying is OK — but bullying Kristen is NOT OK 🚫✋
The same men who say “you don’t know what a woman is” couldn’t find a clit if it was mappable on GPS.
May 29, 2025 at 5:16 PM
The same men who say “you don’t know what a woman is” couldn’t find a clit if it was mappable on GPS.
I love when people say that someone is “unapologetically themselves,” because I am very apologetically myself.
April 17, 2025 at 8:39 PM
I love when people say that someone is “unapologetically themselves,” because I am very apologetically myself.
Pretty soon, Chappell Roan will have enough songs to write Eating Out: The Musical.
March 17, 2025 at 12:37 AM
Pretty soon, Chappell Roan will have enough songs to write Eating Out: The Musical.
The improv bubble bursting five years ago gave birth to the soft men absolutely wrecking themselves in Jubilee videos today.
March 13, 2025 at 10:17 PM
The improv bubble bursting five years ago gave birth to the soft men absolutely wrecking themselves in Jubilee videos today.
The emoji with the biggest red flag is 🚀
March 5, 2025 at 10:45 PM
The emoji with the biggest red flag is 🚀
Reposted by Kristen Bartlett
I’ve started doing something I call “The Delilah Hour” where if I cook an uncomplicated nostalgic dinner while playing 90’s easy listening music from 6:30p-7:30p and it’s lowered my blood pressure by 9 points.
March 4, 2025 at 2:40 AM
I’ve started doing something I call “The Delilah Hour” where if I cook an uncomplicated nostalgic dinner while playing 90’s easy listening music from 6:30p-7:30p and it’s lowered my blood pressure by 9 points.
I have developed a sick addiction to wandering into TikTok lives and listen to panels of the dumbest people alive discuss politics.
February 21, 2025 at 10:10 PM
I have developed a sick addiction to wandering into TikTok lives and listen to panels of the dumbest people alive discuss politics.
Wearing high waters while cutting FEMA.
February 21, 2025 at 3:53 PM
Wearing high waters while cutting FEMA.
Having just a normal day: writing in my little journal, enjoying the sunny California weather, blocking The White House on Facebook.
February 19, 2025 at 11:08 PM
Having just a normal day: writing in my little journal, enjoying the sunny California weather, blocking The White House on Facebook.
They should bring D.A.R.E. back but just show how uncool Elon Musk makes doing drugs look.
February 18, 2025 at 10:01 PM
They should bring D.A.R.E. back but just show how uncool Elon Musk makes doing drugs look.
The only one taking SSRIs in my home right now is my dog, so someday in the future when I say RFK sent him to a farm upstate, I will really mean he went to a farm upstate.
February 15, 2025 at 11:05 PM
The only one taking SSRIs in my home right now is my dog, so someday in the future when I say RFK sent him to a farm upstate, I will really mean he went to a farm upstate.
Well kids, it was 2025, and the President got so mad his football team lost, he decided to get rid of the penny.
February 10, 2025 at 4:21 PM
Well kids, it was 2025, and the President got so mad his football team lost, he decided to get rid of the penny.
That Super Bowl open felt like it was written two months ago based on the assumption that we would’ve just survived a terrorist attack.
February 9, 2025 at 11:16 PM
That Super Bowl open felt like it was written two months ago based on the assumption that we would’ve just survived a terrorist attack.
Just told a friend I was freezing eggs, and he assumed I meant *my* eggs, but no, I meant chicken eggs, because they're more valuable to me now.
February 1, 2025 at 12:17 AM
Just told a friend I was freezing eggs, and he assumed I meant *my* eggs, but no, I meant chicken eggs, because they're more valuable to me now.
Every new thing I see about Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni, it's like... Kim, there's people dying.
January 30, 2025 at 11:50 PM
Every new thing I see about Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni, it's like... Kim, there's people dying.
When people use an AI portrait generator, it's almost always a cry for help.
January 26, 2025 at 11:44 PM
When people use an AI portrait generator, it's almost always a cry for help.
We probably shouldn’t have let all those coaches teach our history classes.
January 25, 2025 at 5:47 AM
We probably shouldn’t have let all those coaches teach our history classes.
If you're curious how America's doing, I just received an email from a period underwear company with the subject line: "Where do we go from here?"
January 21, 2025 at 7:17 PM
If you're curious how America's doing, I just received an email from a period underwear company with the subject line: "Where do we go from here?"