kitchens have too much going on lights, sounds, clanks, boiling, sizzling, smells… not to mention my hands or body jerking could cause an accident

there is just never ending battle between “i am a bad friend” and “other people are bad to me” and that i just keep bouncing between every single living day of my life. i blame my upbringing which feels lazy, but i don’t know how to fix it and i feel like it’s just a part of me now. 8/

I know I’m difficult to be friends, but it’s shit like this that makes me not want to befriend anyone. keep the friends that shit just works with. befriend just autistic ppl. arguments can happen regardless, i’m argumentative but because i’m argumentative people think i suck. 7/

i don’t wanna feel bad for not answering a call. i don’t wanna feel bad hanging out with other people. i don’t wanna feel bad being myself. i don’t like jealousy not even as a joke. i don’t like people misinterpreting me/my tone/body. i hate being autistic it makes friendships fucking difficult. 6/

my best friend said that i’m scared of having best friends and they’re right. i am. i can’t have someone too close to me because our bad sides clash. i don’t like friends having ownership over my life or my decisions i want to be able to do whatever i want. im a selfish person. im selfish. 5/

you have them on retainer because they’re good to you when you’re hurt but you’re not always fucking hurt.
it’s horrible that i think these things about my friends, but i feel like in all of my friendships i’ve always had to adapt to other people and no one has to adapt to me without complaining 4/

get “stuck” in friendships like these
it’s annoying to have to explain and defend my existence because people who are the closest to you will have opinions that they swear no one else will give you, because they “truly know you and truly love you”, but they just hurt you. 3/

it is some chronically online shit that wouldn’t encourage anyone to think, but i couldn’t find appreciation on the outside for myself not even from my friends then. felt like no one will truly love 100% of me and it’s fine but it’s jarring when it’s your closest friends. i feel like autistic ppl 2/

i remember how horrible 2021 was for me mentally
but i had a really peaceful moment when i realized that i didn’t have any local friends, and i could just be my “degen” self. i found comfort in being online all the time bc i was existing as myself, unmasking, actively trying to be more masculine 1/

kinda proves that im not doing it for attention or whatever these fake claimers want to say because they’re worse at home than at school. im like embarrassed and ashamed when i shouldn’t be and neither should anyone but i am lmao 💔