Me: *having just opened a light blue convertible, a deed to a platinum mine, a duplex, some checks, and a ring* oh...

Santa: *exhausted* WHAT?!

Me: No Little Debbie Christmas Tree cakes?

ME: how about we do an unboxing video

PALLBEARER: absolutely not

Me: *slides note across the counter*

Bank Teller: “Give me all the Little Debbie Christmas Tree cakes and no one gets hurt?”

Me: Whoops! Wrong note. That’s... that’s for later. I just need to make a deposit.

Her: Can you get him to stop?

Roomba: *humping her leg*

Me: He must smell your Dyson

As you get older your favorite color changes from what crayon you would draw dinosaurs with, to whatever color hides your fat body the best

Officer: please open your trunk

Me: don’t you need a warrant

Corndogs in my trunk: *muffled corndog noises*

Attendant: Sir, you can’t bring that animal on the plane.

Me: He’s registered I have the paperwork

Attendant: No, I mean he won’t fit.

My Anxiety Elephant: *senses my anxiety*

Me: Turns out there IS a wrong way to enjoy a Reese’s HAHAHA

Proctologist: Hold still please

Me: Don’t you mean “change my underWHEN?”

Fellow time traveler: *leaves me in the Ice Age*

A new social media platform? At MY age?!?