written 11/1/2025, revised 12/1/2025 You scared him so much, Darlin He had to put you in your place. Remind you that The most you could ever mean to him Is fun and memorable times And a warm cushy spot to put his dick in He's not the one for you None of them are You were never meant To be that girl For anyone You were created out of selfishness Never really wanted And so out of selfishness Any affection towards you Will always be. Never ever forget the truth…

If I'm crazy, I'm on my own But I done been known that cos you told me before Even though I just met you We coulda been great Me and you Unstoppable n shit All powerful n shit For good But you too hooked on the sound of you To understand what the fuck I mean Because real partnership is being able to concede That that text you sent gutted me But you put more vulnerability In saying I aint perfect And chose to follow your I'm sorry with a…

Even though I realize you are the Handcock to my Mary...in some of the worst ways possible...I still miss you...and wish there was a way...we could coexist...together...without hurting each other...all because we're both afraid...from our individual years of torment and pain... But some things can never be unsaid...on either one of our ends...You claimed I showed you how I would be when you needed me...as if I had never been there...as if being on the phone everyday for hours and hours...even when we fell asleep...was not me being there for you and your needs...because that ritual was a you thing...Sir...it wasn't what I asked of thee...nor was it what I was comfortable with at first...if we're being honest...cause what's the point of not being honest when you told us how you really feel anyway...

So I wrote this when I was dating someone...and thought he was worth investing my heart in...but turned out he only liked me when I wasn't broken...at least...that's what I got from it...because he basically told me I was broken too much and too often...even though he also had his moments...Why does it always have to be tit for tat...with men who also have had...are having...hard times... Anyway...here it is...because I made it...Though it isn't all currently relevant...most of it is...and I'm honoring my emotions...from the future...the present...and yes...back then...because it's all a part of who I am...and no matter what he or anybody ever says...it is all important...because it took a lot of pain for me to get here...so fuck them and their apathetic opinions…

Realizing that I'm not making excuses, I'm learning how to master the pivot. Maybe I do make excuses sometimes...Yeah...I kinda sorta do allot...Well not allot if you can justify the reason for the pivot...because that's all an excuse is...is a pivot...it's just that you have not figured out the art of communicating your reason(s) for said pivots to others...in a way that they will not only understand...but in a way they will accept...as something more significant than just more excuses...for why you can't give them what they ask for and expect of you...whether or not they clearly explain to you what it is they expect you to do...because all of your relationships that you feel enslavened to...likely purposely in some way shape or form made you believe what you thought to be true...even though they did not clearly communicate to you...what it was...because if it was what it is and you knew it...and you know that what it is is NOT nor has it ever been...for you...you are 1000% confident that you woulda never chosen their requirements for us...because you love us...like really...really...fuckin over the moon and back ride not die...because nobody is dyin here tonight...because we love ourselves...because we are thee...you are me...and I am you.

True Story...I do my cardio in the hot tub at the gym. Apparently, it makes men forget that I don't know them...two of them...one black...one white...were having a conversation...with each other...on either side of me...I was practicing floating...which to the nosey and ignorant eye looks like I am doing expressive dance or practicing for a strip show I guess if that's your preference...either way...it wasn't for them... My entire right side and especially my right shoulder has been tight for weeks...I'm learning how to use my resources to heal myself...I also recently lost 10 more pounds...so strength training is vital and I'm starting to figure that out.

Do you trust your instincts? ...but it's difficult to tell which voice is instinct.. and which voice is just fear...anger...hurt...doubt...it's sometimes so very unclear... But we're learning how to tell the difference...one day...one step...one moment at a time.

It hurts a lot to be this great So if you want me to continue doing the things you claim You need me to do for you Pay me what I'm worth So I can take care of me Cause I'm not dying for any of you Not when I know the feeling is mutual And if you try to make me feel like I'm a bitch for that Then fuck you and your audacity Like I'm stupid or somethin'

Listening to an instrumental meditation playlist, and wanted to remind myself of some things. Initially thought I wanted this to be set to Private...so it would be just for me...But read over it and realized I would rather share and risk it being scrutinized by someone...if there is a chance it could also help somebody with their life journey...because I've been scrutinized and judged and used all my life...but my road to freedom lies in the path of No Fucks Given...we're about love, community, and freedom over here...and besides...I'm tired of being so angry...that shit is heavy.

I love going to Jazz Jam at Takoma Station Tavern...but I fear it at the same time...Not because I don't know how to sing...But because I don't read music...and I'm not so great at keeping time...regarding when someone else solos...and when I do...when they go soft...and I go loud...and vice versa reversed times two... But Takoma Station Tavern...and the House Band...are teaching me that correction doesn't have to be so bad...just because it sounds loud...doesn't mean it's harmful... I have to listen...look...hear...and see...feel...and trust...all the things...they don't really teach us...in this world of mine...ours...theirs...

Don't ask me where I was going with that analogy...my spiral is kicking in and I started dozing while I was texting and listening to him...imagining it's his chest I was lying on...and not this lifeless pillow...

Black people are so exhausted from all of the emotional energy spent watching everyone who keeps asking "How did we get here,"...as if this is not who America has always been...My mother's family couldn't go Trick or Treating at night...because the 3Ks with the pointy masks would put cherry bombs in everyone's mailboxes, hoping someone's Black kids would get some limbs blown to pieces... I had an unexpected trip to my first real farmer's market today...after getting no sleep...And after pushing through the pain from a bummed leg...fibromyalgia...and not sleeping in over 24 hours...going to several...like...SEVERAL tents...being social AF...determined to make it a great experience for myself...despite all of that...I go to the bus stop...and sit next to some guy who first seemed harmless...but very quickly proved to be...someone I ended up walking with a cart full of healthy but heavy 💩...to get away from...because after he made a pathetic ass joke about the orange alien...he then said, "I don't know why I voted for him...I think I was out of my mind then..." as if I was meant to absolve him of his fucked up sins...And not only that...but when I closed my eyes...took a breath...got up...and went to hurry so he could get left...he calls me back to say...that he would like to take me on a date...and buy me dinner and flowers and candy...to which I smiled or grimmaced maybe both...because how the fuck dare you traumatise me and reveal you have mental disabilities to appeal to the nurturer in me too...even though by then that bitch was down the street and gone...which is why all we could do is smile...giggle...and say thank you while simultaneously turning the cart around and down the road like Speed Racer on a mission that required him to be fast AF but oh so careful because breaking the eggs or any of our other bounty was out of the question after that...we did lose one apple...but considering we almost lost our mental 💩 when we forced ourselves to only respond to that proposal with what sounded like a laugh after 9 hours of torture ended...then started again...I think we did pretty damn good managing not to lose our 💩...at another yt apologist...expecting my forgiveness...for them not caring about my fucking life.

Everyone's priorities are always more important than me and my basic humanity...yet when I revoke the access they had to me it's a problem and I'm petty and bitter...naw...you just lookin for someone to fuck raw no lube with both fists no chaser...and expect me to smile during it...and I know I deserve better than the bondage you want me in...because why the fuck do yall insist I should consider it a privilege...when yall wanna rip my soul apart as a way to express your lust for the joy I bring to you and your damaged heart when I sing...cook...fuck you oh so good...

Bossy older Black women...and bossy older white men...scare me...with their...expectations...expectations...so many goddamn expectations...that I never asked for... Shoulda sat my ass down...I knew I couldn't live up to the image...of the me they had in their head...now you irritated, and I'm overstimulated...at the end of what was otherwise a very good day...because I shoulda known I was gonna have a panic attack in response to your...goddamn expectations...and the look in your eyes that reminds me of the family I no longer have...who had nothing but more...goddamn...expectations...none of which took into consideration....my expectations...for them...for me...and what I need...to be great...tonight wasn't the comeback I thought it would be...but that's what I get for having so many goddamn...expectations...

You can be alone...with her still alive...You just need to get used to living your life...unapologetically...and fully...especially in your own home...cause...if she is holding on...just for you...and she's waiting for you to let go...of your dependence on her...then this is just as bad as having the money to put her through hell just to keep her here on earth...with surgery after surgery...and test after test...meds after meds...with no more play...and very little rest...because she is a dog...and those are her main needs...so if she is getting to that point...you really need...to get used to living your most authentic life...in your own home...with her here to be annoyed because she wants you to be sleepy like her...after 10pm...but she also is happy to have you here with her...instead of out with your friends...or alone...because she doesn’t know how much longer she can hold on...before you finally let go...so close that door...and be alone...in your room...while she sleeps on the couch...dropping your night's clothing as tribute...telling her the story...of all your great adventures today...because that's storytime...in her language...and you are her momma...P.S....I'm pretty sure "I'm a hopeless romantic"...is just dude code for "Imma hoe"...but maybe I'm just projecting...tho...

How fucking dare you Let him give you a fucking job Unless that's what you wanted him to do So WTF you wasting time With this obnoxious ass for Because we workin double lines Because there's multiple reasons We need this shit for Yeah...But... Can we fuckin take it all And still fucking survive I don't actually know But I wanna find out I wanna try Well shit, Love Heeeeerrrrreeeee we go

Do I actually truly want What he is proposing to give me... Or do I just want to sing With the specific attention of a particular guy Knowing the only one I have to worry about defending myself against...is him Because he would kill someone if he had to In order to protect his investment In me That question is valid But you should also not dismiss That this is the first time you are meeting him So who does he think he is To be so bold as to even…

So I made my way to the closest place there could have possibly been karaoke...but got there and it was comedy night...but I had to pee, so I went to the bathroom...but the commode in the next stall overflowed and I barely avoided getting sewage and poo on my cloth shoes...which was a smelly reminder of why I don't like white soles...and that it isn't necessarily because it reminds me that white supremacists have no souls...and are so easily corrupted by some of the most disgusting humans...who were once easily corrupted by dirtier white supremacists whose souls have adapted longer to the sewage...and poo...but I'm a dirty Black whore...because I'm brown...even though most of them...wish they had my soft mahogany-mocha shiny skin...

Last weekend was spent resting and recharging, Monday officially marked the beginning of my Event-Is-Almost-Here-No-Really-We-Need-To-Get-Er-Done-Because-It's-Gonna-Be-Great-No-Matter-What-Because-We-Are-Gettin-Er-Done-And-We-Got-Goals-And-Dreams-And-It-Will-Be-What-It-Will-Be-And-It's-Gonna-Be-Great mode. And it's been a lot of going outside of my comfort zone (while still remaining inside of my boundaries...because the two are not always one and the same)...it has been rewarding and meaningful to me in this journey I'm on. Because comfort zones can be prisons if we let them. And I've never been one to settle for remaining inside the box. In the midst of learning and growing as a I am extremely proud...of who I am working to be...even if this event flops on its belly instead of getting a chance to spread its wings...the very first time it takes flight...because I know...I have done...am doing...will do the work...so that has a chance to spread its wings again...because just like we had to teach ourselves a lot...regarding this thing called healin...and growin...so must we afford the same privilege...the same courtesy...the same right...to everything thing that we birth...cause otherwise...how can we really say...we love it...if we don't give it love...in the form of space...mentorship...and safety...

This is what I mean...when I have to tell some of you that I aint your mother...I aint your bitch...and I aint your fuckin therapist -- BUT YOU NEED ONE...it just aint me...cause I don't work for free...and dealing with some of yall feels too much like slavery...for real for real. So if I walk away...know you earned that 💩 I'm not believing you and your lies today...cause it was never about what I did...you were always going to move how you moved... regardless...cause you thought you knew me...And now that is hurting you...but it's my fault somehow that you chose to come at me the way you did...I guess I shoulda been prepared to handle that 💩...and not be so sensitive...even though the truth is just that you're just a PO💩...and I never deserved what you did...cause I never woulda done that to you.

Today was good...challenging in a way...but expected...so I am glad I prepared myself for the expected disappointment...and took it upon myself to use the overflow of energy from the emotions that wanted to throw axes at said red flag of the week...to have a TrainingDay with Roqie...and practice more with the stick...twisting and tossing and catching...and dropping...and picking back up while laughing...and twirling again... It feels so good to be protected...with my dog and my stick...and know I don't have to put out for said protection...because anyone who wants to take it against my will is either gonna die...or he just gonna have to take it from me when I'm dead...

The app requires me to be a business to take payments from it, so I changed the tax back to FREE. No time for semantics right now...I just want this event to be great...and this vision to have life...Because yes...I need a side hustle...doing something that I actually LOVE...because my life is...and has always been SO much...about shit I never wanted...even if I thought for a while...or was taught to believe for a while...that I actually really did...want it...I didn't...and I aint just talkin about rape...because I've learned the stain that leaves looks the same...feels the same...is the same...and sometimes deeper...meaner...darker...or lighter..

Hey Friends!👋🏾 See below for important information about our first jam happening in less than 2 weeks! Join us for the first Music Heals, So Let's Jam! Community Connect Collab, on Saturday, September 27th. We will begin at 8PM with a Musician Pre-Jam meet & greet, and flow into the rest of the evening beginning at 9pm. This first jam is being hosted by Siver Strings, located at 8630 Colesville Road, on the same block as The Fillmore in downtown SIlver Spring. You can…