Lincoln and FDR ended similarly: both won great wars for the survival of democracy, but didn't live to see the peace. Both men were at the start of new terms, and we would have been a lot better off if they'd both lived another three years. FDR might have passed free universal healthcare by 1948.

I am simply scandalized by the state of that man's trousers!

He should know better than to wrestle in them.

A bear and a rabbit were both taking a dump in the woods. The bear said, "Hey, rabbit. Do you have any problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit answered, "No. I never have a problem with that."

The bear said, "Good!" And then the bear grabbed the rabbit and used him to wipe his ass.

A psychopomp is basically a tour guide, with a side of therapist and maybe a bit of bodyguard thrown in. Depends on how rough the neighborhood is.

Just admit it, guys. There are women out there that can kick most of your asses, and that's okay.

When you're circling the drain, you're gonna take a special interest in spirals.

Kids are just that way. Show me a parent of toddlers who doesn't look like they need a transfusion.

He's been drinking the Tu-22 fuel again.

She goes to the hairdresser, they ask what she wants, she shows them the original Jaws poster.

Cherry tomatoes thrive on neglect. I've seen them growing next to sidewalks were someone had just dropped a tomato and the seeds sprouted, not being watered or supported in any way, producing good tomatoes until they froze.

Any prestigious profession will have elites who want to lock out competition from women/minorities/critics/etc.

In the news: freshly dead colossal prick James Watson, who shared a Nobel for discovering the structure of DNA, never gave Rosalind Franklin the credit she deserved.

Stand up straight and put on some pants. You can lurk when you pay the bills.

That fellow in the exact center at the beginning of the video, he's the one who will soon faint.