SWAMP WITCH!

They are genuinely impressive, but I don't think they get the title as long as Mavis is still performing.

Several years ago we had a school board candidate named Lolita, whose yard-sign slogan was "teacher approved", and to this day I'm pissed I didn't get a picture of it.

A lazy Sunday in bed, the TV is playing Wynton Marsalis on Jazz at Lincoln Center. The wife and I have a moment. The moment turns into an afternoon. It's all building to something. And then-
...the crowd roars. A standing ovation.

"Thank you. Thank you. Drive safe. Goodnight."

Best day ever.

As much of a bummer as it was when Sandy Hook proved that guns were more important than dead kids, I'm thinking it will be even worse if the lesson of the Epstein files turns out to be that old rich white guys are more important than kids getting raped.

I wonder how much of that thirty billion was AI monopoly money, and how much was real people and systems?

If, like me, you wondered "who the fuck is THIS guy, and what is his deal?", I'm not a shrink but I'm going to guess that his parents' divorce damaged him in such a way that he is angry about it, and also toward himself, to this very day.

...what if Pete Hegseth is actually a really disfigured horse?

The world owes Soupy Sales an apology.

Yeah, that would do it. Or John Prine, Tom Hanks, Bonnie Raitt, Bruce Cockburn, Dolly Parton...

valiantly protecting the fruit from the birds, my blackberry patch desperately cries out for such a hero

But what if the real DO NOT REPEAT THIS INSIGHT was the DON'T FIGHT UPHILL, ME BOYS we made along the way?

Our chief tried to impress on us that the human body can't absorb more than 1600mg at a time, so don't bother taking more than two of the big orange M&Ms or you'll just piss 'em out.

They knew what they were gettin' into.

Hexapodia?

But no! It is I, Professional Not-Joke-Getter Man! Doing a bit that you're frankly quite surprised made it out of the writers' room even during a particularly unfunny season of Saturday Night Live, maybe one including cocaine, or possibly Adam Sandler! I don't get jokes! That's the joke, see?

WE'LL SHOW YOU HOW YOUR COVERAGE WORKS
(sound of Neal Peart's drum kit going down several flights of concrete stairs)
(death metal guitars)

Is that like how "right to work" came to mean "can be fired at any time for no reason"?

We have always been at war with secretary.