like. INSTANT dread

i see people going out with their loved ones, i see people going to concerts, or even people just going for walks in their neighborhood or something and i am happy for them but there is also a giant feeling within me screaming about how its not fair

but then the other day my knee was bent way too far (hypermobility) and i thought i must have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. i do have hybermobility but i looked at symptoms of EDS and afaik widespread skeletal pain isnt part of it. what the fuck is going on with me. will i ever know

every. single. fucking. bone. in. my. body. what disease is this? what group of diseases is this? my pediatric rheum said i only had arthritis in my back and knees, but i hurt everywhere. my interim rheum while i was moving said that i described fibromyalgia when i told her about my symptoms

my ankles, even those small bones connecting my knuckles to my wrists, even my fucking toes. it all hurts. the pain level varies, usually its my joints that hurt the most (right now its my wrists and shoulders), but the point of it all is that i am never not in pain

my clavicles hurt. my shoulders hurt. my trapezius muscles are constantly tense. even the bones inbetween my joints, like femurs or tibia or fibia or w/e, they hurt too. i can feel the smaller bits of bone in my knees. i can feel the smaller bits in my elbows. because they Hurt.

the top of my skull hurts during migraines. the base of my skull hurts in tandem with my cervical vertebrae. my jaw and teeth hurt basically at random, but especially after i brush my teeth, they're usually sore for the entire day afterwards.