wish i could just die already

yeah. its fine. wont kill me. life is just funny like that

begging my brain to be normal. chill out bro. youre literally fine. things are fine

normal.

how i feel when i matched with someone on bumble and the conversation was nice but then they unmatch

waiting for the final implosion.

wet tearing— grasping, grabbing, claiming— eaten, devoured, yet still living. how can i feel so empty while ghosts of my bones play in the gristle and fat? how much can be taken before the rot sets in? desperate to know.

its ok tho. started seroquel last night 🕺

doesn’t mean it’s completely off the stove! just moved to the backburner for now. taking care of mental health first— otherwise it doesn’t matter what i wanna start (cause my dumbass brain likes to rip the rug from underneath me)

i want to continue tracking calories etc and dropping weight but right now i am so stressed out it makes it hard to work or bathe. much less actively track every meal. and i get a bit discouraged knowing it really isn’t that accurate without cooking all the time/properly weighing portion sizes

sadness and hopelessness quickly spiral into rage and that’s not great for anything except pushing for change. very wonderful kind caring support system in place helping me figure shit out and being so patient while i dig through my noggin. exhales