it always feels like it's my fault at the end of the day for not knowing or having the thing everyone else does, n that it's my fault bc i should've let the weird assholes i keep finding keep being weird assholes instead of having boundaries in the first place

i'm already so impatient n nervous i neeed to skip to the part where we're anxious as fuck over stabbing a needle in

the biggest issue is our voice n i'm still a little scared of being a long while on hrt n STILL sounding annoying asf to ourselves anyways. idk maybe this is just usual pre-t "what if i still don't like it" fears

disc servers are so cliquey that they will Ignore you if you aren't in their Acquaintance Circle & accepting random dms from people has only led to friends who disregard boundaries or become so overly attached they spiral & kill themselves if we don't confess our love to them day 1 wtf do we do

there is an extra packet of chili but i do not know where else to use it. i must find beef and take it into my own hands

we still have our issues w/ fearing perception & objectification now, but it happens way less often than it could've when it's being w/ someone who just. allows us space to be & won't shove us into a box for convenience or self-interest. no making up doll versions of ourselves in their head.

i still think abt the time i told our partner abt the times we would be forcefemmed and secretly seen as a Girl just donning on fun little labels, or shoved into a binary box by him+friends. & their response was "if it's anything, i don't see you as a man either"+

ive been wondering why it was so silent for so long but forcing themselves to speak where they aren't comfortable & being expected to know people back or seen as an extension of someone else isn't something we want. i think its genuinely stunting our growth as a system

-i still keep hesitating and staring at the "order" button bc i'm not used to spending a huge chunk of money n i'm way more scared of the risks of delivery theft / mishaps

w that being said, our kris has told us all the reasons we should replace our laptop as soon as possible w how much it's degraded n how much frustration it's given us & how getting the new pc will keep us able to not go insane w/ frustration & navigate the internet better. and yet-